SINGING IN THE RAIN

I stepped out from the bus. It was raining heavily and I left my umbrella at home, so I had to rush myself to the security post, which was only 10 m ahead of me. However, I still couldn't make it back home to my boarding house, so I had to stay in the security post for a while. I made a small talk with the kind and friendly securities, they talked about their villages, their families, and how I lost so much weight since the first time we met. Minutes passed by, and I noticed that the rain has calmed down but not so much. I figured it was the best time for me to rush into my boarding house, but as I stepped my feet outside the rain got heavy again (with thunderstorms as a bonus). There were plenty of moments where the rain calmed down, but some time later it turned itself into a terrible storm. And it did that whenever I decided to rush myself back home. 

I sat there wondering why I had to experience this kind of bad luck, but then I remember how much my younger self loves the heavy rain... Back in my hometown, we were told by our parents to carry an umbrella with us all the time, because it rains everyday in Tembagapura and the rain would make us ill. Yes, we did carry have an umbrella in our backpack, but we seldom even use it. When it rains, we let every drop of it touches our face. We got back home soaking wet, and took a nice warm bath right after and a cup of homemade hot chocolate. It was a very pleasant experience. And quite surprisingly, none of us got sick after all. 

I tucked my shoes in my bag and let the rain hit me. I felt a strange comfort whenever a drop of the rain hit my face or my clothes, whenever my bare feet touches the moist ground and the puddles. I enjoyed the cold weather and how quiet the neighborhood was since everyone was hiding inside their houses. Some passerby with an umbrella starred at me feeling sorry, little do they know I actually feel sorry for them because they did not enjoy the lovely rain.

Sometimes we have to stop being so protective to ourselves by putting away our shield (the umbrella) just to see what we define as 'bad' isn't always bad. The bad weather can be a wonderful thing, once you decided to see it from a different perspective. 

DRAMATIC CHANGES

I'm getting very comfortable with my current lifestyle now but at the same time I'm not making any progress for the better. I still can't support myself financially, I'm not losing any weight, I still have no significant achievement in college. Last month especially, had been pretty tough after I saw my grades and had a huge fight with my best friend. I felt retarded and awful, two of the worst feelings ever existed. I'm able to handle this kind of situation now, my best friend and I are talking to each other again, I'm doing my best to fix my grade and I'm not giving up on my workout. Still I think something is wrong, or not working.

The past few days I feel something strange inside myself. Few days ago when it all started I suffered from low blood pressure (still recovering now) and that's when I slept for 12 hours straight, which is unusual for me because I rarely overslept. I knew I need to wake up, but I could barely open my eyes and move my body, another sleep paralysis experience minus the scary-looking spirits. That moment gave me another meaningful dream I believe I needed to experience. 

The dream brought me to a fancy, high-class apartment and all of my family and high school friends were there, but they seemed to ignore me or they just didn't notice my existent. But a security guard seemed to notice my presence, and he accused me for stealing one of the apartment keys. I tried to avoid him and ended up lost in the hidden corner of the apartment where I found a small but luxurious library. The shelves and the floor were made of marbles and the collections looked old, yet the library was completely empty. I walked around and found another hidden corner inside the library; there was a desk with a Tibetan singing bowl on it, and there was a sign that said the library provides free aura healing service. I passed out for whatever reason I still don't understand, and a monk came in to carry me and talk to me. He asked me to stay focus and started asking me random questions like the name of my pets, things I like to do, my favorite colors, but there are noises around us like the sound of doors, wardrobes and drawers being held open and heavy books slammed onto the floor, and they are getting louder. He kept telling me to stay focus, but the noises were louder then ever and I couldn't hear a thing he said. The noises woke me up from that dream eventually, but this time I completely understand what it means without any assistant.

I've been too distracted and out of the root, I put away my responsibilities and I waste my talents to live the life I have now. Back then I did what I'm meant to do, but this turns me into an alien and I found it hard to fit in. I had very few friends back in school days and I don't blame them because I do realize I'm too strange to be around them. That's when I decided to throw away what defines me and blend in, and it worked. Now I have friends and I can say that I'm quite popular here, I had too much fun I didn't pay any attention to my intuition and conscience. They have been screaming and yelling at me but like I said, I've felt too comfortable with the lifestyle I have now. And here I am, failing in life and not making any significant progress, which explains why my energy field is getting weaker than ever.

I need to start making changes here and there soon and get away from my own comfort zone. I'm opening my ears to my conscience and paying attention to my intuition again, and they told me I need to figure out things all by myself, how can I make such a dramatic change so I can make at least a step further from where I am now. I used to have some help from my gifted teacher, who noticed my troubles and unused talents back in high school before I even said a word to him and I used to have plenty of help from my best friend, but after that fight and I lose contact with my teacher I realize that I'm on my own now. I believe they're making changes themselves, and I can't always rely on someone else to help me if I want to live life properly.

I figure going somewhere remote and reconnect with nature alone would make the best first step, I'll be able to clear my mind and gain my confidence and determination back. But I do realize I need to make it happen instead of waiting for it to happen. It's a crucial step because I can't do things right without confidence and I won't get the result I want without determination. Being alone would make me stop being so concerned about what others think of me; all this time I feel like they're looking down at me because I'm surrounded with friends and family who are making progress (be that academic achievements, career or weight-loss plan) and here I am, still the fat stupid looser like always. And yes that'll make me stop hating myself so much too. 

NIGHTTIME HORRORS (AND THEIR ARTISTIC SIDES)

The past couple of nights I've been experiencing some messed up dreams, probably after having such a mad week full of deadlines. I've been having dreams like this since I was a kid, but as I grow up the dreams are getting creepier and realistic. It feels like I've been through hell's very own valley of death and darkness. But I do realize they are no longer bothering me, giving me insomnias and adrenaline rush when I wake up. In fact, I begin to notice that even the things that people fear, like darkness, have their own artistic side. Now I'm in the state where I'd wake up from a nightmare thinking "wow that's pretty fucked up... but hey that would make such a good horror movie scene, it would scare the shit out of people for good." But well, if you have phobias and/or paranoia, please do not continue reading this. 

I made some quick sketches of my nightmares last night, the creepiest ones I can remember:

The black eyed girl and the short haired one on top left were a doppelganger of myself. The short haired girl was a younger version of me and I saw her long time ago when I was in that particular age (7 years ago, so I was 12 at that time). I was stuck in my old house and everything  was as still as stone except for myself, so I went around to find out what's going on. That's when I saw a copy of myself standing from the other side of the window (she was outside of the house) giving me a cold stare. When I tried to approach her she took a knife and began stabbing herself on the neck. As for the black eyed girl, I saw her few days ago. She was my own reflection on a mirror, and I noticed there's something wrong with the reflection because my eyes appeared all black. I figured it was the light of the room that made them look that way, but I tilted my head to every direction and the eyes look all black, still. But hey, that girl has some thick and long eyelashes so I got that going for me at least.

Now I'm gonna write about the story behind that bloody guy hanging from the tree. Like I said, I might've went to the darkest valley in the underworld. It appears that I wasn't alone in that dream though, I went there with some people including a priest. He took us around for a "tour" and it was very clear that the place was full of rotten dead bodies. The ones I remember the most are that bloody guy and his twin brother... His body was melting slowly from the lava that heats up the tree and each drop of his melting body parts dropped onto his dead brother's body, laying underneath. After observing the twin brothers, we stopped by at a river nearby, there we found two other dead bodies,  a man and a younger girl who might've drowned into that river to death, but they still have all of their body parts with them and they haven't rot yet, unlike any other bodies we found in that place. The priest murmured some kind of spell and the two were brought back to life. Too bad I woke up without knowing the fate of these two. 

Pretty creepy, right? I know they are, they used to be a reason why I fear the darkness and why I find it hard to sleep. But one thing I know is that they are no longer scaring me, instead they give me inspirations to my artwork. I'm getting bored with drawing all the adorable and innocent ladies with fancy dresses (or b00bies) (don't get me wrong I just can't draw guys), or kind-looking animals. I'd like to try something new, something mature and freakish, and my dreams are giving me a hand for that. 

On the other hand, considering that dreams are a reflection of one's deepest thoughts, I think my dreams are trying to remind me of my mental issues that I need to take care of. 

Anyway, after all those dreams I was rewarded with an awesome scene from my dream last night. I had a cup of coffee with John Lennon and Paul McCartney last night, can you even believe it? And it wasn't so surprising that he asked me to "imagine living life peace", hehe. Sketch of it coming soon :)

To end today's post, I'm gonna put this right here. I figure it suits today's topic pretty well. 

COMMON PROBLEMS AMONG EMPATHS

My grandfather gave me abilities that most people consider psychic such as experiencing strange yet meaningful dreams, astral projecting, and energy healing. Other than these abilities is the ability to feel people (empathy). It's different than sympathy, as told by this simple yet informative video:

But sometimes it comes to an extreme level where the person's inner conflict and emotions influence mine. I remember one day in school where I got to sit with a group of girls and one of them had issues with quite everyone else (that time I was completely neutral because I didn't even know her and I don't want to be judgmental) so there were rumors about her spreading around. She looked happy and fine as she talked to her friends, but I knew that deep inside she was in turmoil because I felt her. I felt a sudden pain in my chest that came out of nowhere.

There is another event; I was in the car with one of my instructors and I've been told that his wife had passed away years ago, leaving him and their son behind. As he drove the car in silence, I felt his lost, loneliness, and his love to the deceased wife. I somehow knew that he doesn't want to marry again because he wanted to remain loyal, which is why I salute him. Yet at the same time I felt really bad for him and I could feel my heart ripping slowly during the silence.

This ability is one of few reasons why I can never stand the crowd, because there are so many feelings and thoughts in the atmosphere, and to feel all of them at once is just so overwhelming and exhausting. I used to panic whenever I found myself trapped in the crowd and I've burdened my friends due to this.

Yet I now have to face expectations and pressure from here and there especially after I moved out to the city, I can feel how my heart hardens with ego. I know that I can still feel, but perhaps I just don't care about what other's feel anymore because to the new, grown-up me, what matters the most is me and I spare only a little room for others. Sometimes my actions seem so heartless (like throwing mean jokes) people have to talk to me about it. This also affects my other abilities; I can no longer heal or astral project voluntarily.

So both situations, over-feel and feel-less (sorry for the made-up terms), are never healthy, I know that. I'm far from my balanced state both mentally and spiritually. It is never easy to maintain that balanced state because we just have to sometimes be in hard situations because such is life. I'm pretty sure all empaths experience the same problem at some point.

A balanced empath may feel others without letting the feelings affect himself. He has good control on himself while he knows how he can help the person. I do so wish I could train myself to do this because I feel responsible for inheriting my grandfather's golden abilities and so far I'm the only one in the family.

If you're an empath and facing the same situation (or even better; you've learned how to overcome this problem) feel free to share it in the comment section below. I'd love to hear your thoughts and to learn to develop with someone else.

Namaste

BACK TO THE PAST

http://www.urjashakti.com/past-life/

Few days ago I had an interesting conversation with an old friend about our past lives. We are believers of reincarnation and we both have seen ourselves as soldiers from WW2. I learned all about my past from my realistic nightmares and a past-life therapy session from my teacher and my psychic friend, he learned his from meditations and dreams also. I served the USA, he fought for Germany. We never met each other back then, but the whole WW2 thing pretty much connects us in the strangest way possible. In fact, I felt this way to every incarnated soldiers I met. 

Our conversation lead us to two questions: why do we forget? And why some of us have to remember again? Most of us, both believers and nonbelievers of reincarnation, have lost most of our memories about the past. What we care about is the present and the future, and after all, that's all that matters. So why do we have to see the past, why is it necessary for some us to remember?

I left a wife and a daughter, and it wasn't the kind of death brave soldiers should face. I surrendered, I let my enemy shot me in the head. The war was too much for me to handle because I was never born a fighter. I survived the first hour, thanks to a friend who carried me to the nearest red cross post. The nurse stitch my head but it was no use because I bled too much. Even now I have this stitch-like birthmark above my left eye, but my thick long bang covers the mark so it can only be seen if I tie my hair back. 

My friend on the other hand, was so passionate about the war, even before he remembered his past-life he knew almost all the details about WW2. He enjoyed sketching soldiers and riffles. You can say that he's a human encyclopedia for WW2. Unlike me, back then he was good at fighting and he enjoyed serving for his past country. Unfortunately, his passion had to stop when he got shot right in the chest. He died in instance, leaving a girlfriend behind. 

So we served different countries, we died in different way, the war was a traumatic event for my past self while his past self sees it as something exciting. I might had to forget because the memories were burdens to my past self and my spirit wanted to restart life all over again without having to physically remember this event. He might forgot because his passion took the lives of people including himself.

But in the end, as time goes by, we began to feel the urge to learn about the past and remember everything all over again. Why so?

Perhaps our spirits wanted to remind us that our unfortunate death shall not be repeated in the end of our current lives. We have been given the opportunity to experience life yet again, and we are now fortunate enough to have better fate and to be in a better world (well, maybe 'better place' suits better because the world is still full of wars anyway). Our experience shall be a lesson to both of us and everyone else in this world. We cannot change what is happening right now, we have little power to do so and the world has been like this since the beginning of mankind. What we can do is protect people around us, at least those we love, from doing the things our past selves have done. If we want to make the world a better place, we have to start from a small scale. 

THE DAY I DECIDED TO GIVE

illustration was taken from huffingtonpost.com

It was almost 12, and it feels unusual to see how empty the city was. After a quiet morning full of workout at the gym, I rushed to see a taxi so I can go to my father's office in the heart of the used-to-be crowded city. Luckily there was one standing by in front of the building, and much to my relief it was a 'low-cost' taxi (I've been trying to save more money to purchase this pair of Nike shoes I adore so much). The friendly and polite taxi driver agreed to take me to the office even if it's not so far from where I was. 

We were on our way when someone called the driver. "Wassalamualaikum," he said. Soon I heard the person from the other side replied in a fainted voice. I heard the conversation in silence from the back seat, guessing that the person calling this driver was his sister (since he kept calling her "mbak"). 

"I sold the television for only 250.000 rupiah. It was the best deal I got. I asked the company (of the taxi) to lend me 350.000, but they won't give me."

"Where can I get that much of money..." he started to sound sad and desperate. I could see him trying to hold back the tears from his reflection. "We need 600.000 rupiah quickly to get mother to the hospital. Her condition is getting worse..." 

I felt like my heart stops beating for a few second. I heard reports about vicious taxi drivers trying to 'trick' people into paying them more, but I'm an empath and I trust my heart more than anything. My guts told me that it wasn't a scenario, that it is happening and the taxi driver is facing probably the biggest crisis in his life. 

"Please don't cry, take a good care of our mother and I'll do my best to collect the money." He ended the call just before we arrived. 

I grabbed the money I've been carrying in my pocket. I have 40.000 rupiah in hand that I planned to save for this pair of Nike shoes... but I realized that this man needs that money more than I do and the shoes can wait, though I wish I could give him more. If I were a wealthy person I would give him 350.000 straight, but I'm just an ordinary college student. I only have enough to feed myself, and it was the best I could give that day. 

The trip only costs me 14.000, but I handed out all I have to the taxi driver, convincing him that I want him to keep the rest even though he was being honest about the cost and he didn't ask for extra charge or anything. He began to burst in tears while showing the most sincere gratitude I've ever seen, and I will not forget the look on his face. I only give him 36.000 if I exclude the cost for taxi, and with that amount of money I could spend it all within a day, but that look of gratitude on his face... I will never forget.

It's the month of Ramadan, the sacred event for my fellow muslim brothers and sisters, and I want him to be blessed. I want him to remember that the world is not always cold. I just hope he could get his mother to the hospital as soon as possible. 

This event also hits me right in the face for spending too much lately, not giving time to appreciate what I have. When I disrespect 10.000 rupiah, the money means something to someone else out there. And to earn 10.000 one needs effort, and with all the excuses I made I hardly even take effort these days. I already have an income though not as much to fulfill my financial needs, but I still depend on my parents, while people out there will do anything, any job even the dirtiest, to survive and take care of their loved ones. 

We never know what a person has been going through, so please be kind to everyone whether it's Ramadan/Christmas or not. When you give, you receive.

SLEEP PARALYSIS

"You're getting powerful. One day, you might be able to see yourself laying on the bed while your spirit goes somewhere."

Said the 'father' of this country's Indigo Society Ed Candra Kanic, few years back. It was our first and last meeting together, and he was the first to see the ability I did not even realize I have. It is the ability to (astral) travel. 

Sounds pretty cool, isn't it? While it does feel great to go everywhere you like, to the past or to the future, to the extraterrestrial worlds, the underworld, literally everywhere... Everything has its risks and consequences. And as you grow older the risks get bigger too. 

This week I experience what seems to be called 'sleep paralysis'. Sometimes I subconsciously astral project when I sleep, like I just do it naturally. Few days ago the experience felt more lucid, and I feel it when my spirit went back to my body. Somehow it couldn't connect itself with the body like it used to, and that's when I felt two girls coming into my room with their conversations. I tried moving my head to see them, but suddenly I felt muscleless, like the energy I use to move my body just come to waste. I couldn't even open my eyes, and with the strongest attempt I could finally open the left one; I saw the wall stickers of my room with it, but the rest of my body was still stagnant. If my phone didn't rang that day, I might not be able to finally wake up. This happen again earlier today when I took a nap... I know that my mom came into my room trying to wake me up. I heard her, but when I try to respond, I couldn't. 

"You must be very careful using your gifts. While it is beneficial, it can also put your spirit in great danger."

I tried to contact him for help, but he didn't respond anymore. On one hand, I do understand that he might been through that phase in which he wanted to let go off this indigo stuffs and be something we consider normal, because I've been there too (and probably still there considering how I live my life right now). But on the other hand, I realize that I'm all alone facing this problem. It's possible that one day I can't wake up from my sleep at all (remember Insidious? that's exactly how it works). I don't wish for it to happen, but there's a possibility. 

For fellow indigos out there who stumble upon this blog, would you please send me your protective energy for I am in need now... because I'm still not sure whether or not I can handle this in the future. I know I'm getting stronger, but apparently not strong enough yet to overcome this situation. May karma give you something good in return. In every good deed there will always be a wonderful gift. I wish you all the best in life. Namaste

LOVE SPRING

I believe most of us have been through what I called the 'loveless phase', in which one feels abandoned/forgotten, left behind. I meant to draw this wordless illustrations to celebrate the powerful energy of love. When we're in the lowest point of life, please remember that love is literally everywhere. We see it, we taste it with our tongue, we listen to its melodies, we feel it blowing our hair gently, shining through the trees or the surface of the sea. 

There are times where our heart lose its ability to feel that powerful vibration, indeed. But the heart is also a powerful tool, it can heal itself and as life goes on, it is able to feel and celebrate life again. 

<Namaste~>

BAYANGAN TAHUNAN

Kala itu rumah hanya dikenalnya sebagai bangunan kotak, saksi bisu
Kamar sebagai penyimpan lembaran rahasianya, tak lebih dari itu
Ingin ia mengubur halaman demi halaman, bersama dengan dirinya
Semua hanya ilusi, yang dapat dirasakan oleh kelima inderanya
Tetapi di balik semua itu, kosong.

Coba lihat dinding di sekitarnya
Aku menemukan serangkaian kata berbahasa aneh
Mungkin ia tidak ingin orang lain mengerti,
Atau ia tidak ingin dimengerti orang lain.

Dan di situ ia mengurungkan diri, merenung
Si gadis kini sudah tumbuh dewasa,
tapi bayangan itu menolak untuk tubuh besar bersamanya.
Seseorang, berikanlah ia sebatang lilin atau sebuah lentera!
Sebab tiap tahunnya, bayangan itu akan menyeruak dinding-dinding
Dan tiba pada pintu hati si gadis untuk mengiba,
meminta untuk diperhatikan kembali.

MUSIC SATURDAY - ALICE IN CHAINS

Hello and happy weekend, everybody! After a long week I decided to put aside all my assignments and just do whatever the hell I want. And since I'm getting into grunge and classic rock again, I scrolled over some youtube playlists, and stopped by at one of Alice in Chains' (AIC) old music video.

"You don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be."

Many might point out Nirvana when we're talking about grunge. I love both equally and I appreciate Pearl Jam and Soundgarden as well, but to me (the original, 90s version of) AIC is very emotional and deep. People said that their music is too gloomy, dark, and somber (so it's rather understandable that not everyone listens to AIC), but this is part of why I'm grateful for the existence of this band. 

Like I said before, when it comes to sadness, anger or fear, I'm not expressive and I tend to avoid heart-to-heart talk, but as a person I'm very empathetic. AIC's music allows my deeper emotions to come out of their shell. Whenever the depression lurks back, I play their songs as loud as possible. It helps really, to know that someone else out there understands what you've been through emotionally without having to speak a word. I can't describe how wonderful the lyrics and the tunes are. They don't cheer me up and they aren't meant to cheer anybody, but they help people realize that they have burdens, they have problems, and they are lonely, but that's okay, that's completely humane because everyone, no matter how okay they seem, is going through the same thing. RIP Layne Staley, and thank you so much for being such an inspiration. 

Below is a playlist of one of their hit albums, Jar of Flies (1994). The songs keep me sane and alive till today.  One of the fellow youtube commenter said that Jar of Flies is an amazing piece of art.

Couldn't agree more. 

OPINIONS, OPINIONS, OPINIONS

I feel like talking about my personal opinions on some of the most common yet deep topics in our society. I tried to write them several times in this blog but I was too afraid of any cynical judgements that may come out. But then I thought who the hell cares we're in the 21st century!

Well, here goes.

ON THE EXISTENCE OF GOD AND RELIGION

I'll go straight to the point, I do believe in God, Father, The Universe, The Absolute, whatever you call Him. I believe in the higher power that gives birth to all forms of life, even though existence of God cannot be proven. But some things need to remain as mystery; the universe is infinite and human intelligence are still limited to discover all sides of it. I don't need scientific reasons to believe in God, I believe God is within to guide me. 

But am I religious?

I don't think so.  

In my personal opinion, religions are ways to understand the concept of God and to understand oneself, as well as the meaning of life. Each individual is different, thus the different ways, but at the end they will lead people to the same destination; enlightenment. 

I'm open to all teachings and concepts so I don't dedicate myself to only one belief. I'm also open for atheists and agnostics for such discussion. 

ON GAY MARRIAGE

Gays are human beings as well, they all deserve affection and attention. And love is never limited to a man and a woman. It comes in all forms so if they fall in love with same-sex person, let them be. If you're against homosexuality in the name of religion, religious beliefs have taught us to love one and another unconditionally, so even if we disagree with them, our duty is to treat them equally because equality is what everyone deserves. 

And yet, why hate an act of love? Homosexuality shouldn't be illegal, violence should. 

ON SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

I'm moderately liberal so I'm fine with girls or guys that want to have sex before marriage, as long as they know the consequences and responsibilities. For me personally, sex should be sacred because it is an act of intimacy between you and your other half whom you might be living with in your lifetime. And sex isn't just about being naked in bed together, it's also about being spiritually and psychologically open to this person, sharing the joys and pains from one and another. 

Marriage, on the other hand, is a commitment held between you and your other half, a way to swear for your faithfulness and acceptance. For me it's wonderful to have sex with only someone you've sworn to love and to be with for the rest of your life. 

ON DIVORCE

I just said that marriage is a way to swear for your faithfulness and acceptance, but sometimes things don't go as planned. The sentence 'til death do us apart' involves both physical and spiritual death in the relationship. When there's no life that came from intimate love in this marriage, one should propose a divorce before the 'dead relationship' do any harm. 

Perhaps that's all for now. I'm open for friendly discussion and I'll be adding more opinions on critical topics later. Thank you for reading :)

IDEALISM VS REALITY

Long ago, after showing my dad some of my drawings, he told me I'm capable of becoming an architect, so I grew up believing that someday I'll be an architect. But in later years, after going through some experiences, that dream seemed to change into some other things I thought I can to do for a living. An engineer, a doctor, and then... a scientist. I made my final choice by applying to a research-based university, hoping that I can be one of the best scientists and that I can change the faith of my country, I can make money for myself, marry my other half, raise and educate my future children so they grow up to make positive changes in their environment at least. And I can buy a nice home for my parents as a gift of gratitude, even though it's never enough to pay everything they've sacrificed for me. 

But lately I've been asking myself a question: Am I living my own dream or someone else's?

Clearly those are what almost everyone in this world wants. Get some education, make money to live a better life, live a long life, etc. And I was raised to believe that those things are the only key to true happiness. But I've never asked myself what happiness is. I define happiness by thinking about others, what would they get if I can make enough money to support them. Sure, I'll be proud of myself if I can afford a luxurious life for my loving parents and my future family. And to do so I need to have a promising job, and there are few choices of promising jobs, most of them might not be enjoyable for someone like me. After undergoing some courses, I feel like this isn't really my thing. I begin to lose my interest in quite everything. 

Call my crazy, but this is what I really want:

I want to roam freely in nature, where peace lies. To make artworks and write some poems and stories in a small wooden cabin on the mountain, surrounded by the forest, near a fresh lake. No dependency on phones or how much money I have left, there's just me and the sound of nature, and starry sky at night.

Being distracted by the dreams that most define, I begin to abandon my true talents and gifts. I lose my ability to communicate with the loving spirits, to astral travel, to express myself through arts both sketched and written. I begin to forget who I truly am. Sure, it's their dream, have it their way, but mine is different. 

But being in this kind of world, it's hard to live that kind of life, huh? I might not be able to survive, I'm a homeless person without a home and money, I'm not a part of the society without wearing the latest trends. Safety can only be provided by technology and modern lifestyle. 

I never really care how long or short my life would be, I don't fear death. I just want to live my life to the fullest. 

SABDA ALAM

Rupanya, alam sudah lama mendengar rinduku

Untuk mendengarkan sabdanya dan memeluk kata demi kata

Demi menghibur pedih yang menyeruak tiap ruang dalam jiwa;

Ruang hampa dingin tak bertuan.

Selama ini, angin berusaha membisikkan suatu pesan

Yang diterjemahkan oleh caya angkasa siang pun malam

Tapi aku ini terlalu bodoh, arogan

Hatiku terletak hanya pada materi dan akal pada hedonisme

Aku lupa bahwa selama ini, harta abadi yang dicari umat manusia

Tidak berwujud, tidak bernominal dan tidak dapat dihancurkan waktu

Gusti, ajari aku agar kiranya aku dapat

Menemukan aksara yang merambat begitu dalam

Ke jantung bumi juga kulit-kulitnya

Agar aku dapat mengecap buahnya yang termanis

Dan kekallah jiwaku dalam kedamaian, juga buaian kasihMu