THE LIST OF THINGS I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE

Artwork by Rala Choi. Picture taken from berlin-artparasites

1. I anonymously sent a love poem to my first crush. Somehow the whole school found out, and a group of boys bullied me for expressing my true feelings. I was young and very shy, but I wanted so much to express my feelings freely. Years have passed, and if I have the chance to see my younger self and talk to her, I'd say I am proud of her for breaking the comfort zone. My first crush might hated me back then, but I have no absolute regret. 

2. I skipped prayer-breaks back in high school because I was curious on what the other kids are doing. I was grouped with the christian kids and every lunch time we would read verses from the bible and say our prayers. I don't feel like it's my kind of thing, so I decided to explore and find my own spiritual path. I shared interesting conversations with my spiritual teacher, my buddhist teacher and my jehovah witness' friends. I discovered my spiritual path and develop my personal belief from this experience (even though I had to get in trouble several times), and I have no absolute regret. 

3. I forgot to bring my umbrella and it was raining outside. I waited for it to stop, but after a couple of hours I knew it's going to last for the entire day. So I thought to myself, "fuck it, I'm going for a shower!" and ran through the pouring rain. I forgot how fun it is to jump on puddles. I got sick the next day, but I have no absolute regret. 

4. One of my closest friends made a confession to me. She told me she's into girls, and she was afraid that the society might judge her harshly. I grew up in a religious environment, so I knew what it's like to be "different". I told her that I accept her no matter what, and respect her courage to tell me about this. I might went up against my religion, but I have no absolute regret. 

5. I found out that my childhood friends had been talking shit behind my back because I'm a completely different person now. I confronted them and I simply moved on. I might've lost my childhood friends, but I'm now surrounded by good, supportive friends, and I'm much more comfortable being the new person I am now, so I have no absolute regret. 

6. My girl friends and I stayed awake through the night and talked about intimacies and intercourse. Some of us made a confession about our deepest fantasies. We live in a place where it's taboo to fantasize about sex (especially for girls) and it's wrong to wear revealing dress, so I felt a sense of relief during our late night conversation. This inspires me to break the taboo rules and make some erotic arts. I believe that girls have the right to discover their sexual pleasures and explore their own body. My sketch book is full of nude girls, and I have no absolute regret. 

7. I had been holding a deep grudge on someone from my childhood. It's a complicated story and I'd rather not write it down, but long story short, the person was being manipulative and abusive to my adolescent self. 10 years have passed and I decided to spare myself from the memories by forgiving that person even though the person never asks for forgiveness. 

What I did might not be as daring as what a main character in your favorite novel did, but these things change me as a person, and life still has so much to offer. I'm grateful for the changes, the tragedies and revelations in my life.

A REFLECTION

"Even when the sea tries to shatter you, even when the sky crumbles upon you, you will get up again. You will stand up for yourself."

I will never forget what my teacher told me once. I often look at myself in the mirror and contemplate at the image that appear right in front of me. Years have passed and I've made it to this point. I've struggled many times yet I made it this far. And I still have many years ahead of me. I still have much to learn.

I wouldn't say that my life is harder than anyone else. But there are events in my timeline that change me as a person. I've seen people trying to kill each other with my very eyes. I've witnessed a crumbling household. I've experienced abuse and I did the same thing to someone else in return. I understand how it's like to grow up with unexplained anger and confusion. 

But I made it this far. 

I wouldn't lie about the thoughts of giving up. It came across my mind several times. Sometimes I do feel exhausted. Sometimes I ask myself if my life's worth fighting for. But I always end up telling myself: what do I got to lose. 

"You're stronger than you think you are."

I wasn't very sure of what my teacher said, but now I know that it's true. I made it this far. I crumble and struggle, but I always find a way to stand on my feet again.