WEIGHT LOSS RAGE

As you all know, I'm trying to loose weight.

And I've been fighting for more than a month without any satisfying result. 

It's very frustrating, indeed, and I looked back to see what's wrong. I've been working out with sweat all over my body and I've done it almost everyday. I tried to cut down any fattening foods and carbohydrates, I've followed all weight loss tips I could find on the media. And still no results.

I'm haunted with the thought that I may not be able to change myself, and I will have to live like this for the rest of my life. I know this may sound exaggerating, but I'm so tired of being called 'Ibu' (ma'am) whenever I went to public places due to my body figure that is obviously bigger than average Asian girls' body. When I was still an elementary school student, someone even thought I'm a maid from 'kampung'. I thought to myself, "do I look THAT ugly?" This may sound funny, but honestly, it hurts. 

This thought has been haunting me for the past few years, the thought that I'm ugly and I deserve the disgusted look on people's face. I looked at other girls my age, and feel kinda mad whenever one of them thinks she is fat while the truth is she is NOT, but I obviously am. They have no idea how hard it is to live like this for years. Nobody's attracted to you and most of the time you're being treated as a nobody. And yet we cannot lie to ourselves; most of the time, some of us appreciate beauty more than anything. So it's not their fault, really, the problem is me. 

I was actually a pretty little girl with perfect and healthy body figure until I grew up. Due to emotional problems and stuffs, I got obese since I was 10. Food was the only thing that makes me feel better during those hard times. And I have no idea how it's going to affect me in the future. I wouldn't do that if I know how it's going to end up. No one could help me either because I am not expressive and I always keep things to myself, so yeah I got nothing but food. 

I was very ill when I was 14 due to non-stop period for 3 months straight and I bled too much, I ended up having anemia (and still haven't fully recovered). The doctor said the cause was obesity and I needed to make some weight loss plans. It worked at first, I loose 15 kg and I feel much better and healthier. 

But people won't stop calling me 'Ibu', and I know I'm still fat. I can't wear fashionable clothes that are popular among girls confidently because they don't look good on me. I know 15 kg is not enough, but I don't want to be anorexic either. I was so frustrated I went back to food again, and yes, I gain some weight. 

I realized that the only thing that's blocking my way to a healthier lifestyle is emotion. I may look carefree from the outside, but there are so many things inside of me. I'm angry and frustrated for having this physical body, and I hate myself for that. Whenever I look at the mirror I told my physical self how ugly and trashy I look, and asked myself why can't I look pretty like anyone else. I need to have my confidence back, and the only thing that can make me feel confident is having a perfect figure. 

During my weight loss program, I push myself with these feelings. I never really look at the health benefits I get from my weight loss routine. All I want is to be socially accepted, and I always think that being pretty is the only way. 

Well, I'm sorry if I sound so sober right now and I'm sorry if you feel bad when you read this, but really, I need to be more expressive because it's okay to talk sometimes, and for now I can only be expressive through written words.

Thank you for reading this (if you do). And I hope I can change my perspective and be successful on my weight loss program. I need to love myself again and accept myself for being what I am.