Since last year, things seem to crumble apart and quite frankly, I'm starting to lose it. Unfortunate things keep coming one by one. Just when I thought it's over, another one comes in and kick me hard in the teeth. One would say "just look at the bright side!" or "some people have it worse than you". Have you ever consider how you would feel if someone said this to your face during hard times? Imagine losing everything you have or someone dear to you, a friend shows up and said "some people have it worse than you." I know they might try to show some sympathy and cheer me up but this is not helping at all. As a matter of fact, it only makes things worse.
Sometimes you want something so bad and you work your ass to get it, but reality punches you. Hard. Last year had been especially hard for me personally. I lost my loved ones, I was betrayed, I went through several events that brought my old bad memories back, I fell ill and since then I will always be ill. But I made it through alive and I hoped that 2016 will be nice at me. So before 2016, I made a promise to myself that I will stay strong and at the very least, get fit again, and just before I turn 21 I will look fit and healthy because I'm freaking tired of looking like a dying person. But alas, reality kicks in and now I look like a whale with goggly eyes and that's way too far from looking fit and slim. So once again my dreams are being crushed into pieces. Yes, such is life. But we all have limits, am I right?
I can't help but ask to God (if he ever exists) what have I done to deserve all this? Yes I have hurt people in the past and drink alcohol before I reach the legal age (does that even count as a "sin"? I hardly get drunk) but I never steal nor commit a murder. Now I'm reaching a point where I hate myself so much I think I deserve all the hate in this world and suffer. I can feel my usual enthusiastic and optimistic spirit fading away and all I can hear now is my own voice calling myself names every minute. Heck, my birthday is coming up soon and I don't even feel like I deserve it. In my current circumstances nothing could lift my spirit, but time MIGHT heal.
This experience helps me understand what the classic "the worst enemy is yourself" saying truly means. It's true. People may hurt you but if you still have your spirit then there's no stopping you. The Buddha confirms this by saying "when there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you". But if your spirit crumbles apart then you're completely screwed. And when this happens, nothing else can help you, not even the excessive support from your loved ones. You can only help yourself by building your inner strength back. And it's not easy.
