SINGING IN THE RAIN

I stepped out from the bus. It was raining heavily and I left my umbrella at home, so I had to rush myself to the security post, which was only 10 m ahead of me. However, I still couldn't make it back home to my boarding house, so I had to stay in the security post for a while. I made a small talk with the kind and friendly securities, they talked about their villages, their families, and how I lost so much weight since the first time we met. Minutes passed by, and I noticed that the rain has calmed down but not so much. I figured it was the best time for me to rush into my boarding house, but as I stepped my feet outside the rain got heavy again (with thunderstorms as a bonus). There were plenty of moments where the rain calmed down, but some time later it turned itself into a terrible storm. And it did that whenever I decided to rush myself back home. 

I sat there wondering why I had to experience this kind of bad luck, but then I remember how much my younger self loves the heavy rain... Back in my hometown, we were told by our parents to carry an umbrella with us all the time, because it rains everyday in Tembagapura and the rain would make us ill. Yes, we did carry have an umbrella in our backpack, but we seldom even use it. When it rains, we let every drop of it touches our face. We got back home soaking wet, and took a nice warm bath right after and a cup of homemade hot chocolate. It was a very pleasant experience. And quite surprisingly, none of us got sick after all. 

I tucked my shoes in my bag and let the rain hit me. I felt a strange comfort whenever a drop of the rain hit my face or my clothes, whenever my bare feet touches the moist ground and the puddles. I enjoyed the cold weather and how quiet the neighborhood was since everyone was hiding inside their houses. Some passerby with an umbrella starred at me feeling sorry, little do they know I actually feel sorry for them because they did not enjoy the lovely rain.

Sometimes we have to stop being so protective to ourselves by putting away our shield (the umbrella) just to see what we define as 'bad' isn't always bad. The bad weather can be a wonderful thing, once you decided to see it from a different perspective. 

DRAMATIC CHANGES

I'm getting very comfortable with my current lifestyle now but at the same time I'm not making any progress for the better. I still can't support myself financially, I'm not losing any weight, I still have no significant achievement in college. Last month especially, had been pretty tough after I saw my grades and had a huge fight with my best friend. I felt retarded and awful, two of the worst feelings ever existed. I'm able to handle this kind of situation now, my best friend and I are talking to each other again, I'm doing my best to fix my grade and I'm not giving up on my workout. Still I think something is wrong, or not working.

The past few days I feel something strange inside myself. Few days ago when it all started I suffered from low blood pressure (still recovering now) and that's when I slept for 12 hours straight, which is unusual for me because I rarely overslept. I knew I need to wake up, but I could barely open my eyes and move my body, another sleep paralysis experience minus the scary-looking spirits. That moment gave me another meaningful dream I believe I needed to experience. 

The dream brought me to a fancy, high-class apartment and all of my family and high school friends were there, but they seemed to ignore me or they just didn't notice my existent. But a security guard seemed to notice my presence, and he accused me for stealing one of the apartment keys. I tried to avoid him and ended up lost in the hidden corner of the apartment where I found a small but luxurious library. The shelves and the floor were made of marbles and the collections looked old, yet the library was completely empty. I walked around and found another hidden corner inside the library; there was a desk with a Tibetan singing bowl on it, and there was a sign that said the library provides free aura healing service. I passed out for whatever reason I still don't understand, and a monk came in to carry me and talk to me. He asked me to stay focus and started asking me random questions like the name of my pets, things I like to do, my favorite colors, but there are noises around us like the sound of doors, wardrobes and drawers being held open and heavy books slammed onto the floor, and they are getting louder. He kept telling me to stay focus, but the noises were louder then ever and I couldn't hear a thing he said. The noises woke me up from that dream eventually, but this time I completely understand what it means without any assistant.

I've been too distracted and out of the root, I put away my responsibilities and I waste my talents to live the life I have now. Back then I did what I'm meant to do, but this turns me into an alien and I found it hard to fit in. I had very few friends back in school days and I don't blame them because I do realize I'm too strange to be around them. That's when I decided to throw away what defines me and blend in, and it worked. Now I have friends and I can say that I'm quite popular here, I had too much fun I didn't pay any attention to my intuition and conscience. They have been screaming and yelling at me but like I said, I've felt too comfortable with the lifestyle I have now. And here I am, failing in life and not making any significant progress, which explains why my energy field is getting weaker than ever.

I need to start making changes here and there soon and get away from my own comfort zone. I'm opening my ears to my conscience and paying attention to my intuition again, and they told me I need to figure out things all by myself, how can I make such a dramatic change so I can make at least a step further from where I am now. I used to have some help from my gifted teacher, who noticed my troubles and unused talents back in high school before I even said a word to him and I used to have plenty of help from my best friend, but after that fight and I lose contact with my teacher I realize that I'm on my own now. I believe they're making changes themselves, and I can't always rely on someone else to help me if I want to live life properly.

I figure going somewhere remote and reconnect with nature alone would make the best first step, I'll be able to clear my mind and gain my confidence and determination back. But I do realize I need to make it happen instead of waiting for it to happen. It's a crucial step because I can't do things right without confidence and I won't get the result I want without determination. Being alone would make me stop being so concerned about what others think of me; all this time I feel like they're looking down at me because I'm surrounded with friends and family who are making progress (be that academic achievements, career or weight-loss plan) and here I am, still the fat stupid looser like always. And yes that'll make me stop hating myself so much too.