ANOTHER ENDING, ANOTHER BEGINNING

In a few hours we will have to say sayonara to 2015 and greet 2016 with joy and pleasure. Almost everyone I know posts their top 9 pictures in instagram and expresses their gratitude for all the blessings they have during the year. Few post a list of events and people they care about in their blog. Some chooses to post new year greetings in facebook because it's more convenient to them. 

While it's a year full of joy for most people out there, it's one of the toughest for me. Many times I have to fall and get on my feet again. I faked my smile while there's a storm going on inside me. I lost handful of people I care for. I faced failures and betrayals by people I thought I could trust. I had to experience long-term sickness. Yet I survived all that on my own. It makes me realize that not everything is made of sugar. It reminds me that I don't really have much friends even though I like to socialize, but I still have handful of people who are being true to me. 

Although I don't smile and laugh as often this year, I don't see these unfortunate events as a reason to be bitter. I am forever grateful for the life challenges I have to face on my own, it gives me more strength, wisdom, and resilience. It gave me precious lifetime lessons about people and yourself. I consider myself lucky to have such experiences.

Happy 2016!

THE LIST OF THINGS I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE

Artwork by Rala Choi. Picture taken from berlin-artparasites

1. I anonymously sent a love poem to my first crush. Somehow the whole school found out, and a group of boys bullied me for expressing my true feelings. I was young and very shy, but I wanted so much to express my feelings freely. Years have passed, and if I have the chance to see my younger self and talk to her, I'd say I am proud of her for breaking the comfort zone. My first crush might hated me back then, but I have no absolute regret. 

2. I skipped prayer-breaks back in high school because I was curious on what the other kids are doing. I was grouped with the christian kids and every lunch time we would read verses from the bible and say our prayers. I don't feel like it's my kind of thing, so I decided to explore and find my own spiritual path. I shared interesting conversations with my spiritual teacher, my buddhist teacher and my jehovah witness' friends. I discovered my spiritual path and develop my personal belief from this experience (even though I had to get in trouble several times), and I have no absolute regret. 

3. I forgot to bring my umbrella and it was raining outside. I waited for it to stop, but after a couple of hours I knew it's going to last for the entire day. So I thought to myself, "fuck it, I'm going for a shower!" and ran through the pouring rain. I forgot how fun it is to jump on puddles. I got sick the next day, but I have no absolute regret. 

4. One of my closest friends made a confession to me. She told me she's into girls, and she was afraid that the society might judge her harshly. I grew up in a religious environment, so I knew what it's like to be "different". I told her that I accept her no matter what, and respect her courage to tell me about this. I might went up against my religion, but I have no absolute regret. 

5. I found out that my childhood friends had been talking shit behind my back because I'm a completely different person now. I confronted them and I simply moved on. I might've lost my childhood friends, but I'm now surrounded by good, supportive friends, and I'm much more comfortable being the new person I am now, so I have no absolute regret. 

6. My girl friends and I stayed awake through the night and talked about intimacies and intercourse. Some of us made a confession about our deepest fantasies. We live in a place where it's taboo to fantasize about sex (especially for girls) and it's wrong to wear revealing dress, so I felt a sense of relief during our late night conversation. This inspires me to break the taboo rules and make some erotic arts. I believe that girls have the right to discover their sexual pleasures and explore their own body. My sketch book is full of nude girls, and I have no absolute regret. 

7. I had been holding a deep grudge on someone from my childhood. It's a complicated story and I'd rather not write it down, but long story short, the person was being manipulative and abusive to my adolescent self. 10 years have passed and I decided to spare myself from the memories by forgiving that person even though the person never asks for forgiveness. 

What I did might not be as daring as what a main character in your favorite novel did, but these things change me as a person, and life still has so much to offer. I'm grateful for the changes, the tragedies and revelations in my life.

A REFLECTION

"Even when the sea tries to shatter you, even when the sky crumbles upon you, you will get up again. You will stand up for yourself."

I will never forget what my teacher told me once. I often look at myself in the mirror and contemplate at the image that appear right in front of me. Years have passed and I've made it to this point. I've struggled many times yet I made it this far. And I still have many years ahead of me. I still have much to learn.

I wouldn't say that my life is harder than anyone else. But there are events in my timeline that change me as a person. I've seen people trying to kill each other with my very eyes. I've witnessed a crumbling household. I've experienced abuse and I did the same thing to someone else in return. I understand how it's like to grow up with unexplained anger and confusion. 

But I made it this far. 

I wouldn't lie about the thoughts of giving up. It came across my mind several times. Sometimes I do feel exhausted. Sometimes I ask myself if my life's worth fighting for. But I always end up telling myself: what do I got to lose. 

"You're stronger than you think you are."

I wasn't very sure of what my teacher said, but now I know that it's true. I made it this far. I crumble and struggle, but I always find a way to stand on my feet again. 

SOULS THAT GROW APART

Allow me to share a bit of my experience. 

I always believe that my life has its own pattern. I've met so many people who were part of my previous lives in the present, so it's no longer surprising for me to sense a connection towards another person whom I just met. But I've never felt such a strong connection towards a stranger I happen to met from the internet. Before we talk to each other, we shared the same dream. I was in a castle, and I saw him running all over the place. For the next few months we kept seeing each other in our dreams. I sensed his soul, only to learn that he played a significant role in my previous lives. He was a brother at one time, then a life partner at another. Once we learned the truth, we grew very close to each other, despite the fact that he lives in the other side of the earth. At such distance, we shared a strong empathy; he could tell when I'm feeling upset or disturbed, and vice versa. Our connection was that powerful. 

Things went very well between us. We both trust and love each other; it was a pure and unconditional form of affection, and that was the only time I feel it (so far). But at some point, we went through unpleasant things. We hurt one and another very often, and I've never been so upset with someone. I noticed that we're growing apart and we're not meant to be anymore, but our relationship was so wonderful that I don't want it to end. I closed my eyes from reality and tried my best to make things work again, but things got worse and I realize that it simply won't work, no matter how hard we try. My heavy-hearted self finally decided to end everything; we stopped talking to each other since. I've never been that close to anyone (since I grew up with trust and mental issues) so I thought our friendship could last forever. It was a very hard thing to do, especially because our souls recognize each other since the ancient times. But I've learned so much from this experience. I believe that souls come and go, reunite, and move on. There are times when we meet again, there are times when we hold hands and grow together, there are times when we separate ourselves and start a new spiritual pathway. Our eternal souls grow and learn each day, that's why some things will never be the way it used to be. When things are not the way it were, let it be. Let the past be the past. Let the past be an unforgettable experience, a lesson for our life journey, but never let the past disturb the present. 

As humans, we have the tendency to be partially--or even completely dependent to the significant people in our lives, and that's completely normal. But hurting ourselves over something that is meant to be is a waste of energy; we just can't do anything about it. Our soul is revolving and it will always find its way. So no matter how hard it is, move on and be content with the present. Once we're able to move on, we'll understand life better and we'll grow stronger as a human being. That's part of the spiritual process. :)

Namaste! 

NOTE-TO-SELF OF THE DAY

10 years ago, I was a very shy and quiet girl. I avoided mirrors because I was ashamed of myself; I felt ugly and worthless. I was obese, so the pretty clothes never fit me. There was a guy I like, but somehow the rumors had spread throughout the school. Since then, I was constantly bullied by a group of senior boys, they said I looked like gorilla and I don't deserve anyone. That moment, my only wish is to disappear or to be someone else. I wanted to change my body, I wanted to look like other girls. 

But girls grow up gracefully, and now I'm grateful for having a chance to grow both physically and psychologically. Whenever I look at the mirror, I can now see that I have a pair of beautiful brown eyes and natural thick eyelashes, thick eyebrows and bright skin, all of my physical features that I adore. Many may disagree, but I see myself as a beautiful woman, even though there are lots of girls out there who were gifted with natural beauty. Even though I cannot have the slim model-sih type of body, I'm happy to just be myself. I won't trade this body with anyone else's. I wear whatever I like without having to consider what others may think of it. Moreover, I realize that I'm more than just an Indonesian chubby girl (I lost a lot of weight in a healthy way, because I do care about myself and I want to take care of my own body!), I have potentials and skills, and I'm educated. I've gained my confidence, at last. And while I do appreciate other's opinion, I won't let it affect my confidence. In my mindset, I am beautiful and intelligent. I deserve to be confident whatever the circumstances are. 

So my message to girls out there is this, society has beauty standards and it's always there. It changes and adapts with the era, but there's always a group of people who can't fit in. Never lose confidence, always remember that you are unique in your own way. You're born that way and nothing can change that, but instead of going through plastic surgery, be grateful of your body. Be grateful that you can work with your hands and legs, be grateful and take a good care of the body you're using. All of us have that one unique physical feature others were dying to have. You may not be gifted with natural beauty like other girls your age, but some of you are natural-born musician, writer, artist, or scientist, and those things are cool too! And it's true that you look more beautiful once you have confidence. I compared a picture of myself 10 years ago and now; my facial features haven't changed much, but there's this bright and positive energy around my current pictures. Shine in your own way, and like what my cousin always says, never be the second version of anyone else. 

I SURRENDER, LORD

I grew up in a religious background (Christian, specifically). Going to Sunday School and participating in Church events were part of my weekly activity. I truly believe in God when I was a kid and I always spare some time to pray to Him. But as I grow up, my religious sense began to fade and I became skeptical. My prayers weren't sincere, and I used excuses so that I don't have to go to church. I skip prayers later on and I would just go to sleep and eat my meals without it.

This habit continues for years, until I went to college. For 2 years I've been experiencing emotional roller coster. I almost fail and I haven't done anything remarkable. It fell into depression, but I started to noticed that my friends are going through the same thing. Even though they're just as exhausted as I am, they're doing much better and they eventually get better achievements than I do. I began to wonder why, until I saw their posts on my timeline. They were thanking God for his guidance.

From thereon, everything makes sense to me. Even though it doesn't make sense to fanatic and pitiful atheists out there, I began to understand why religious folks can do better and be happier. They surrender to all the burdens they have to deal with because they believe God will guide them and give them better days. This belief is what keeps them going, that's why it's easier for them to handle emotional or exhausting situations.

Even though there are lots of points in the bible that do not make sense to me, I find prayers and worship songs soothing for the soul. I remember when my church uses 'All to Jesus I Surrender' as one of our worship songs for the week. Some folks bursted into tears, like their life was being renewed. I never actually understand that kind of emotional state, until now.


In Christianity, 'Father" is another name for God, indicating a strong bond between God and the people who worship Him. My Sunday School teacher once told me to remember God as my own Father and talk to Him everyday like how we treat our on father. To let God hears our unheard cries means we let our spiritual selves heal and we surrender to the lowest points of life. Surrendering doesn't mean giving up, it simply means we understand that we sometimes need to face life challenges and emotional situations to make us stronger. The religious may see it this way; God gives us burdens, but once we surrender to God, they believe that God will guide them and help them along the way. That's why the religious are strong both mentally and spiritually. They do not curse on the bad things that happen to them, they simply surrender.

Today, I myself surrender to the lowest points of my life, the unfortunate events and all the emotional conflicts inside me. I believe that God will guide me and I will see better days if I keep going. 

SUNDAY LOUNGE

Happy Sunday! I'd like to apologize if my previous posts were too depressing. Today I feel like the blues are over for now, and hopefully I can stay sane until at least my finals are over. I'm planning to book a session with a psychologist and see if it helps. 

Anyway, to celebrate an international day off, I'd like to post several some lounge music to make your weekend vibrant. But if you're out there working, I believe these songs can keep your spirit high too. That is, if you're into lounge music. 

If you're a big fan of oldies lounge/bossa-nova, I suggest surfing through youtube and look for these channels:

• -Quisquisest 
• -Soft Tempo Lounge (I even interact with the man behind this channel and share songs with him! He's friendly ^^)
• PolidroNobre 
• TheCoffeeShopShop

1. Sunny Escapade by Polish Radio Orchestra 

2. Take Off by Barbara Moore

3. Café by Guido Pisstocchi 

4. The Face that I Love by Chris Karen

5. Summer in Love - I Marc 4

6. Dramma delle Gelosia by Armando Trovajoli 

7. Le cerbiatte by Stelvio Cipriani

8. Uh... too lazy to type the title of the song. But it's relaxing in a sensual way, so it's one of my fave

9. Now or Never by Polish Radio Orchestra


10. Easy Lovers by Piero Piccioni

.

Is it okay to talk about things

that are not okay?

Would the world give me ears

and reveal my hidden tears?

Behind this appearance

lies a rotten heart full of dirt

You can hear it beating

but I know that it's dying

GETTING OUT OF THE HOLE

I wasn't being opened to people because one of the things that I fear most is judgement. I was so afraid that people would think I'm an attention seeker or some sort and think that I'm crazy. But on the other hand, I'm completely aware of my situation and I know that I really should seek for help. It was consuming me, and years ago I almost put an end my own life. Even though I feel much better now, in some days it would visit me and try to bury me with dark thoughts. 

Depression is an illness, it can be fatal and people who suffer with it needs to find a way to cure themselves. Some people seek help from religion or another way of God, some seek professional help, and some from their closest friends. I eventually found a personal way to help myself, but sometimes I feel like I'm being a burden to people around me. And I was afraid that they did not hear my cry for help or worse, they don't really care. Some people I know think that I was just being lazy for laying on the bed and sleep all day (liteally) but the truth is, my heart was heavy. But even to this day, I survive, and I will always do. I don't want to let my loved ones down. 

As a survivor, I want you to please, help a friend or a family member you knew suffering from depression before it's too late.

Below is an artwork I made myself, after suffering from suicidal thoughts. I don't usually have a dark idea and concept on my artwork, so I think this is a valid proof of what I've been through. 

RAPUH

Barangkali, salah satu cara untuk menjadi kuat adalah menyadari bahwa manusia memiliki hak untuk menjadi rapuh. Sadarilah bahwa badai pun dapat meruntuhkan pohon dari tanah tempat ia berpijak, dan ombak dapat mengguncang dan mengikis permukaan batu karang hingga serpihannya menjadi satu dengan pasir. Manusia diciptakan untuk tertawa dan juga menangis. Manusia juga diciptakan untuk bernyanyi dan berteriak. Manusia layak merasa sedih dan layak berduka, juga layak tergoyahkan oleh percobaan dalam hidupnya. Bukankah itu hal-hal yang membuat kita manusia? Pernahkah kamu sadar, bahwa air mata membuatmu bersyukur atas pengalamanmu disakiti dan dicintai? Apakah kebahagiaan tetap sama apabila manusia tidak diciptakan untuk menangis?

Menangislah. Basahi matamu bila kamu merasa dunia tidak peduli atas penderitaan dan sengsara yang tiada akhir. Ketika deritamu keluar bersama dengan tiap tetesan air mata, barulah kamu sadar bahwa dunia tidak berakhir, dan waktu memberikan kesempatan bagimu untuk kembali menjalani hidup dengan harapan baru. 

AKHIR UNTUK YANG LAMA DAN PERMULAAN UNTUK YANG BARU

Beberapa menit lagi, angka 1 pada umurku akan tergantikan oleh angka 2 secara permanen. Seraya menunggu detik-detik terakhirku menjadi perempuan berusia 19 tahun, aku merenungkan apa saya yang terjadi sepanjang tahun. Aku tak bisa memilih antara pengayaan neurosains dengan bioteknologi. Aku baru saja bertengkar hebat dengan seseorang yang dulu kuanggap sahabat (masalahnya sangat fatal dan rumit, sehingga kami tidak mungkin bisa berteman kembali). IPku mencapai titik kritis. Namun di sisi lain, akhirnya aku berteman dengan sesama 'psychic' dan banyak berdiskusi dengan mereka, aku semakin akrab dengan orangtuaku, dan tahun ini semangatku untuk bekerja keras kembali membara. Aku sedang belajar menerima dan merelakan keadaan-keadaan baik dan buruk yang terjadi selama aku berusia 19 tahun.

Selain itu, aku tidak bisa berhenti berpikir mengenai tanggung jawab dan nasib-nasib yang akan kuhadapi nantinya. Siapa tahu, 5 tahun kemudian aku akan menikah, dan 2 tahun berikutnya dikaruniai anak. Dan 5 tahun tidaklah lama, sekarang saja aku masih tidak percaya bahwa 5 tahun yang lalu aku meninggalkan kota masa kecilku yang sangat kucintai. Untuk mencapai cia-cita, aku tidak bisa lagi bermain-main dengan waktu. Waktu terus berjalan dan usia terus bertambah. Keduanya tidak bisa dihentikan atau bahkan dikembalikan. 

Namun, renungan ini juga menghasilkan pemikiran-pemikiran yang menyenangkan. Ada banyak kesempatan emas yang bisa diraih. Barangkali nantinya aku dianggap cukup dewasa oleh orangtuaku sehingga mereka mengizinkan aku menjelajahi berbagai negara. Barangkali menikah dan memiliki anak bukanlah hal yang menakutkan, siapa yang tidak mau hidup didampingi oleh seseorang yang sangat dicintai? Tidakkah mengasuh, mengeksplorasi dunia dari sudut pandang anak kecil, dan menurunkan pesan-pesan hidup itu menyenangkan?

Di usiaku yang ke 20, tentu saja aku berharap yang terbaik untuk usiaku yang berikutnya. Aku berdoa agar apapun ilmu yang kugarapi nantinya, dapat berguna di masa yang akan datang. Aku berdoa agar pertengkaran yang terjadi dapat membantuku memilih teman yang lebih baik dan terpercaya. Aku berdoa agar aku semakin haus akan ilmu dan giat belajar sehingga IP akan terbantu dengan sendirinya. 

PENCERAHAN

Memang betul kata guruku dan Kak Ed, kemanapun kami pergi, pasti kami selalu menemui orang-orang yang satu pemikiran dan satu pengalaman. Setelah melepaskan masa SMA untuk menempuh pendidikan yang lebih tinggi, aku berjuang untuk dapat berbaur dalam lingkungan yang sungguh baru. Di satu sisi, usaha itu berjalan dengan lancar dan akhirnya aku dikelilingi oleh teman-teman yang hebat dan seru, namun di sisi lainnya, karunia yang diturunkan oleh kakek terhadapku mulai terkubur secara perlahan-lahan. Kondisi ini membuatku cukup menderita secara mental dan spiritual, karena pohon yang konon berdiri teguh telah kehilangan fondasinya. Namun ketika aku sedang melalui masa-masa itu, aku ditemukan dengan beberapa kenalan (sebut saja Stella dan Markus) yang ingin mengajakku berkaya bersama. Sambil menyusun rencana, perlahan aku sadar bahwa kami sama-sama dikaruniai bakat tersebut, namun kami tidak pernah ingin menunjukkannya di hadapan publik (kami tidak ingin dilabel gila). Mulai dari situ, kami tenggelam dalam pembicaraan di antara kami, menceritakan pengalaman-pengalaman aneh yang mungkin terdengar mistis bagi orang lain. Tapi pada kenyataannya, itulah yang kami alami. Sejujurnya kami memiliki kerinduan yang dalam untuk menceritakan berbagai pengalaman kami kepada orang lain, namun kami sadar bahwa tidak semua orang bisa memahami apa yang terjadi. Akhirnya, aku menceritakan bagaimana guruku menunjukkan masa laluku di zaman Mataram Kuno dan bahkan Perang Dunia II. Markus menceritakan bagaimana dia bisa 'membaca' orang lain, dan Stella menceritakan pengalaman near death experience juga bagaimana dia berinteraksi dengan makhluk halus di masa kecilnya. Kemudian kita berdiskusi mengenai evolusi dunia dari perspektif spiritual (dari perang antar perang yang tidak menyelesaikan masalah, era damai para hippies yang sedikit menenangkan dunia namun berantakan karena tidak memiliki landasan hukum, dan dunia saat ini yang mulai memilah dan memperbaiki sistem hukum juga beradaptasi dengan teknologi), dan mengapa dunia butuh menyeimbangkan sains dengan spiritualitas. Kami sama-sama sadar bahwa dunia bukan milik manusia belaka, namun di tanah yang sama namun dimensinya berbeda, terdapat juga penghuni lain yang ingin "rumahnya" dihargai dan diakui. Namun kebanyakan kasus yang terjadi adalah, kita para manusia tidak menyadari kehadiran mereka dan kita berlagak tidak sopan terhadap 'yang lebih tua'. Maka dari itu, tak heran apabila terdapat banyak kejadian-kejadian aneh dan mistis di daerah tertentu. Mereka memang ingin mengusir manusia dari daerah yang mereka tinggali sejak lama. Oleh karena itu, penting sekali menyediakan sepetak tanah yang tidak digusur sama sekali di tiap daerah agar setidaknya bagian dari rumah mereka masih tersedia untuk mereka tempati. Aku dan Stella berasal dari daerah yang sama, dan kami merasakan sendiri perbedaan makhluk-makhluk tersebut di daerah kami dengan daerah kota. Karena alam di daerah kami hanya sedikit yang tersentuh, penghuni lamanya masih memiliki hak untuk hidup dengan nyaman, namun beda ceritanya di daerah kota. Begitu banyak topik terpendam yang kami keluarkan bersama, hingga perjalanan waktu tidak kami perhatikan sama sekali. 

Intinya, pertemuan kami membuat bakat masing-masing yang terpendam menjadi terbuka dengan sendirinya, dan lucunya, sebelum berkumpul seperti ini kami sudah sadar bahwa semua anggota perbincangan tadi memilki jiwa yang tua, dalam arti sudah mengalami segala kekacauan dan kesejahteraan yang terjadi di bumi dan alam sekitarnya berkali-kali. Pengalaman inilah yang membuat kami dikaruniai bakat seperti itu, juga kami memiliki ambisi untuk setidaknya memperbaiki beberapa bagian dari dunia ini. Dan terbukti pula pesan dari guruku dan Kak Ed, bahwa kemanapun aku pergi, aku pasti menemui orang-orang yang serupa dan sepemahaman. Di penghujung hari, aku memberi pesan terhadap diri sendiri bahwa aku tidak perlu khawatir dan merasa kesepian, karena jiwa dari orang-orang seperti aku akan selalu saling menemukan satu sama lain. Atas alasan itu, hari ini aku merasa sangat senang dan nyaman :)

THE ART OF EXPRESSING THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

Sorry that I've abandoned this blog over a period of time. Not that I don't want to write anymore, I really do but I have no idea what to write, or rather, how to express my thoughts in the simplest words possible. Lately I've found comfort in expressing my thoughts in a form of art, usually a drawing followed by a short prose. It's more challenging to me that way because to make things seem artistic, I cannot be too literal; I have to put metaphors and the drawing has to support both the metaphors and the actual meaning of what I'm trying to express. But that's what I like to do. 

Another reason for this brand new 'hobby' is because I don't like to express my feelings directly. While I do love to share thoughts with people, I'm not very comfortable with doing a 'heart-to-heart' talk (or 'curhat'), not even to my best of friends. Not that I don't trust them, I have hard times explaining how an event would make me feel because the feelings are pretty complex (considering that I'm a very empathic person) and many times I've been misunderstood. So I thought illustrating these feelings into something easier to understand might help, and hey, it does help. Also, by expressing my inner thoughts this way, I make people think and observe too, I stimulate their minds to think deeply and analyze my drawings and proses, connect them with current issues we have in our world. 

I'm considering a career in illustration (probably between science and philosophy/slice of life) due to this. I'm not gonna call myself an artist just yet because I still have much to learn and I haven't yet maximize my talent. But I do know that my passions are drawing and writing. I draw, therefore I am.