SUATU HARI NANTI

Suatu hari nanti

Bila Tuhan menghembuskan nyawa

Kepada angan-angan kita

Bila Tuhan melukis di atas lembaran kisah

Sehingga andai tak perlu lagi
bersembunyi dalam bayang

Dan bila Tuhan melantunkan balada

Pada angin sepoi yang membumbung tinggi,

Membawa kata demi kata tak terucapkan 

yang ingin kuucapkan

Kelak nanti, bila Tuhan merestui

MY ENGLISH TEACHER

6 years ago, I was marked as a troublemaker and a rebel in school. I spent hours sketching on some blank papers, and for doing so my teachers felt like I wasn't paying attention to them. It was actually a form of silent protest from me because the way they educate us in there are boring and thus ineffective; lacking of creativity and a waste of time. Studying should be made fun, especially for elementary students.

But the situation was completely different when it comes with English class. You'd see smiles on everyone's face when class starts. There was no such thing as authority; my teacher never forced us to do anything and she gave us the freedom to be ourselves. You don't have to sit down all the time, you can simply walk around, lay down, have a snack, or even go to the corner and read a book from the shelf, if that's the most effective way for you to learn. She understands that each of us is different and unique, and none of us is dumb. We're all the same, but we have our own ways to learn comfortably. She was every student's mother in school. 

Aside from that, we were offered fun activity as often as possible, like English Bingo (using candies), cooking class (usually she'd invite her fun-loving Australian friend to teach us too), and a tour. Only in english class, we are allowed to be true kids. 

My teacher noticed what other teachers have been thinking about me, so she called me one day to do her a favor. She put a blank paper on her desk.

"Could you draw me something, please?" She asked. "Draw anything you like."

Of course I was happy and honored to do such favor! I drew the best drawing I could made that time and I added a bonus for her; a short story about an old and lonely grand piano in english. She became the happiest woman in school when I finished my artwork and typed my story.

"You are gifted," she said. "I'll show them how gifted you truly are!"

I was surprised. I didn't know that she wanted to show my work to other teachers who've been judging me.

And that's not it. On our english final exam tryouts to graduate elementary school, she came in to our class and comforted everyone. She carried my last tryout result (100 or A+) and said:

"I have faith in you. You are a brilliant girl and I know you can do it."

I am now a college student, and I haven't heard from her in years. But I will always honor her as a true teacher and I wish to meet her again one day so I can give her my other surprise; my success. 

SURGA DAN KEMATIAN (MENURUT SAYA DAN MEREKA)

Di sela-sela istirahat yang lumayan panjang, saya memutuskan untuk mampir ke ruangan seorang guru. Saat itu, siswa lain mencari Tuhan dengan cara mereka masing-masing; doa syafaat, shalat, bertapa. Saya pribadi yakin bahwa cara mereka adalah beberapa dari banyak jalan untuk bertemu Tuhan yang sama, dan saya punya cara sendiri; cara yang hanya bisa dimengerti oleh beberapa, termasuk guru saya.

Seakan sudah menyatu dengan raut wajahnya, beliau tersenyum begitu melihat kedatangan saya. Saya selalu disambut dengan pertanyaan yang terdengar sederhana, namun untuk menjawabnya butuh pemikiran yang dalam. Hari itu, pertanyaan beliau adalah: “surga itu seperti apa?”

Dengan mata yang terpejam, saya merasakan kehadiran gerbang emas paling besar yang pernah ada, yang membawa saya masuk ke kota terindah dengan segala ukiran emas, perak, dan batu permata berkilauan. Dedaunan hijau nan segar berjatuhan mengelus helaian rambut saya, beberapa hanyut dalam genangan danau yang disebut-sebut malaikat sebagai ‘cermin peri’ karena airnya yang begitu bening. Saya membayangkan surga sebagai kota peristirahatan yang tidak akan pernah bisa dilukiskan pelukis paling handal pun.

Beliau mengangguk seraya tertawa. “Yang saya bayangkan tidak seperti itu,” katanya, “tapi intinya sama.

“Keindahannya tidak bisa digambarkan dan dideskripsikan siapa pun, karena indah itu subjektif, tidak memiliki makna yang absolut. Yang kamu lihat adalah apa yang kamu ingin temukan kelak nanti di surga. Apa yang saya lihat adalah apa yang saya inginkan. Namun cara menemukannya sama saja bagi siapa pun tanpa terkecuali.”

Surga erat kaitannya dengan kematian, masa berakhirnya nafas mortal manusia di bumi. Oleh karena itu, saya balik bertanya: “kematian itu apa?”

Beliau menjawab dengan gayanya yang sederhana, “Antrian untuk mendapatkan kehidupan. Begitupun sebaliknya; hidup sendiri adalah antrian untuk memperoleh kematian.”

 Tanpa terasa, bel tanda masuk mengingatkan saya untuk segera bergegas ke kelas. Kami kembali ke tanggung jawab dan kewajiban kami masing-masing; saya sebagai siswi dan beliau sebagai guru. Layaknya orang lain, kami berbeda, namun kami juga mencari hal yang sama. Tujuan manusia untuk hidup, dan tujuan manusia untuk mati, pada hakikatnya sama, dan akan selalu demikian.

JOURNEY OF ZESTEV'S SPIRIT

Haven't astral project for long so I decided to do it again yesterday night. When my body relaxed and the night light in my room faded into complete darkness, I found my astral body standing on the beach and under the night sky, all alone. "No one, just you and the Universe," a voice of a lady said, as if she knew that I need guidance. "You may ask questions."

I told her that I'm tired of all the wars and greeds, and I wanted to live somewhere else but earth. 

I'm blessed with my safe and secure life, caring family and friends, and access to enough food, water and shelter, but I've been thinking about how unfair it is to see many people out there aren't as lucky. Many are surviving a war, poverty, and injustice. Everyone deserves to have what I have now. It's painful to learn about reality and I've been carrying these thoughts as my burden. You might don't understand what I'm talking about... but I'm simply tired of all these madness and angry that we just can't live together in peace without hatred, and share instead of creating laws and powers to make some people rich and others poor. 

An strange entity covered with light appeared right in front of me. I've never seen anything like her, but I can tell that she's full of kindness and empathy. 

"Among all the misery caused by greediness and misused powers, you are the hope of many. Without your participation, the suffering will continue."

But what can a nobody like me do? I'm nothing but a girl from a big country yet ironically forgotten by most, from a middle class and normal family, raised in normal society. 

"Everyone was nothing before they make a huge difference. You are more powerful than you ever realized.

Let your intuition guide you. You were given a sharp intuition for a reason."

FOLLOWING THE LIFE OF DAVID: HIS LOVE FOR SNOW WHITE

Everyone knows this classic Disney princess, and some know that she is the very first. When Snow White came to cinemas as the first ever full length color movie, David was, in fact, impressed and amused by every details of the animation since he himself wished to be a cartoonist or animator someday, tho that never happened sadly (but al least I still have his drawing skills). 

Snow White is David's first and last fictional crush. Illustrated books and vintage pictures might've inspired him in a way, but the beautiful animation and story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs inspired him in many ways. Without future technologies we have today, making full length color animation with realistic design of the protagonist must be very something to him. 

When I watched this movie some time ago, I couldn't help but feel this weird deja vu thing inside my head. Part of me tried to convince me that I've watched this long time ago. Not just years ago when I was still a young girl, but way before that. Thinking that it came out in the late 30s, I realized that David must've seen it himself. 

Despite the nightmares and bad memories from David when he was doing his job during the WW2, I'm grateful that he left me this memory. I'm also thankful for Disney. I don't know what David and I would do without him. :)

 

THE BIGGEST CRISIS IN OUR WORLD

The biggest crisis we're facing now is humanity. Wars everywhere, sacrificing the life of many, starving children, students bullying one and another, doctors abandoning their patients, governments and police forces working over money instead of justice. We all have egos, but deep inside we have a heart that is yearning to see all men living in peace and harmony. 

I can't possibly change the entire world, but I wish I could at least change the lives around me. I believe that there are others out there having the same vision, and if we work together, the future where happiness surrounds every single being, lies in front of us. Despite medias showing violence and injustice, I believe that there's still kindness. After all, when there's darkness, there's light. I want to live my life with kindness. And I want everyone to do so, too. 

Have faith, make it happen too :) 

Namaste~

FOLLOWING THE LIFE OF DAVID

I realized that my memories of being a WW2 soldier who committed suicide 71 years ago still bothers me. It is the clearest memory of my past life I've seen so far. I thought I've seen enough, and yet today, after seeing a video of war, the flashbacks came back again. I'm starting to wonder if there's something David hasn't told me. 

My biggest question is, however, if David had something in his mind when he was about to die, how can his spirit reincarnated as me? As far as I know, when a spirit is trapped in emotional pain, it will roam in this world until it can finally find peace. 

Or maybe David has found his peace, and he wants me to know what exactly bothers him, and how he finally found serenity in that dusty atmosphere and the sound of nonstop gunshots. 

I'm going to discover my past life even further and keep this blog updated with my journey. 

THE NORMAL INDIGO GIRL

Maybe some of you have know that I've been labelled as an indigo... or spiritually gifted child. It used to be part of my pride until I learned a hard lesson eventually and decided not to be so obvious about it, trying to live my life as a normal girl. But I've been so used to it I forgot all about what I can do with my abilities. So in the end I feel like I've forgotten who I truly am.

The hard lesson I'm talking about is that the world is a place for everyone, including indigos, but obstacles are meant to be here and sometimes they make it seems like you have to be someone you not to be able to survive. I realized that knowledge of spirits is not something everyone can accept, at least in this era, but when one is ready to learn, one is close to see how wonderful the mystery of life is. Indigos can access the knowledge of spirits because it is their gift, and everyone is able to learn too, thus indigos can be their guide. Through my journey of this current life, I've met people who are cynical about my abilities, one of few reasons why I decided to 'hide' my true self in a completely normal girl personality. But some are grateful to have been guided by me. 

Lately in my nights I've been thinking about this. I enjoy being normal girl who is struggling in college , complaining about being broke, and enjoying some fun with my friends both old and new, but at the same time, I miss being my true self. I miss using my ability to astral project and experience the realms that cannot be seen with physical eyes, sensing emotional pain in others and trying my best to heal it, and communicate with the spirits. 

But then I realized that being indigo doesn't make me less or more than normal. I'm still human in any ways. 

Maybe being normal and indigo at the same time is the only way to become my true self. Let the society decide whether to accept me as one of them or not, but I want to just be myself because that's one of the ways to value the experience of living. 

I believe that everyone is normal AND gifted. Some are good at science, some at music, some at socializing. I'm a normal girl with spiritual talents. 

Namaste.

"EVERYONE'S BEAUTIFUL IN THEIR OWN WAY."

Sounds like a lame title, huh? 

But anyway, I think we all have to agree that it IS true. There's always a beautiful side on everyone that one can be proud of. 

I learned about this after losing my confidence  due to my body figure. Although I've loose some significant amount of weight over the past few years I'm still overweight and I always feel jealous of girls with perfect body figure. I especially feel bad when I look at this beautiful cloth or dress and wear one, but it doesn't even look good on me. Been thinking that maybe that is the reason why I seldom even care about fashion because most of them don't suit me well. 

But then I stopped and said to myself, "why hate my body when it is the only thing I can use to live life?"

So I looked at the mirror and observe. My eyes were the first thing I looked at because even though they are slightly squinty, they have visible lids and long lashes everyone has been complimenting about. I especially LOVE my eye colors. The brown color is visible and yes, I've been receiving compliments about it too, some people even thought that I was wearing contact lenses :)

And for my second favorite facial feature: eyebrows! They are naturally thick and shaped and they look perfect on my face. Not to mention they are also my farewell party makeup artist's favorite, haha.

The third one will be my natural blush. They're probably there because I spent most of my lifetime in highland. I hope they'd stay there permanently :)

Also, my skin color is the one Indonesian girls have been dreaming to have (despite some rough red spots on the back of arms due to my skin condition but it's nothing serious). Asian white and not pale, just the right color tone. Still, there are some benefits of having tan skin and for this reason I want girls out there to feel confident of their skin. No need to inject anything to make your skin look whiter and hurt yourself in the end, you might as well travel to the west and learn why you should be grateful ;)

And last but not least, my height. 

I'm considered tall here compared to average asian girls' heights (thanks to my dad's genetic). At some days I wish I could grow taller but oh well, I'm already grateful for being this tall. 

So, if you ever lose your confidence, stop thinking about what kind of body you wanted to be and start observing yourself. Maybe there's something about you that your favorite models have been wishing to have ;)

WOMEN ARE NOTHING BUT SEX OBJECT?

Seeing and listening to a music video that involves nude women, I learn that it was actually made to degrade females. For some people they were just expressing fun and ‘playful’ atmosphere of the song. On the other hand, I see it as nothing more but sexual harassment. This is proved by the singer’s statement that "What a pleasure it is to degrade a woman". (It makes me wonder what his mother and grandmother would say.)

This video, however, is just a small case compared to what is happening to our sisters in some regions of the Middle East and everywhere else. Their rights to speak up are taken, and they have to obey traditions that would bring their fate to nonstop abuses from a very young age.

I always hate the idea that women are nothing but sex objects. I also grew up embracing some memories related to this. I get to see people treating women as if they are a disgrace to these people’s lives. We can all see that this idea is spreading all over the society. Everyday there are rapes and sexual harassments, literally everywhere.

Seeing from realistic perspective, I have very little power to prevent more sexual assaults. But I know there’s always a way. After learning this the hard way, my dream become a successful female scientist grows stronger than ever.

What does becoming a successful female scientist has anything to do with preventing sexual assaults? By being a successful scientist, I can show the world that women are more than just sex objects. Their forces are essential to balance our life in society, and they also have the power to make a difference. They can contribute in building welfare and bringing justice to all human beings. 

And when they follow their true dreams, The Universe dances with them in grace.

SAJAK UNTUK SEORANG SAHABAT LAMA

Aksara menjadi wakil dari coretan di cakrawala hampa perantara jarak kita. Dengan linangan air mata dan tawa, kububuh rangkaian warna pada tiap goresan yang menyiratkan kisah demi kisah. Ini, kupersembahkan kenangan kita pada tiap helai kuasku. Aku tak mau berjumpa dengan lupa. 

CALON PEMIMPIN BANGSA DAN PELINDUNG BANGSA

Hai, blogku yang tercinta! Lama tak bersua, karena memang minggu lalu kami disibukan dengan kegiatan-kegiatan kampus yaitu Ospek. Sebenarnya ada beberapa kisah menarik yang saya petik dari pengalaman sekali seumur hidup ini... Tapi untuk sekarang, mungkin kisah yang ini dulu yang saya prioritaskan. Mengapa? Karena pengalaman itu telah membuka wawasan saya yang ternyata... masih dangkal. 

Berhubung kami adalah angkatan pertama, rektor universitas kami mengundang marinir untuk membina kami selama Ospek. Walaupun para admin telah meyakinkan kami berkali-kali bahwa tidak akan ada kekerasan fisik selama Ospek, sebenarnya saya tetap merasa khawatir. Saya punya kenangan yang tidak menyenangkan tentang TNI, dan secara tidak langsung, kenangan ini membuat saya membangun prasangka buruk terhadap mereka. 

Singkat cerita, kompi kami kebagian marinir yang galak. Selama kegiatan Ospek, kami disengat oleh sinar matahari yang tak kenal ampun, disuruh tiarap di atas aspal yang masih becek karena hujan malam, kami harus menerima bentakan demi bentakan dan sindiran demi sindiran, dan kami harus mematuhi berbagai peraturan dan 'ritual', seberapa anehnya peraturan itu. Hari demi hari rasa kurang suka saya terhadap mereka makin menguat, apalagi ketika saya dibentak oleh seorang pelatih secara pribadi, dua hari berturut-turut. Puncak rasa tidak suka saya muncul pada saat kompi kami harus tiarap di depan kompi-kompi lain karena alasan yang tidak saya ketahui, dengan baju formal. Karena saya memiliki pride yang tinggi, saya tidak pernah suka dipermalukan di depan orang lain.  

Tibalah hari kelima, kuliah perdana. Dengan rasa kantuk yang sangat amat dan suasana pagi buta yang masih gelap, kami pun berangkat. Saat tiba pun baru secercah cahaya matahari yang muncul. Kami berbaris di lapangan sambil menunggu izin untuk masuk ke gedung. Karena masih lama, kami diperbolehkan untuk bersantai-santai dan seorang marinir yang juga seorang pelatih dari pleton kami menyempatkan diri untuk turut berbincang-bincang. Hati saya yang sempat mengeras akhirnya melunak sedikit demi sedikit, dan atas rasa bosan akibat terlalu lama menunggu, saya membangun keberanian untuk menanyakan beberapa hal sepele kepada pelatih. 

Ini dia puncak dari pengalaman saya bersama para marinir. Saat pulang, ternyata pelatih tadilah yang ikut pulang bersama bus milik pleton kami. Beliau bercerita bahwa dirinya harus berangkat tengah malam menuju kampus kami dari Cilandak. Saat pulang pun beliau bersama rekan-rekannya harus berhadapan dengan macet yang tipikal, sehingga mereka akan tiba tengah malam. Ternyata rasa lelah kami tak sebanding!

Lalu, ketika salah seorang dari kami bertanya kepada beliau mengenai pilihannya untuk menjadi marinir (meskipun dibayar dengan upah yang menurut kami tak sebanding), beliau menjawab dengan sederhana:

"Kalau semua orang berpikiran seperti kamu, siapa yang melindungi negara?"

Dari situlah saya sadar bahwa tidak semua TNI itu bersikap seenaknya. Saya membuka diri dan menceritakan kenangan saya tentang TNI yang kurang menyenangkan, di daerah yang saya rasa tak perlu saya sebutkan, seraya mengajukan harapan bahwa suatu saat nanti Pelatih bisa memperbaiki sikap mereka terhadap masyarakat. Beliau tersenyum, dan berkata:

"Saya harus bertugas di daerah lain. Mungkin suatu saat nanti, sebagai pemimpin bangsa, kamu yang bisa membina mereka."

Di tengah perjalanan, beliau menyampaikan pesan dan nasihatnya kepada kami, calon pemimpin bangsa, dan di antara nasihat-nasihat itu, saya merasa tergugah oleh pesan beliau yang satu ini:

"Saat ini kalian yang patuh dan hormat kepada saya, pelatih kalian. Tapi suatu saat nanti, sayalah yang patuh dan hormat kepada kalian."

Siap, Pelatih!

ANOTHER GEMINI POST

Hi!

I just found out that all of these awesome people are Geminians like myself.

1. Morgan Freeman

2. Clint Eastwood

3. Marilyn Monroe

4. Judy Garland

5. Soekarno

6. John F. Kennedy

7. Sherina Munaf

8. Johnny Depp

9. Tupac Shakur

10. Paul McCartney

11. Neil Patrick Harris

12. Angelina Jolie 

13. Natalie Portman

Now that I know, I feel awesome as well.

And someday I'll be as awesome as them.

But like what my friend said, today is not that day!

*goes back to sleep*

NGAMPUS

Hai. Hari ini juga gue udah mulai menetap di kost. Yap, sekarang gue sudah resmi menjadi anak kuliahan. 

Sebenernya kuliah belom mulai, gue baru menjalankan program matrikulasi matematika karena gue tidak pintar dalam bidang matematika sementara mapel ini bakal jadi santapan gue sehari-hari. Program ini berlangsung selama 2 minggu lebih, dan karena bokap nyokap banyak kerjaan dan ga bisa nganterin terus setiap hari, dan gue capek bangun pagi2 buta biar ga kena macet di jalan, terpaksa gue harus mencari tempat kost. Kami mengunjungi tiap tempat yang ada di kota ini, sampe akhirnya ketemulah kamar kost yang paling tempat. Lokasinya deket, jalan 20 menit nyampe deh di kampus. Walopun gue kurang suka sama ibu kostnya, yang penting fasilitas lengkap dan lokasinya pas. Lucunya, gue satu tempat kostan sama temen SMA karena kita satu kampus, dan dulu sepanjang masa SMA gue selalu sekelas sama dia. Di sini kamarnya lebih luas karena emang lebih mahalan dikit, tapi bawaannya cuma satu koper isi baju dan beberapa sepatu. Sementara itu, kamar gue lebih kecil, tapi gue bawa 3 kotak barang plus beberapa kantong stok makanan kayak orang imigran *lebay*. Ya pokoknya begitulah. 

Nah, sekarang ngomongin tentang suasana kuliahnya. Gue punya beberapa temen dari SMA yang masuk di kampus yang sama dan sama-sama kena program matrikulasi. Dua di antaranya satu kelas sama gue. Jadi deh pas hari pertama kita nempel di barisan depan sepanjang kelas. Nah, pas hari pertama gue sempet heran karena suasana kelas rame banget, diramaikan oleh beberapa manusia. Gue kira mereka satu sekolah karena rame sendiri, tapi waktu itu gue belom kenalan sama mereka jadi gue ga tau mereka ini sebenernya dari mana aja. Sampe pada hari ke dua, barulah gue mulai berniat untuk kenalan. Ternyata anak-anak di kelas gue ramah banget, welcome kepada siapa pun, murah senyum dan tidak sombong. Dan ternyata, geng anak2 yang bikin kelas jadi rame ini gak satu sekolah! Jadi mereka baru kenal satu sama lain pada saat itu juga. Salut! Gue yang biasanya jaim dan menutup diri sama orang-orang baru pun jadi berusaha untuk lebih membuka diri di masa kuliah ini dan menerima siapa pun sebagai teman. Gotta love my class!

Kelas matematika berlangsung selama 4 jam tiap harinya, termasuk Sabtu. BAYANGKAN!! Dicekokin 2-3 bab tiap harinya, di kasih soal-soal, pantat berasa panas karena kelamaan duduk, dan tentunya ada test di tiap akhir minggu! Untungnya kelas gue kebagian dosen yang baik dan pengertian. Beliau baru pindah dari Jepang tahun lalu, dan karena beliau lama di sana, bahasa Indonesianya dalam ajar-mengajar masih sedikit terbata-bata. 

Oh iya, kayaknya ini bakal menjadi theme songs gue untuk beberapa waktu ke depan:

STRUGGLING.

I finally have something to say here but I was afraid if it sounds too somber. Oh well, my blog anyway. 

The hardest thing about being strong and looking all fine is, everyone thinks you can deal with everything without any problems. Besides, a shell is strong on the outside, but it is hiding the soft and vulnerable part. 

Does it matter if people know what you're going through? I think sometimes it does. After all, we are social beings, aren't we? We were meant to live together in the first place. We can't survive by ourselves. 

Even the wisest and strongest man needs help from the people to share his wisdoms. Without these people, how can he be wise, and why should he be wise? 

My point is, everyone, no matter how  strong they are, needs help.

I myself need help, and I found hope among the people. 

THE USE OF ARTS

One reason why I haven't write anything for the past few weeks in here is because I suck at writing now, as you can see. While I have so many things going on inside of my head and I found no way of expressing it directly and verbally, I seemed to lose my poetic sense and drawing skill too, until I bought a new drawing pen (don't worry I'm not going to lead you to a drawing pen ad) and told myself to sketch or write anything on my sketchbook intuitively. 

Though I am not the best artist, I'm always grateful for my skills. Now I know why God has given me the natural ability to draw and also, strong intuition. 

This might not be a perfect sketch, after all I am still an amateur, but I'm very happy with it. Sorry if it creeps you out :P

I'll get back to writing as soon as I get my skill and will back. I'm thinking about combining my story/poem with personal illustrations, though I already made one for summer holiday project. It was really fun, requires a lot of patience, too. 

Cheers!

WEIGHT LOSS RAGE

As you all know, I'm trying to loose weight.

And I've been fighting for more than a month without any satisfying result. 

It's very frustrating, indeed, and I looked back to see what's wrong. I've been working out with sweat all over my body and I've done it almost everyday. I tried to cut down any fattening foods and carbohydrates, I've followed all weight loss tips I could find on the media. And still no results.

I'm haunted with the thought that I may not be able to change myself, and I will have to live like this for the rest of my life. I know this may sound exaggerating, but I'm so tired of being called 'Ibu' (ma'am) whenever I went to public places due to my body figure that is obviously bigger than average Asian girls' body. When I was still an elementary school student, someone even thought I'm a maid from 'kampung'. I thought to myself, "do I look THAT ugly?" This may sound funny, but honestly, it hurts. 

This thought has been haunting me for the past few years, the thought that I'm ugly and I deserve the disgusted look on people's face. I looked at other girls my age, and feel kinda mad whenever one of them thinks she is fat while the truth is she is NOT, but I obviously am. They have no idea how hard it is to live like this for years. Nobody's attracted to you and most of the time you're being treated as a nobody. And yet we cannot lie to ourselves; most of the time, some of us appreciate beauty more than anything. So it's not their fault, really, the problem is me. 

I was actually a pretty little girl with perfect and healthy body figure until I grew up. Due to emotional problems and stuffs, I got obese since I was 10. Food was the only thing that makes me feel better during those hard times. And I have no idea how it's going to affect me in the future. I wouldn't do that if I know how it's going to end up. No one could help me either because I am not expressive and I always keep things to myself, so yeah I got nothing but food. 

I was very ill when I was 14 due to non-stop period for 3 months straight and I bled too much, I ended up having anemia (and still haven't fully recovered). The doctor said the cause was obesity and I needed to make some weight loss plans. It worked at first, I loose 15 kg and I feel much better and healthier. 

But people won't stop calling me 'Ibu', and I know I'm still fat. I can't wear fashionable clothes that are popular among girls confidently because they don't look good on me. I know 15 kg is not enough, but I don't want to be anorexic either. I was so frustrated I went back to food again, and yes, I gain some weight. 

I realized that the only thing that's blocking my way to a healthier lifestyle is emotion. I may look carefree from the outside, but there are so many things inside of me. I'm angry and frustrated for having this physical body, and I hate myself for that. Whenever I look at the mirror I told my physical self how ugly and trashy I look, and asked myself why can't I look pretty like anyone else. I need to have my confidence back, and the only thing that can make me feel confident is having a perfect figure. 

During my weight loss program, I push myself with these feelings. I never really look at the health benefits I get from my weight loss routine. All I want is to be socially accepted, and I always think that being pretty is the only way. 

Well, I'm sorry if I sound so sober right now and I'm sorry if you feel bad when you read this, but really, I need to be more expressive because it's okay to talk sometimes, and for now I can only be expressive through written words.

Thank you for reading this (if you do). And I hope I can change my perspective and be successful on my weight loss program. I need to love myself again and accept myself for being what I am.

ZESTEVILLE!

Hello! 

So as you all know, I'm having a super duper long holiday after graduation and now I have nothing much to do, so I decided to do something productive like having fun with my imagination and create something new.

And here it is! A diorama of my personal dream town, Zesteville!

I was supposed to put mini toy cars on the road but I'm quite broke right now and I don't want to waste my money on something unnecessary, so I replaced them with my old toys and made a giant toy parade instead :)

And as you can see, colors and fun are in every corner of the town!

Allow me to take you to a tour.

This is the park everyone would enjoy. 2 lovely blue lake (one is deep enough for those who have boats), some large huggable trees, and a giant picnic rock. Why put a large rock, you ask? Well, the mayor used to spend her wonderful childhood on a giant rock, having a simple yet memorable picnic with friends or play hide-and-seek. She wanted the citizen to enjoy those unforgettable moments, too! Oh, and since the mayor loves astronomy, she decided to build an observatory, too. It's open for everyone on weekends. That should be a perfect place for people of all ages!

Ah yes, what's a town without an entertainment centre? An old-fashioned library for bookworms (and it has an old-fashioned cafe inside!) and a mall right beside it. There you'll find all sources of entertainment! Shopping centre, market, restaurant/cafe, bookstore, salon/spa, not to mention cinema! Best of all, the mall itself is a huge rubik's cube! Can you solve this one? ;)

Oh, and if you're craving for some ice cream in this hot sunny day, do visit the ice cream truck!

This is the neighborhood, where you can find all kinds of houses/apartments you like! There's the sandcastle townhouse for those who love tropical atmosphere, tree apartment (suitable for kids next door fans, hehehe), lego apartment (kids would love to live there!) and a gingerbread house! Don't worry, there's no cannibal grandma inside and the house is all safe. Just keep it away from the ants!

A way to make your kids enjoy school? Make it as fun as possible! The school principal decided to turn a huge double decker bus into classrooms! And don't worry, recess is still enjoyable with a playground on top of the bus! Ready for a (educational) ride?

Suffering from a stomachache or fever? Don't worry, this hospital is always ready to help you! Hospitality is everything in here, so don't worry about having to see grumpy doctors/nurses. And if you have to stay, you won't feel lonely, because the hospital itself is actually a large aquarium, so you actually have some lovely little friends around you :)

The sport centre is a home for sport maniacs and those who are trying to loose weight! We understand that everyone is different, so we offer many facilities for everyone to enjoy! Soccer field, swimming pool, the gym, and much more!

That's not all, here are some interesting facts you might want to know about this town:

1. Nobody hates monday in this town! Why? Because monday is a free ice cream day! Prepare a joke/performance for the ice cream guy and if he likes it, he'll hand you a scoop of free ice cream that'll make your day. If you're allergic to lactose,  might as well ask for a free cupcake instead.

2. There's a strange rule in this town; you have to put a smiley on your front door, which is why you see smiling doors everywhere. Why's that? Well, a sincere smile is the finest medicine and it would make everyone happy!

3. You can suggest an idea for the annual Zesteville parade (like the giant toys parade)! But please be as creative as possible. The mayor appreciates creativity! 

So, who wants to stay? :)