19072017

Saya mau cerita sedikit tentang apa yang terjadi pada saya beberapa minggu belakangan ini. Do bear in mind that this post will be rather somber, so if you don't want to end your day with a bad mood, you might as well get out of this page. 

Saya sadar betul sejak lama kalau saya memang cenderung mengalami depresi. Karena dari sekian tahun yang lalu memang sudah punya kecenderungan itu. Tapi saya nggak nyangka makin ke sini malah makin parah. Apalagi di masa-masa genting kayak gini; di saat saya justru harus kuat mental dan fisik menghadapi masa-masa tahun terakhir di perkuliahan dan dunia pekerjaan setelahnya. 

Sudah pada nonton 13 Reasons Why? Saya sih sudah. Lalu saya lihat reaksi-reaksi yang beredar di internet. Banyak yang bilang Hannah Baker itu bodoh. Banyak yang menyalahkan si Hannah. Tapi, meskipun hidup saya nggak setragis dia dan thank God saya masih punya teman-teman dan saudara yang luar biasa suportif, saya tahu persis apa yang dia alami. Karena, meskipun sekali lagi hidup saya tidak setragis Hannah, saya pun pernah jadi korban bullying. Di rumah pun sama aja, bukannya membaik malah memperparah keadaan. Kemudian, tahun-tahun berlalu. And here I am at my last year in college. 

Meskipun sentimen dengan kampus saya saat ini, puji syukur saya ketemu teman-teman yang suportif dan juga dosen-dosen yang pengertian. Sampai sejauh ini pun kuliah adalah masa-masa yang paling indah buat saya (kecuali tahun terakhir. Fuck that shit). Kalau boleh memutar waktu, rasanya pengen kembali ke tahun awal perkuliahan dan kembali menjadi remaja ngehe yang belum menanggung beban kehidupan. Karena pada saat itu saya masih dikelilingi oleh teman-teman saya dan trauma masa lalu yang tertimbun lama dalam benak belum muncul kembali ke permukaan. 

Belakangan, mau nggak mau saya harus berhadapan kembali sama memori traumatis yang menjadi mimpi buruk saya semasa kecil. Itu, ditambah berbagai masalah lainnya seperti kendala-kendala pelaksanaan tugas akhir yang bikin saya harus jambak rambut berkali-kali, kehidupan dalam rumah, masalah fisik, dan lain sebagainya. Rasanya bagaikan ada banyak peluru yang mengelilingi kepala saya saat ini. Terus gimana? Ya, saya mental breakdown. Se down-downnya. Dan yang memperparah keadaan, saya tengah hidup sendirian di kota. Mau tak mau harus bisa mengandalkan diri sendiri. Tapi diri sendiri aja lagi lemah lunglai begini, piye??

Ah nggak enak banget lah rasanya. I wouldn't wish this to anybody. Saya tidur dan bangun dengan rasa cemas yang makin hari makin memuncak. Otomatis kebangun-bangun dengan berbagai pemikirian dan kekhawatiran. Lalu saya paksain diri datang ke kantor tempat saya menjalani penelitian tugas akhir. Karena nggak bisa kerja maksimal, hasilnya jelek. Hasil jelek, boss kecewa. Boss kecewa, tugas akhir saya terhambat dan keluarga pun turut kecewa. Ini sekali lagi, ditambah dengan masalah-masalah lain seperti trauma masa lalu, masalah dalam rumah, dan juga masalah fisik. Rasanya kayak lagi buka lemari dan semua isinya langsung jatuh berhamburan menimpa saya. Saya mau ngomong ke orang lain juga, mereka sudah punya kesibukan masing-masing. Saya bukan tipe yang suka ngerepotin orang lain. 

Lama-lama, saya jadi mati rasa. Nggak ada hasrat buat menjalani kehidupan. Bangun dari tempat tidur dan keluar kamar kos aja susah setengah mati. Terus saya jadi benci diri sendiri. Makin lama makin parah. Dan karena kebencian itu, saya mulai melukai diri sendiri. Dari yang nggak mau makan meskipun kelaparan, sekarang jadi main iris-irisan. Anehnya, melukai diri sendiri membuat saya merasa membaik. Lama-kelamaan jadi ketagihan. Seakan ada rasa ketenangan setiap kali darah mengucur keluar. Sekarang tangan kanan saya penuh bekas luka. 

Biarkan saya membuat suatu pengakuan di sini. Kalau kalian melihat InstaStory saya belakangan, tissue berlumuran darah itu memang bekas sayatan. Bukan karena mimisan, bukan karena jatuh. 

Saya sih, nggak mau hidup saya berakhir kayak Hannah Baker. Tapi saya ingin orang lain mengerti, bahwa bagi kami yang depresi berat, we have no choice but to take it all out on ourselves. Sehingga berujung menjadi self-harm. Saya melakukan ini bukan karena haus perhatian, tapi karena memang saya sudah berada di ujung tanduk dan nggak punya pelampiasan lain. And guess what? It works, at least for me. Bukan berarti saya menyetujui tindakan self-harm ya. If you have this tendency, please seek help as soon as possible. Selagi ada orang yang bisa kamu ajak bicara. Saya memang nggak punya pilihan lain selain berdiri dengan kaki sendiri untuk saat ini, ya mudah-mudahan aja kuat sampai akhir. Mungkinkah ini yang dinamakan quarter life crisis? Akankah ini berakhir? Who knows. Kita lihat saja apa yang akan terjadi di masa mendatang. 

Story Of My Life

Sudah saatnya saya mengaku pada diri sendiri bahwa saya juga makhluk emosional yang bisa tersakiti dan bisa menjadi rapuh. Selama ini saya terus berbohong pada diri sendiri, bahwa kondisi yang saya alami bersifat sementara dan saya akan membaik dengan sendirinya. Ternyata yang saya pikirkan selama ini hanyalah kebohongan belaka dan masalahnya justru semakin menjadi. Di sini saya tidak bermaksud mengindahkan dan me-romantis-kan masalah psikis, tapi sudah saatnya kita menghilangkan stigma "kontroversial" yang melekat dengan begitu erat pada topik-topik terkait gangguan mental. 

Bila dilihat dari segi finansial, saya bukan orang yang berada tapi serba berkecukupan. Saya tidak pernah mengalami bagaimana rasanya tidur dalam kondisi kelaparan atau tanpa ranjang, jadi kurang adil rasanya bila saya menuduh kondisi finansial sebagai faktor dari masalah psikis yang saya alami. Tapi, masa kecil saya dilewati tanpa dukungan emosional. Selama bertahun-tahun lamanya saya disakiti tanpa tahu harus berlindung pada siapa. Saya disiksa oleh orang berengsek tidak tahu terima kasih yang tengah menumpang di rumah, di sekolah saya dibully habis2an dan tidak memiliki teman. Saya pernah diancam diusir. Saya pernah nyaris kabur dari rumah. Terdengar klasik memang, tapi dampaknya bertahan selama bertahun-tahun sekalipun hidup terasa jauh membaik dari sebelumnya. Pengalaman kelam itu membuat saya harus mengalami berbagai episode dimana saya benar-benar terjatuh dan frustrasi dan lelah akan semuanya. 

Saya rasa cukup manusiawi untuk tidak memaafkan orang yang telah mengubah hidup saya menjadi mimpi buruk selama 10 tahun lamanya. Maaf, saya bukan Yesus yang Maha Pengampun. Dalam kehidupan ini, saya bukan protagonis yang suci bak peri seperti yang digambarkan berbagai kisah fiksi. Jika saya tersakiti, saya tidak akan segan untuk menyerang balik. Saya menyesal tidak memegang prinsip ini pada masa-masa itu karena memang saya masih terlalu kecil untuk memahami apa yang sebenarnya terjadi. Percuma juga diceramahi dengan berbagai kutipan ayat suci, saya sudah nggak percaya dengan yang begituan. Pencarian spiritual seperti itu justru membuat saya semakin terpuruk dan depresi.

Saya masih menyimpan dendam dan luka yang mendalam yang berujung pada kerusakan sirkuit otak saya. Ah, ternyata waktu tidak bisa menyembuhkan luka batin. Alih-alih merasa membaik, saya malah merasa semakin terluka dan marah atas apa yang terjadi. Saya melampiaskan rasa sakit itu dengan menyakiti dan membenci diri sendiri dengan sangat mendalam. Saya pernah membiarkan diri saya kelaparan hingga rasanya seperti ada yang merobek perut saya. Saya pernah mencoba mengonsumsi obat secara berlebihan. Jauh lebih baik rasanya menanggung rasa sakit fisik ketimbang psikis. Pernah juga saya melampiaskan amarah dan emosi saya yang terpendam dengan membanting dan merusak barang-barang dalam jangkauan. Saya menjauh dari kawan-kawan yang peduli dengan setulusnya dan mungkin telah menyakiti perasaan mereka juga secara tidak sengaja. Bagi mereka yang tidak tahu bagaimana rasanya terjatuh dan tejebak dalam lingkaran setan ini, mungkin hal ini terdengar konyol dan berlebihan. Tapi percayalah, dalam kondisi seperti ini, sungguh sulit rasanya untuk berpikir secara rasional. 

Silahkan anggap postingan ini sebagai bentuk untuk "mencari perhatian". Ya mungkin memang itu yang saya lakukan. Seharusnya kita ingat bahwa ada banyak nyawa yang tidak terselamatkan karena dianggap "attention-seeking". Sepertinya dalam era persaingan global yang semakin sengit, kita semakin melupakan jati diri kita yang sebenarnya, bahwa kita adalah makhluk emosional dan sosial yang sepatutnya bisa saling membantu dan membangkitkan. 

SELF REVELATION

When I heard there's a tarot reading service near my place, I thought I should give it a try. I know some of you don't believe in such thing and I respect that, but my intuition kept telling me to go for it. And if there's one thing I learn for the past 21 years, it is to always trust my intuition and listen to it. 

But here's a thing, tarot reading won't give you sugar-coated information or make decisions for you. The future it predicts is based on the present, so it all depends on what you're going through and your attitude towards it. Nothing else but yourself can determine the future (which is also a reason why I never want to predict one's future). So tarot is basically a mirror for your soul, in form of cards. 

Before getting this service I'm always confident that I know myself well enough to the point that I'm being arrogant about it. I always thought people don't, and won't understand me. I think this is where my intuition kicks in, because turns out there's much more inside of myself I have yet to discover. 

Most of my questions revolve around relationships. I don't feel like I need to specify my questions here, but here's what I learn from my tarot reading session, and it's so accurate it hurts: 

Coming from a conservative family, I always have insecurities within myself. I set a limit over everything, including friendships. No matter how close I am to a person, I always have hard time revealing my problems, insecurities, and conflicts because I think they don't need to know or doing so would change the way they see me. There are many factors contributing to this habit, but one that affects me the most is the past bullying and many betrayals from people I used to consider my friends, specifically from primary through high school. I was a constant object of bullying for being so obese and as much as I hate to admit it, it affects me to this very day. Yes, the bullies asked for forgiveness, but it affects my emotional state and the way I see people. I didn't realize this until I sit on the tarot counter. The emotional scars give me the tendency to build walls around myself so that people can't harm me, and the fact that I'm back at my old fat self again thanks to medication makes it worse. But instead of protecting me, it destroys me even more. 

I'm naturally a social person. I get along with people easily and I'm a good listener. But as much as I like to learn what interests them, I tend not to talk about myself too much, out of fear that they would see me as a freak and not accept me in their social groups anymore. As the result, it takes me longer time to get close with someone. 

I also have this constant fear that the friendships I have today will soon be abandoned because this is pretty much the case with most of my school friends. As we grow up, we grow apart. This happens too many times, I'm starting to lose a bit of faith in maintaining long-lasting friendships. As the result I tend to pull myself out of social interactions and isolate myself, which affects my mental health greatly. 

So the main problem here are my lack of trust towards people and my personal insecurities. For being an object of bullying in the past I always try so hard, subconsciously, to not look like a freak and to keep some distance from people I know. Being overprotective to oneself, however, can be destructive. And I'm already seeing that now. 

I still want to engage in long-lasting friendships and to commit in everlasting relationship with a person I truly love. I still want to believe that friendships, and any forms of relationships, can last til' death. But I cannot do that unless if I start to learn to love myself unconditionally and not to let people's bullshit affect me to emotional and mental extent. 

I still don't know where to begin, but I think writing this publicly is a good start. No human being is perfect. It is okay to be fragile from time to time. 

The tarot reading costs me a fee, but for leading me to a new beginning, I think it's worth the fee. 

THE ART OF INTIMACY

Karena isu yang saya bahas di sini sangat berkaitan erat dengan budaya Indonesia, kali ini saya memutuskan untuk menulis dalam bahasa ibu saja (walaupun agak risih, karena nggak terbiasa hehe). 

Dari kecil zaman playgroup TK dulu image "the artistic one" udah nempel banget sama saya. Ada kertas kosong di depan mata, langsung dicoret-coret. Papan hasil karya murid 70% keisi sama hasil coretan saya. Awalnya gambarnya polos-polos lucu ala anak-anak, yang matanya cuma titik dan jarinya nggak karuan kayak snack "cheetos", lama-lama mulai berevolusi jadi gambar tipikal anak SD yang cartoonish banget. Pas SMA, mulai deh nyobain gambar realistik, meskipun nggak berhasil dan hasilnya tetep cartoonish, hehe. Tapi mulai keliatan kayak manusia pada umumnya sih.

Ketika kuliah, saya mulai berani 'taking it to the next level'. Saya memutuskan untuk menjadi orang yang frontal karena pada dasarnya saya emang nggak suka main 'kode-kodean', dan hal ini juga saya aplikasikan pada karya-karya saya. Saya mulai mencoba menggambar area intim wanita. Saya ingat betul gambar 'vulgar' itu saya buat di kelas, waktu jam istirahat. Karena terbiasa hidup di lingkungan yang cukup konservatif, saya udah siap mental sama kritikan-kritikan pedas. Eh tapi teman-teman saya malah nyeletuk dengan santai "Ih kok lucu sih. Hehe." Saya senyumin aja, emang gemes sih. Who doesn't like boobs?? 

Lama-lama, menggambar wanita telanjang mulai jadi kebiasaan. Dan reaksi teman-teman saya pun tetap sama; diketawain, diskusi tentang ukuran payudara (menjelaskan ukuran BH ke cowok), dikasih saran supaya ceweknya keliatan lebih cantik. Hingga suatu saat, salah seorang teman saya mulai bertanya dengan nada yang serius "why do you like drawing boobs? is there any particular reason behind this?"

Dan ini bukan pertanyaan yang pertama dan yang terakhir. Udah beberapa kali saya dapet pertanyaan yang sama dari orang yang berbeda-beda. Waktu itu saya masih males ngasih penjelasan, takut dikritik, dicekokin ayat-ayat religi, dan sebagainya. Jadi jawaban saya selalu "Lucu aja, bulet gitu." Sesimpel itu, supaya mereka cuma bisa ketawa dan nggak nanya-nanya lebih banyak lagi.

Tapi lama kelamaan, saya mulai capek main petak umpet sama budaya Indonesia yang konservatif. Saya capek merasa takut sama kritikan, apalagi yang bawa-bawa agama segala. Kalo saya sembunyi terus, kapan negara ini bisa berubah? Kapan negara ini bisa dengerin suara anak muda macem saya? Siapa tahu, gagasan saya memang bisa membawa perubahan. Nggak usah dalam skala besar, dalam lingkungan sekitar aja udah cukup bagus. 

Sebenarnya, tiap oretan bernada satir yang saya paparkan di jejaring sosial punya makna tersendiri. Kadang saya tulis di kolom deskripsi, kadang saya biarkan kosong biar yang lihat bisa menerka sendiri. Dalam kasus 'menggambar daerah intim wanita', maksud saya sebenarnya cukup simpel: untuk menyenikan keindahan tubuh manusia. The human body itself is a piece of art dan saya selalu memegang prinsip itu ketika berkarya. Payudara itu indah, dan pemiliknya punya hak untuk menikmati bagian pada dirinya yang sudah dianugerahi oleh alam semesta. 

Dalam lingkungan yang konservatif seperti negara kita, diskrimnasi terhadap kaum wanita sudah menjadi suatu kebiasaan. Memang, wanita Indonesia memiliki hak untuk meraih gelar pendidikan, bekerja, menunjang karir, berkarya, menyuarakan opininya. Saya akui kita sangat beruntung memiliki hak-hak ini karena di belahan dunia sana, wanita bahkan tidak boleh bersekolah. Tapi apakah kita sudah setara dengan kaum pria dari segi budaya? Semua perempuan yang tinggal di sini pasti setuju bahwa dirinya tidak lagi asing dengan pemikiran bahwa seks sebelum nikah adalah hal yang tabu, keperawanan harus dijaga hingga pernikahan, wanita harus menikah dan memiliki anak, perempuan nggak perlu belajar susah-payah karena toh ujung-ujungnya kerja di dapur, aurat harus ditutupi biar nggak mengundang mata-mata nakal, dan lain sebagainya. Karena sudah dididik dari kecil untuk menjadi makhluk yang anggun dan 'submissive' terutama terhadap kaum pria, prinsip ini sudah mengakar dalam diri kami. 

Ada suatu kejadian ketika saya masih bersekolah, beberapa sih sebenarnya. Yang pertama, ada kabar bahwa salah seorang adik kelas saya kepergok berhubungan intim dengan karyawan pria. Teman-teman di kelasnya mulai mengasingkan dia, dan gosip ini pun tersebar di komunitas ibu-ibu. Dulu, saya tinggal di kota yang sangat kecil sehingga semua orang bisa saling kenal. Bayangkan apa yang dialami anak itu, padahal kabar itu belum tentu benar. Parahnya, dulu saya ikutan percaya begitu saja dan menganggap bahwa anak itu sudah menghancurkan masa depannya, karena saya telah dididik bahwa seks sebelum menikah adalah hal yang tabu dan tidak patut dilakukan bagi kaum wanita. Bagaimana dengan si pria? Masih bekerja dengan tenang, karena concern masyarakat dalam berita ini dibebankan ke si perempuan, bukan si pria. 

Yang kedua, salah seorang teman main saya mengaku bahwa dia mencoba 'masturbasi' dan dia menikmatinya, namun setelah itu dia merasa bersalah dan takut berdosa. Dia takut keperawanannya hilang karena telah melakukan masturbasi, dan terlebih lagi, dia takut karena dia menikmatinya. Sementara, di kelas saya, adalah hal yang biasa bagi laki-laki untuk berkumpul dan membahas 'film biru' yang mereka tonton, dan yang cewek-cewek ikut mendengarkan sambil ketawa-ketawa santai karena hal ini sudah sangat wajar bagi kami. Di sela kelas biologi, teman laki saya bahkan menjelaskan dengan terang-terangan bahwa laki-laki perlu mengeluarkan 'itu' setidaknya sekali seminggu, dan kami yang perempuan menanggapinya dengan manggut-manggut penuh pengertian. 

Dari kedua kasus itu, jelas bahwa ada ketidakadilan dari kedua belah pihak semata-mata karena budaya kami telah mengajarkan bahwa wanita tidak seharusnya menikmati seksualitasnya dengan cara yang subtle, sementara seks dianggap sebagai 'prestasi', 'keperjakaan', 'sesuatu yang gagah' bagi kaum pria. Pernahkah kamu marah ketika mendengar istilah diperkosa diganti menjadi 'digagahi'? Saya sangat marah, karena tidak ada yang gagah dalam pemerkosaan. Selain itu, istilah ini seolah-olah membenarkan tindakan pemerkosaan. Kesannya kayak 'si pemerkosanya kuat dan jantan sekali', 'si korban seharusnya bersyukur karena dengan 'digagahi' (i cringe so hard writing this) berarti tubuhnya seksi' etc, etc, etc. 

Admit it. Budaya ini ditanamkan karena dari dulu wanita dipandang sebagai 'sex object', properti masyarakat, boneka suami. Cara berpakaian diatur, cara duduk diatur, cara berbahasa diatur, cara bersikap diatur. Lalu, kapan kami bisa menikmati diri kami sendiri? Kapan kami bisa mengapresiasi diri kami sendiri, mengekspresikan diri kami sendiri, dan yang paling penting, menjadi diri sendiri? Kapankah label 'sex object' ini bisa lepas dari kami, dan kami bisa menjadi pribadi yang terdidik dan kuat? Kapankah orang melihat gelar maupun prestasi kami ketimbang 'udah ditidurin sama berapa laki', 'masih perawan apa belum', 'kapan nikah', 'kapan punya anak'?

Jangankan hal-hal yang berbau seksual deh. Saya udah beberapa kali dikritik karena suka musik metal dan rock. Saya fans berat Dream Theater, Led Zeppelin, dan Jimi Hendrix. Terus katanya, lagu-lagu mereka nggak 'girly', jadi nggak cocok sama saya yang kebetulan terlahir sebagai wanita. Oke, agak out of topic, tapi masih agak nyambung kan? Kamu nangkep kan maksud saya di sini? 

Seks tidak pernah setara dengan prestasi. Wanita yang sexually active masih bisa meraih gelar Ph.D, menjadi aktivis, menjadi penulis, menjadi olahragawan, menjadi politikus, apapun yang dia impikan. Kehidupan seksualnya adalah urusan dia pribadi, bukan urusan masyarakat. Memangnya situ siapa, ngatur-ngatur hidup orang? Hhh, tipikal budaya Indo (terus kesel sendiri). 

Gambar wanita telanjang menyuarakan hak wanita untuk menikmati seksualitasnya sembari dia membawa perubahan positif pada masyarakat maupun pada lingkungannya sendiri, baik itu dari jenjang pendidikannya, kemampuannya menciptakan karya seni, maupun kemampuannya menjadi pemimpin. Judul dari 'quick sketch' saya di atas adalah 'Admiring Oneself', atau menikmati diri sendiri. Adalah seorang wanita yang memotret dirinya yang telanjang dada sambil tersenyum karena dirinya indah, dirinya merupakan mahakarya dari semesta. 

COPING WITH ADULTHOOD

I just turned 21 last month, which is the legal age in my country because people of that age are able to be fully responsible and independent. It is said every 21-year olds will face a brand new mental state because it's a major turning point in life, and now I know how it feels like. 3 years ago I sorted a list of universities I could afford to go to, made some friends in matriculation class, and eventually enjoyed some solidarity with my classmates. It all started 3 years ago, but it only feels like it was just yesterday.

Just when I'm able to take a deep breath after all the stress and makeovers for the sake of adapting with the university lifestyle, I'm being rushed into adulthood. Indeed, at this age I can drink whenever I want without being chased by the police and for that very reason it's not strange to hear people congratulating you for being "legal", but that's just a small privilege you get for having so many responsibilities and burdens. I'm one year ahead from graduating, moving out and applying for jobs (or hopefully, master's degree), and I only have less than a year left to learn about these responsibilities and think about my future endeavor.

At this point, I realize that I'm no longer a kid and I must learn how to take full responsibility over my decisions, my actions, and my words. As a child, your parents or any other adult figures in your life will take the responsibility for you, but when you're already in your 20-something, you'll be on your own. And to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. It's a whole new level of "getting out of your comfort zone", and it all feels too rushed to me. I have to do another major makeover because I'm no longer a freshman and I'm only a few steps away from getting my degree. I have to get used with being on my own and do things on my own since I'm used with having companies or having someone who have your back.

Another thing I've been stressing over after my birthday is the realisation that I'll be graduating soon and I'd probably be so very far from my friends and family. I took the moments we spend together for granted before I knew I'll be moving away or probably get a tight schedule at work that I won't be seeing them as often as I can now. It hits me quite hard because there is a possibility that we will grow apart and move on with each other's life, and I just moved on from the "growing apart" issue with my old friends. Even now, my boarding house is already empty because the kids had moved out for some reasons. It used to be a packed and cheerful place because we like to hang out in each other's room and spend some time together, but now I'm the only one left who still lives here, along with some new kids who hardly socialize with each other. Some kids had moved out before I could say farewell to them, and that makes me feel sad.

As for my family part, it hits me that I only have a year or so to see my grandma whenever I like. I remember spending my birthday with my grandma at a pricey restaurant (I felt sorry for my grandma because she paid for the whole thing and she's best known to be a frugal person); after apologizing for picking that restaurant she said "Think nothing of it. This might be the last time we could celebrate your birthday together, before you move out." It hits me so hard and I can never forget this.

These thoughts have been revolving in my mind, and God how I wish I could rewind the time and enjoy every second and every moment I had in University. I wish I could tell my friends and family how grateful I am to have them around and how wonderful it is to know them. I wish I could live my pre-adult life to the fullest and rejoice the good and bad moments I have for the past 3 years, because I can never have these 3 years back. All I have left is some new blank pages to write. 

THE ENEMY WITHIN

Since last year, things seem to crumble apart and quite frankly, I'm starting to lose it. Unfortunate things keep coming one by one. Just when I thought it's over, another one comes in and kick me hard in the teeth. One would say "just look at the bright side!" or "some people have it worse than you". Have you ever consider how you would feel if someone said this to your face during hard times? Imagine losing everything you have or someone dear to you, a friend shows up and said "some people have it worse than you." I know they might try to show some sympathy and cheer me up but this is not helping at all. As a matter of fact, it only makes things worse. 

Sometimes you want something so bad and you work your ass to get it, but reality punches you. Hard. Last year had been especially hard for me personally. I lost my loved ones, I was betrayed, I went through several events that brought my old bad memories back, I fell ill and since then I will always be ill. But I made it through alive and I hoped that 2016 will be nice at me. So before 2016, I made a promise to myself that I will stay strong and at the very least, get fit again, and just before I turn 21 I will look fit and healthy because I'm freaking tired of looking like a dying person. But alas, reality kicks in and now I look like a whale with goggly eyes and that's way too far from looking fit and slim. So once again my dreams are being crushed into pieces. Yes, such is life. But we all have limits, am I right? 

I can't help but ask to God (if he ever exists) what have I done to deserve all this? Yes I have hurt people in the past and drink alcohol before I reach the legal age (does that even count as a "sin"? I hardly get drunk) but I never steal nor commit a murder. Now I'm reaching a point where I hate myself so much I think I deserve all the hate in this world and suffer. I can feel my usual enthusiastic and optimistic spirit fading away and all I can hear now is my own voice calling myself names every minute. Heck, my birthday is coming up soon and I don't even feel like I deserve it. In my current circumstances nothing could lift my spirit, but time MIGHT heal. 

This experience helps me understand what the classic "the worst enemy is yourself" saying truly means. It's true. People may hurt you but if you still have your spirit then there's no stopping you. The Buddha confirms this by saying "when there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you". But if your spirit crumbles apart then you're completely screwed. And when this happens, nothing else can help you, not even the excessive support from your loved ones. You can only help yourself by building your inner strength back. And it's not easy. 

ESCAPING THE GATE OF HELL

No, this isn't a witness written by someone who stands for God. I know you've seen plenty of those books in the library or bookstores. I don't believe in such thing anymore even though I used to. I no longer see hell as a place where souls of humans are being punished and tortured for eternity. I see it as a state of mind, a state where you can't make peace with yourself even after death. 

By holding to this definition, I've walked through hell several times. I remember when my teacher revealed what I was like 90 years ago, as a soldier participating for world war 2. I saw people dying before me and I was too helpless to help. And it was the kind of death you can't imagine; it was torturing kind of slow death and it happens to a lot of people around you. Living in a short time only to see people dying and dying with them right after was never the kind of life anyone would dream for. I don't need to see Satan standing between a high gate of fire before me to witness hell. That was already hell to me, and it didn't happen in any other realm, it exactly took place on where we are standing now; earth. 

Even as a young kid I already entered the gate of hell. Once again I had to be a witness to a group of reckless human beings torturing other human beings, but I was too young to understand, let alone do something to help the weak, because I too was weak and short-minded. Sometimes when the memories come back, I still feel rage and grudge growing inside me. The desire to take revenge whispers in my mind to hypnotise me, but I'd become one of them if I take my revenge, and I never wanted to do such a thing to any other beings. I don't want to live as another parasite. 

To me, hell doesn't last for eternity. There's an escape, and the only way to escape is to free yourself from rage and sorrow. The path to Heaven isn't so hard to find because it lies within you, but it's not easy to walk through it. The only way to Heaven is to make peace with yourself, to accept that things happen and you can't change it, but you can look forward and move on. 

CERITA SORE

Sejak menginjak usia yang sudah dianggap dewasa, saya sering mendengar pesan-pesan moral dari mereka yang lebih tua. Beberapa dari pesan itu memang membangkitkan gairah hidup saya kembali dan menginspirasi saya untuk menjadi orang yang lebih baik, namun tidak jarang saya mendengar pesan dari orang yang mindsetnya masih tertinggal zaman.

Kerapkali saya dipesankan untuk mencari pasangan hidup yang agamanya sama, dan kalau bisa, berasal dari keluarga yang kaya raya.

Beberapa orang menyiratkan reaksi negatif ketika mereka tahu bahwa saya tidak suka bayi dan anak kecil, karena "suatu saat nanti saya akan memiliki anak sendiri."

Saya pernah diberitahu agar "tidak usah menyusahkan diri dengan menempuh jenjang pendidikan lebih tinggi; hidup lebih mudah bila kamu menikah dengan seseorang yang kaya."

Di sisi lain, saya pernah diminta untuk kembali ke Indonesia dan membuat perubahan jika saya sudah menjadi "orang" di luar sana.

1. Dalam mencari pasangan hidup, saya tidak mementingkan kekayaan maupun kepercayaan seseorang. Saya ingin mendampingi dan didampingi oleh seseorang yang mau berjuang bersama dengan saya. Apabila kelak nanti saya akan menikah, saya ingin menikah dengan seseorang yang bisa diajak bertukar pikiran dan menanggung beban, tanggung jawab, dan kebahagiaan bersama. Itu yang paling penting. Urusan kepercayaan adalah hal yang sifatnya pribadi, selama bisa saling menerima point of view terhadap spirituality.

2. Saya punya hak atas rahim saya sendiri dan sejak dulu hingga sekarang saya tidak pernah memiliki keinginan untuk memiliki anak kelak nanti. Saya punya life goals lain yang ingin saya wujudkan, and my happiness comes first. Saya tidak ingin melahirkan anak semata-mata karena tuntutan lingkungan.

3. Mungkin at some point in my life saya punya keinginan untuk menikah, tapi menikah bukan tujuan hidup utama saya. Saya hidup untuk belajar dan menjadi seseorang yang berguna bagi orang lain, meskipun hanya terhadap segelintir orang saja. Saya tidak butuh kekayaan karena saya selalu berusaha untuk mengajak diri sendiri agar tidak menjadi seseorang yang materialistik. My true happiness comes from helping others. Mungkin membeli barang-barang brand atau rumah mewah akan membawa kepuasan dan kesenangan tersendiri, tapi bagi saya itu sifatnya tidak permanen, dan ujung2nya saya tidak akan pernah puas dengan apa yang saya miliki sekarang.

4. Percuma kembali ke Indonesia jika gagasanmu tidak didengar dan kamu tidak memperoleh apa yang layak kamu peroleh setelah bekerja keras selama bertahun-tahun. Again, my true happiness comes first, dan sejujurnya di sini saya tidak bahagia. Saya tidak mau membebani diri saya sendiri hanya karena saya dituntut untuk tinggal dan bekerja di tempat yang tidak saya senangi.

I STOP BELIEVING.

I don't mean to be such an attention seeker, I write this as apology to those who might feel hurt from my careless and heartless actions in the future. Please remember that I have no intention to hurt anyone nor myself. I've been going through unfortunate events since last year and some of them involve the shitty side of people, mostly from those I trusted and loved. Also, nowadays I'm coping with the urban lives and I get to witness selfishness and bad attitudes. I don't blame them for that nor myself, but I've absorbed too much negativities from those events. I've stopped believing that people can actually possess goodness for others. I see people as selfish pricks and that's also how I see myself right now. I'm not being a good friend to those who still love and care for me. This is one thing about being an empath; you take everything personally even if it shouldn't be that way, but you just can't help it. As a person who lives in the city, I should be prepared to experience the bad side of humanity, but I didn't. I was being too optimistic towards people but in the end it's all turning against me. This is why I'm not a compatible person to live in a huge and crowded urban area, no matter how social and adaptable I am. I can keep up with the pace and I can even start a small conversation with a random person I just met in the bus or anywhere else, but the habits and attitudes city people possess are not for me. I'm too fucking sensitive for bullshits. 

Again, I hope you understand if I'm slowly turning bitter. Believe me, I'm trying to get rid off it, but there are times when I can't see the light at all. I hope I find a way to escape from the city and make peace with myself somewhere else. When I can make peace with the self, I can be of help for others.

PS: I hate seeing my blog turning into "co.id" instead of "com" because I'm not proud of Indonesia at all. Can anyone help me fix this? 

ANOTHER ENDING, ANOTHER BEGINNING

In a few hours we will have to say sayonara to 2015 and greet 2016 with joy and pleasure. Almost everyone I know posts their top 9 pictures in instagram and expresses their gratitude for all the blessings they have during the year. Few post a list of events and people they care about in their blog. Some chooses to post new year greetings in facebook because it's more convenient to them. 

While it's a year full of joy for most people out there, it's one of the toughest for me. Many times I have to fall and get on my feet again. I faked my smile while there's a storm going on inside me. I lost handful of people I care for. I faced failures and betrayals by people I thought I could trust. I had to experience long-term sickness. Yet I survived all that on my own. It makes me realize that not everything is made of sugar. It reminds me that I don't really have much friends even though I like to socialize, but I still have handful of people who are being true to me. 

Although I don't smile and laugh as often this year, I don't see these unfortunate events as a reason to be bitter. I am forever grateful for the life challenges I have to face on my own, it gives me more strength, wisdom, and resilience. It gave me precious lifetime lessons about people and yourself. I consider myself lucky to have such experiences.

Happy 2016!

THE LIST OF THINGS I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE

Artwork by Rala Choi. Picture taken from berlin-artparasites

1. I anonymously sent a love poem to my first crush. Somehow the whole school found out, and a group of boys bullied me for expressing my true feelings. I was young and very shy, but I wanted so much to express my feelings freely. Years have passed, and if I have the chance to see my younger self and talk to her, I'd say I am proud of her for breaking the comfort zone. My first crush might hated me back then, but I have no absolute regret. 

2. I skipped prayer-breaks back in high school because I was curious on what the other kids are doing. I was grouped with the christian kids and every lunch time we would read verses from the bible and say our prayers. I don't feel like it's my kind of thing, so I decided to explore and find my own spiritual path. I shared interesting conversations with my spiritual teacher, my buddhist teacher and my jehovah witness' friends. I discovered my spiritual path and develop my personal belief from this experience (even though I had to get in trouble several times), and I have no absolute regret. 

3. I forgot to bring my umbrella and it was raining outside. I waited for it to stop, but after a couple of hours I knew it's going to last for the entire day. So I thought to myself, "fuck it, I'm going for a shower!" and ran through the pouring rain. I forgot how fun it is to jump on puddles. I got sick the next day, but I have no absolute regret. 

4. One of my closest friends made a confession to me. She told me she's into girls, and she was afraid that the society might judge her harshly. I grew up in a religious environment, so I knew what it's like to be "different". I told her that I accept her no matter what, and respect her courage to tell me about this. I might went up against my religion, but I have no absolute regret. 

5. I found out that my childhood friends had been talking shit behind my back because I'm a completely different person now. I confronted them and I simply moved on. I might've lost my childhood friends, but I'm now surrounded by good, supportive friends, and I'm much more comfortable being the new person I am now, so I have no absolute regret. 

6. My girl friends and I stayed awake through the night and talked about intimacies and intercourse. Some of us made a confession about our deepest fantasies. We live in a place where it's taboo to fantasize about sex (especially for girls) and it's wrong to wear revealing dress, so I felt a sense of relief during our late night conversation. This inspires me to break the taboo rules and make some erotic arts. I believe that girls have the right to discover their sexual pleasures and explore their own body. My sketch book is full of nude girls, and I have no absolute regret. 

7. I had been holding a deep grudge on someone from my childhood. It's a complicated story and I'd rather not write it down, but long story short, the person was being manipulative and abusive to my adolescent self. 10 years have passed and I decided to spare myself from the memories by forgiving that person even though the person never asks for forgiveness. 

What I did might not be as daring as what a main character in your favorite novel did, but these things change me as a person, and life still has so much to offer. I'm grateful for the changes, the tragedies and revelations in my life.

A REFLECTION

"Even when the sea tries to shatter you, even when the sky crumbles upon you, you will get up again. You will stand up for yourself."

I will never forget what my teacher told me once. I often look at myself in the mirror and contemplate at the image that appear right in front of me. Years have passed and I've made it to this point. I've struggled many times yet I made it this far. And I still have many years ahead of me. I still have much to learn.

I wouldn't say that my life is harder than anyone else. But there are events in my timeline that change me as a person. I've seen people trying to kill each other with my very eyes. I've witnessed a crumbling household. I've experienced abuse and I did the same thing to someone else in return. I understand how it's like to grow up with unexplained anger and confusion. 

But I made it this far. 

I wouldn't lie about the thoughts of giving up. It came across my mind several times. Sometimes I do feel exhausted. Sometimes I ask myself if my life's worth fighting for. But I always end up telling myself: what do I got to lose. 

"You're stronger than you think you are."

I wasn't very sure of what my teacher said, but now I know that it's true. I made it this far. I crumble and struggle, but I always find a way to stand on my feet again. 

SOULS THAT GROW APART

Allow me to share a bit of my experience. 

I always believe that my life has its own pattern. I've met so many people who were part of my previous lives in the present, so it's no longer surprising for me to sense a connection towards another person whom I just met. But I've never felt such a strong connection towards a stranger I happen to met from the internet. Before we talk to each other, we shared the same dream. I was in a castle, and I saw him running all over the place. For the next few months we kept seeing each other in our dreams. I sensed his soul, only to learn that he played a significant role in my previous lives. He was a brother at one time, then a life partner at another. Once we learned the truth, we grew very close to each other, despite the fact that he lives in the other side of the earth. At such distance, we shared a strong empathy; he could tell when I'm feeling upset or disturbed, and vice versa. Our connection was that powerful. 

Things went very well between us. We both trust and love each other; it was a pure and unconditional form of affection, and that was the only time I feel it (so far). But at some point, we went through unpleasant things. We hurt one and another very often, and I've never been so upset with someone. I noticed that we're growing apart and we're not meant to be anymore, but our relationship was so wonderful that I don't want it to end. I closed my eyes from reality and tried my best to make things work again, but things got worse and I realize that it simply won't work, no matter how hard we try. My heavy-hearted self finally decided to end everything; we stopped talking to each other since. I've never been that close to anyone (since I grew up with trust and mental issues) so I thought our friendship could last forever. It was a very hard thing to do, especially because our souls recognize each other since the ancient times. But I've learned so much from this experience. I believe that souls come and go, reunite, and move on. There are times when we meet again, there are times when we hold hands and grow together, there are times when we separate ourselves and start a new spiritual pathway. Our eternal souls grow and learn each day, that's why some things will never be the way it used to be. When things are not the way it were, let it be. Let the past be the past. Let the past be an unforgettable experience, a lesson for our life journey, but never let the past disturb the present. 

As humans, we have the tendency to be partially--or even completely dependent to the significant people in our lives, and that's completely normal. But hurting ourselves over something that is meant to be is a waste of energy; we just can't do anything about it. Our soul is revolving and it will always find its way. So no matter how hard it is, move on and be content with the present. Once we're able to move on, we'll understand life better and we'll grow stronger as a human being. That's part of the spiritual process. :)

Namaste! 

NOTE-TO-SELF OF THE DAY

10 years ago, I was a very shy and quiet girl. I avoided mirrors because I was ashamed of myself; I felt ugly and worthless. I was obese, so the pretty clothes never fit me. There was a guy I like, but somehow the rumors had spread throughout the school. Since then, I was constantly bullied by a group of senior boys, they said I looked like gorilla and I don't deserve anyone. That moment, my only wish is to disappear or to be someone else. I wanted to change my body, I wanted to look like other girls. 

But girls grow up gracefully, and now I'm grateful for having a chance to grow both physically and psychologically. Whenever I look at the mirror, I can now see that I have a pair of beautiful brown eyes and natural thick eyelashes, thick eyebrows and bright skin, all of my physical features that I adore. Many may disagree, but I see myself as a beautiful woman, even though there are lots of girls out there who were gifted with natural beauty. Even though I cannot have the slim model-sih type of body, I'm happy to just be myself. I won't trade this body with anyone else's. I wear whatever I like without having to consider what others may think of it. Moreover, I realize that I'm more than just an Indonesian chubby girl (I lost a lot of weight in a healthy way, because I do care about myself and I want to take care of my own body!), I have potentials and skills, and I'm educated. I've gained my confidence, at last. And while I do appreciate other's opinion, I won't let it affect my confidence. In my mindset, I am beautiful and intelligent. I deserve to be confident whatever the circumstances are. 

So my message to girls out there is this, society has beauty standards and it's always there. It changes and adapts with the era, but there's always a group of people who can't fit in. Never lose confidence, always remember that you are unique in your own way. You're born that way and nothing can change that, but instead of going through plastic surgery, be grateful of your body. Be grateful that you can work with your hands and legs, be grateful and take a good care of the body you're using. All of us have that one unique physical feature others were dying to have. You may not be gifted with natural beauty like other girls your age, but some of you are natural-born musician, writer, artist, or scientist, and those things are cool too! And it's true that you look more beautiful once you have confidence. I compared a picture of myself 10 years ago and now; my facial features haven't changed much, but there's this bright and positive energy around my current pictures. Shine in your own way, and like what my cousin always says, never be the second version of anyone else. 

I SURRENDER, LORD

I grew up in a religious background (Christian, specifically). Going to Sunday School and participating in Church events were part of my weekly activity. I truly believe in God when I was a kid and I always spare some time to pray to Him. But as I grow up, my religious sense began to fade and I became skeptical. My prayers weren't sincere, and I used excuses so that I don't have to go to church. I skip prayers later on and I would just go to sleep and eat my meals without it.

This habit continues for years, until I went to college. For 2 years I've been experiencing emotional roller coster. I almost fail and I haven't done anything remarkable. It fell into depression, but I started to noticed that my friends are going through the same thing. Even though they're just as exhausted as I am, they're doing much better and they eventually get better achievements than I do. I began to wonder why, until I saw their posts on my timeline. They were thanking God for his guidance.

From thereon, everything makes sense to me. Even though it doesn't make sense to fanatic and pitiful atheists out there, I began to understand why religious folks can do better and be happier. They surrender to all the burdens they have to deal with because they believe God will guide them and give them better days. This belief is what keeps them going, that's why it's easier for them to handle emotional or exhausting situations.

Even though there are lots of points in the bible that do not make sense to me, I find prayers and worship songs soothing for the soul. I remember when my church uses 'All to Jesus I Surrender' as one of our worship songs for the week. Some folks bursted into tears, like their life was being renewed. I never actually understand that kind of emotional state, until now.


In Christianity, 'Father" is another name for God, indicating a strong bond between God and the people who worship Him. My Sunday School teacher once told me to remember God as my own Father and talk to Him everyday like how we treat our on father. To let God hears our unheard cries means we let our spiritual selves heal and we surrender to the lowest points of life. Surrendering doesn't mean giving up, it simply means we understand that we sometimes need to face life challenges and emotional situations to make us stronger. The religious may see it this way; God gives us burdens, but once we surrender to God, they believe that God will guide them and help them along the way. That's why the religious are strong both mentally and spiritually. They do not curse on the bad things that happen to them, they simply surrender.

Today, I myself surrender to the lowest points of my life, the unfortunate events and all the emotional conflicts inside me. I believe that God will guide me and I will see better days if I keep going. 

SUNDAY LOUNGE

Happy Sunday! I'd like to apologize if my previous posts were too depressing. Today I feel like the blues are over for now, and hopefully I can stay sane until at least my finals are over. I'm planning to book a session with a psychologist and see if it helps. 

Anyway, to celebrate an international day off, I'd like to post several some lounge music to make your weekend vibrant. But if you're out there working, I believe these songs can keep your spirit high too. That is, if you're into lounge music. 

If you're a big fan of oldies lounge/bossa-nova, I suggest surfing through youtube and look for these channels:

• -Quisquisest 
• -Soft Tempo Lounge (I even interact with the man behind this channel and share songs with him! He's friendly ^^)
• PolidroNobre 
• TheCoffeeShopShop

1. Sunny Escapade by Polish Radio Orchestra 

2. Take Off by Barbara Moore

3. Café by Guido Pisstocchi 

4. The Face that I Love by Chris Karen

5. Summer in Love - I Marc 4

6. Dramma delle Gelosia by Armando Trovajoli 

7. Le cerbiatte by Stelvio Cipriani

8. Uh... too lazy to type the title of the song. But it's relaxing in a sensual way, so it's one of my fave

9. Now or Never by Polish Radio Orchestra


10. Easy Lovers by Piero Piccioni

.

Is it okay to talk about things

that are not okay?

Would the world give me ears

and reveal my hidden tears?

Behind this appearance

lies a rotten heart full of dirt

You can hear it beating

but I know that it's dying

GETTING OUT OF THE HOLE

I wasn't being opened to people because one of the things that I fear most is judgement. I was so afraid that people would think I'm an attention seeker or some sort and think that I'm crazy. But on the other hand, I'm completely aware of my situation and I know that I really should seek for help. It was consuming me, and years ago I almost put an end my own life. Even though I feel much better now, in some days it would visit me and try to bury me with dark thoughts. 

Depression is an illness, it can be fatal and people who suffer with it needs to find a way to cure themselves. Some people seek help from religion or another way of God, some seek professional help, and some from their closest friends. I eventually found a personal way to help myself, but sometimes I feel like I'm being a burden to people around me. And I was afraid that they did not hear my cry for help or worse, they don't really care. Some people I know think that I was just being lazy for laying on the bed and sleep all day (liteally) but the truth is, my heart was heavy. But even to this day, I survive, and I will always do. I don't want to let my loved ones down. 

As a survivor, I want you to please, help a friend or a family member you knew suffering from depression before it's too late.

Below is an artwork I made myself, after suffering from suicidal thoughts. I don't usually have a dark idea and concept on my artwork, so I think this is a valid proof of what I've been through. 

RAPUH

Barangkali, salah satu cara untuk menjadi kuat adalah menyadari bahwa manusia memiliki hak untuk menjadi rapuh. Sadarilah bahwa badai pun dapat meruntuhkan pohon dari tanah tempat ia berpijak, dan ombak dapat mengguncang dan mengikis permukaan batu karang hingga serpihannya menjadi satu dengan pasir. Manusia diciptakan untuk tertawa dan juga menangis. Manusia juga diciptakan untuk bernyanyi dan berteriak. Manusia layak merasa sedih dan layak berduka, juga layak tergoyahkan oleh percobaan dalam hidupnya. Bukankah itu hal-hal yang membuat kita manusia? Pernahkah kamu sadar, bahwa air mata membuatmu bersyukur atas pengalamanmu disakiti dan dicintai? Apakah kebahagiaan tetap sama apabila manusia tidak diciptakan untuk menangis?

Menangislah. Basahi matamu bila kamu merasa dunia tidak peduli atas penderitaan dan sengsara yang tiada akhir. Ketika deritamu keluar bersama dengan tiap tetesan air mata, barulah kamu sadar bahwa dunia tidak berakhir, dan waktu memberikan kesempatan bagimu untuk kembali menjalani hidup dengan harapan baru. 

AKHIR UNTUK YANG LAMA DAN PERMULAAN UNTUK YANG BARU

Beberapa menit lagi, angka 1 pada umurku akan tergantikan oleh angka 2 secara permanen. Seraya menunggu detik-detik terakhirku menjadi perempuan berusia 19 tahun, aku merenungkan apa saya yang terjadi sepanjang tahun. Aku tak bisa memilih antara pengayaan neurosains dengan bioteknologi. Aku baru saja bertengkar hebat dengan seseorang yang dulu kuanggap sahabat (masalahnya sangat fatal dan rumit, sehingga kami tidak mungkin bisa berteman kembali). IPku mencapai titik kritis. Namun di sisi lain, akhirnya aku berteman dengan sesama 'psychic' dan banyak berdiskusi dengan mereka, aku semakin akrab dengan orangtuaku, dan tahun ini semangatku untuk bekerja keras kembali membara. Aku sedang belajar menerima dan merelakan keadaan-keadaan baik dan buruk yang terjadi selama aku berusia 19 tahun.

Selain itu, aku tidak bisa berhenti berpikir mengenai tanggung jawab dan nasib-nasib yang akan kuhadapi nantinya. Siapa tahu, 5 tahun kemudian aku akan menikah, dan 2 tahun berikutnya dikaruniai anak. Dan 5 tahun tidaklah lama, sekarang saja aku masih tidak percaya bahwa 5 tahun yang lalu aku meninggalkan kota masa kecilku yang sangat kucintai. Untuk mencapai cia-cita, aku tidak bisa lagi bermain-main dengan waktu. Waktu terus berjalan dan usia terus bertambah. Keduanya tidak bisa dihentikan atau bahkan dikembalikan. 

Namun, renungan ini juga menghasilkan pemikiran-pemikiran yang menyenangkan. Ada banyak kesempatan emas yang bisa diraih. Barangkali nantinya aku dianggap cukup dewasa oleh orangtuaku sehingga mereka mengizinkan aku menjelajahi berbagai negara. Barangkali menikah dan memiliki anak bukanlah hal yang menakutkan, siapa yang tidak mau hidup didampingi oleh seseorang yang sangat dicintai? Tidakkah mengasuh, mengeksplorasi dunia dari sudut pandang anak kecil, dan menurunkan pesan-pesan hidup itu menyenangkan?

Di usiaku yang ke 20, tentu saja aku berharap yang terbaik untuk usiaku yang berikutnya. Aku berdoa agar apapun ilmu yang kugarapi nantinya, dapat berguna di masa yang akan datang. Aku berdoa agar pertengkaran yang terjadi dapat membantuku memilih teman yang lebih baik dan terpercaya. Aku berdoa agar aku semakin haus akan ilmu dan giat belajar sehingga IP akan terbantu dengan sendirinya.