When I heard there's a tarot reading service near my place, I thought I should give it a try. I know some of you don't believe in such thing and I respect that, but my intuition kept telling me to go for it. And if there's one thing I learn for the past 21 years, it is to always trust my intuition and listen to it.
But here's a thing, tarot reading won't give you sugar-coated information or make decisions for you. The future it predicts is based on the present, so it all depends on what you're going through and your attitude towards it. Nothing else but yourself can determine the future (which is also a reason why I never want to predict one's future). So tarot is basically a mirror for your soul, in form of cards.
Before getting this service I'm always confident that I know myself well enough to the point that I'm being arrogant about it. I always thought people don't, and won't understand me. I think this is where my intuition kicks in, because turns out there's much more inside of myself I have yet to discover.
Most of my questions revolve around relationships. I don't feel like I need to specify my questions here, but here's what I learn from my tarot reading session, and it's so accurate it hurts:
Coming from a conservative family, I always have insecurities within myself. I set a limit over everything, including friendships. No matter how close I am to a person, I always have hard time revealing my problems, insecurities, and conflicts because I think they don't need to know or doing so would change the way they see me. There are many factors contributing to this habit, but one that affects me the most is the past bullying and many betrayals from people I used to consider my friends, specifically from primary through high school. I was a constant object of bullying for being so obese and as much as I hate to admit it, it affects me to this very day. Yes, the bullies asked for forgiveness, but it affects my emotional state and the way I see people. I didn't realize this until I sit on the tarot counter. The emotional scars give me the tendency to build walls around myself so that people can't harm me, and the fact that I'm back at my old fat self again thanks to medication makes it worse. But instead of protecting me, it destroys me even more.
I'm naturally a social person. I get along with people easily and I'm a good listener. But as much as I like to learn what interests them, I tend not to talk about myself too much, out of fear that they would see me as a freak and not accept me in their social groups anymore. As the result, it takes me longer time to get close with someone.
I also have this constant fear that the friendships I have today will soon be abandoned because this is pretty much the case with most of my school friends. As we grow up, we grow apart. This happens too many times, I'm starting to lose a bit of faith in maintaining long-lasting friendships. As the result I tend to pull myself out of social interactions and isolate myself, which affects my mental health greatly.
So the main problem here are my lack of trust towards people and my personal insecurities. For being an object of bullying in the past I always try so hard, subconsciously, to not look like a freak and to keep some distance from people I know. Being overprotective to oneself, however, can be destructive. And I'm already seeing that now.
I still want to engage in long-lasting friendships and to commit in everlasting relationship with a person I truly love. I still want to believe that friendships, and any forms of relationships, can last til' death. But I cannot do that unless if I start to learn to love myself unconditionally and not to let people's bullshit affect me to emotional and mental extent.
I still don't know where to begin, but I think writing this publicly is a good start. No human being is perfect. It is okay to be fragile from time to time.
The tarot reading costs me a fee, but for leading me to a new beginning, I think it's worth the fee.
