2012'S SELF-DISCOVERY

I felt a sudden melancholy and apathetic for no particular reason and yeah, it does happen to everyone. But I never believe in coincidence, there has to be a reason. 

I asked my guardian Aaron for help and I got a direct answer from him. He said that I unconsciously pushing myself too hard to gain perfection. I am not satisfied for everything I have in life. My abilities, my physical plane, my treasuries, everything. This may be the effect of being an observant. When I see people, I am jealous of them. Despite the fact that they do have problems, they have chances, they have everything they need to have opportunities, everyone supports them. They can have everything they want. I have abilities, I beg for chances, but I never have one. And I don't have that much of capitals to start either. When I want something I have to wait so long for it, but most of the time I can never have it. 

When I look at my physical self, I realize that I'm putting too many trash on myself. I want to change, but me and my family put so many pressure on me that I keep on failing. I feel like a failure, left behind. 

I unconsciously bumped these thoughts at the same time. I know I worry too much but it's just unbearable. For some essential reason I'm afraid of failing. 

As a guardian, Aaron told me that a good start ends in a good way. There are steps; one cannot skip without practicing the very first step. Recognizing oneself is the basic of all ways. When one recognize something very well one also learns to love it. 

I have to be reminded that I cannot work to the fullest if I don't even love my physical self nor my true self; which is everything I cover behind my three dimensional appearance. This body is meant to express love, the highest energy of all, the key to all success. And for that I am responsible to take care of it by loving it, and when I love it I will be healthy like never before. 

When I love my physical and my spirit self it will be much, much easier to love everyone. When you love everyone you make things easier either; it's like giving a heat to a pan of water so that we can boil things we have to consume. 

Aaron told me a mantra that really works, and I'm about to share it here. 

I am love, I am meant to posses love through my spirit, I am meant to express love through my physical appearance. Everyone is also the physical expression of love, and because I know it myself I will be a reminder for everyone. I will unlock every impossibilities with love, because everything works with love, because the universe was born from love. 

I am meant to love. It was the most loveliest word I've ever heard. 

Sorry for my english by the way. Namaste to you all!

SUNDAY'S MIRROR

I know her, the girl on the mirror. She was so young. Still adolescent for now, still strange in any way, still full of questions. She is an observant, a thinker, a seeker... And in the world she lives in, she is nothing but a growing girl. A part of a family. One of her friends' friend. A stranger for a stranger. A student with no academical award. An artist from the forest and mountains. A person who's wondering what will she become in the next 10 years. 

But one thing for sure, she knows who, or what she is. Despite the normal reality she lives in, she knows her role in the world. She does not believe in coincidence, and she believes that she is here as a warrior of her own life, fighting for her freedom, battling against hatred and fear. Despite being hidden, for now... She knows that someday she will take a major part. She has to be aware. She had to prepare herself. She had to embrace the stage that will support her play. 

http://deadlydoll.deviantart.com/

HEART-SHAPED PAPERS IN EASTER DAY

No matter how cool and confident I look I always have the fear to go out to a new society. Due to a bad experience years ago, I always have this fear of being rejected and unaccepted. This is why to some people, I look so quiet and serious while I am actually not. I've been struggling for years and today I decided to do something about it.

Today is Easter day (Oh by the way, happy Easter guys! :D) and I went to an International Church with my big fams to celebrate. I am an official member of this church and yet I realize not everyone recognize me because I rarely greet everyone and talk with them. I would just hang with my cousin until my aunt decided to go home or so. 

Anyways this is what I did; before I go I took some origami, cut them into heart-shaped tiny papers, and write a message on each of them. 

After the Worshiping session people in the church had some snacks and chit chat. I looked around, observing the people... and after taking a lot of guts inside I gave the papers into some of these people and I actually got positive feedbacks from them!

So what was the message? Simple, it was 'you are loved'. First of all, since today is a special day for these people I wanted to make it more special. Secondly, it's been a full-of-pressure year for everyone and I wanted to remind them that they are precious whilst trying to give the same note to myself. Third, a good start ends with a good end. To deal with this 'fear' I have to make a good start and keep a positive mind. This method is very simple yet challenging for me, but overall my action went well and I could even start a very nice conversation with some of these people. 

Well when I did that there's still some fear inside of me so I didn't have the gut to give these papers to everyone. But I do think that this is a wonderful progress, tho. The beginning of my own freedom. 

Namaste!

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY :)

1. Clear Starry Sky

2. Orange Twilight

3. The Forest and Mountains

4. The Crystal Clear Ocean

5. The Smell of Waterfalls

6. Falling Leaves

7. Anything Related with Astronomy

8. Color Papers

9. Lots and LOTS of Crayons, Markers, Color Pencils, Paints

10. Other People's Art

11. Daydreaming in My School Car

12. A Sing-Along

13. The Smell of Fresh-From-the-Laundry Clothes

14. Deep Conversations With Friends

15. Long Conversations With Strangers

16. Writing a Letter for My Foreign Friends

17. Action Figures and Comics

18. Stuffed Animals

19. Kiss on the Cheek from the Dogs

20. Family Gathering, Especially with Cousins!

21. Gemstones! (Please gimme some for my birthday :"D)

22. Architecture or Design Books

23. Nostalgic Conversations with Old Friends

24. The Smell of Old Books

25. Getting All Dirty With Paints and Markers

26. Iko Uwais :* (Y U NO agree that he's cute??)

27. Wearing my Favorite Boots

28. A "Namaste" Greeting From Someone

And that's not all. But these are the ones I can think of for now :))

RENUNGAN SANG GADIS

Daripada melampiaskan amarah kepada mereka yang tak tahu apa-apa dan mereka yang sedang berhagia, lebih baik menuangkannya ke dalam rangkaian kalimat dan tafsiran. Lebih baik berkreasi, daripada mencari mangsa. Lebih baik membuahkan suatu karya, daripada menambah sampah. 

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Namun ruangnya begitu terik

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