SLEEP PARALYSIS

"You're getting powerful. One day, you might be able to see yourself laying on the bed while your spirit goes somewhere."

Said the 'father' of this country's Indigo Society Ed Candra Kanic, few years back. It was our first and last meeting together, and he was the first to see the ability I did not even realize I have. It is the ability to (astral) travel. 

Sounds pretty cool, isn't it? While it does feel great to go everywhere you like, to the past or to the future, to the extraterrestrial worlds, the underworld, literally everywhere... Everything has its risks and consequences. And as you grow older the risks get bigger too. 

This week I experience what seems to be called 'sleep paralysis'. Sometimes I subconsciously astral project when I sleep, like I just do it naturally. Few days ago the experience felt more lucid, and I feel it when my spirit went back to my body. Somehow it couldn't connect itself with the body like it used to, and that's when I felt two girls coming into my room with their conversations. I tried moving my head to see them, but suddenly I felt muscleless, like the energy I use to move my body just come to waste. I couldn't even open my eyes, and with the strongest attempt I could finally open the left one; I saw the wall stickers of my room with it, but the rest of my body was still stagnant. If my phone didn't rang that day, I might not be able to finally wake up. This happen again earlier today when I took a nap... I know that my mom came into my room trying to wake me up. I heard her, but when I try to respond, I couldn't. 

"You must be very careful using your gifts. While it is beneficial, it can also put your spirit in great danger."

I tried to contact him for help, but he didn't respond anymore. On one hand, I do understand that he might been through that phase in which he wanted to let go off this indigo stuffs and be something we consider normal, because I've been there too (and probably still there considering how I live my life right now). But on the other hand, I realize that I'm all alone facing this problem. It's possible that one day I can't wake up from my sleep at all (remember Insidious? that's exactly how it works). I don't wish for it to happen, but there's a possibility. 

For fellow indigos out there who stumble upon this blog, would you please send me your protective energy for I am in need now... because I'm still not sure whether or not I can handle this in the future. I know I'm getting stronger, but apparently not strong enough yet to overcome this situation. May karma give you something good in return. In every good deed there will always be a wonderful gift. I wish you all the best in life. Namaste

LOVE SPRING

I believe most of us have been through what I called the 'loveless phase', in which one feels abandoned/forgotten, left behind. I meant to draw this wordless illustrations to celebrate the powerful energy of love. When we're in the lowest point of life, please remember that love is literally everywhere. We see it, we taste it with our tongue, we listen to its melodies, we feel it blowing our hair gently, shining through the trees or the surface of the sea. 

There are times where our heart lose its ability to feel that powerful vibration, indeed. But the heart is also a powerful tool, it can heal itself and as life goes on, it is able to feel and celebrate life again. 

<Namaste~>

BAYANGAN TAHUNAN

Kala itu rumah hanya dikenalnya sebagai bangunan kotak, saksi bisu
Kamar sebagai penyimpan lembaran rahasianya, tak lebih dari itu
Ingin ia mengubur halaman demi halaman, bersama dengan dirinya
Semua hanya ilusi, yang dapat dirasakan oleh kelima inderanya
Tetapi di balik semua itu, kosong.

Coba lihat dinding di sekitarnya
Aku menemukan serangkaian kata berbahasa aneh
Mungkin ia tidak ingin orang lain mengerti,
Atau ia tidak ingin dimengerti orang lain.

Dan di situ ia mengurungkan diri, merenung
Si gadis kini sudah tumbuh dewasa,
tapi bayangan itu menolak untuk tubuh besar bersamanya.
Seseorang, berikanlah ia sebatang lilin atau sebuah lentera!
Sebab tiap tahunnya, bayangan itu akan menyeruak dinding-dinding
Dan tiba pada pintu hati si gadis untuk mengiba,
meminta untuk diperhatikan kembali.

MUSIC SATURDAY - ALICE IN CHAINS

Hello and happy weekend, everybody! After a long week I decided to put aside all my assignments and just do whatever the hell I want. And since I'm getting into grunge and classic rock again, I scrolled over some youtube playlists, and stopped by at one of Alice in Chains' (AIC) old music video.

"You don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be."

Many might point out Nirvana when we're talking about grunge. I love both equally and I appreciate Pearl Jam and Soundgarden as well, but to me (the original, 90s version of) AIC is very emotional and deep. People said that their music is too gloomy, dark, and somber (so it's rather understandable that not everyone listens to AIC), but this is part of why I'm grateful for the existence of this band. 

Like I said before, when it comes to sadness, anger or fear, I'm not expressive and I tend to avoid heart-to-heart talk, but as a person I'm very empathetic. AIC's music allows my deeper emotions to come out of their shell. Whenever the depression lurks back, I play their songs as loud as possible. It helps really, to know that someone else out there understands what you've been through emotionally without having to speak a word. I can't describe how wonderful the lyrics and the tunes are. They don't cheer me up and they aren't meant to cheer anybody, but they help people realize that they have burdens, they have problems, and they are lonely, but that's okay, that's completely humane because everyone, no matter how okay they seem, is going through the same thing. RIP Layne Staley, and thank you so much for being such an inspiration. 

Below is a playlist of one of their hit albums, Jar of Flies (1994). The songs keep me sane and alive till today.  One of the fellow youtube commenter said that Jar of Flies is an amazing piece of art.

Couldn't agree more. 

OPINIONS, OPINIONS, OPINIONS

I feel like talking about my personal opinions on some of the most common yet deep topics in our society. I tried to write them several times in this blog but I was too afraid of any cynical judgements that may come out. But then I thought who the hell cares we're in the 21st century!

Well, here goes.

ON THE EXISTENCE OF GOD AND RELIGION

I'll go straight to the point, I do believe in God, Father, The Universe, The Absolute, whatever you call Him. I believe in the higher power that gives birth to all forms of life, even though existence of God cannot be proven. But some things need to remain as mystery; the universe is infinite and human intelligence are still limited to discover all sides of it. I don't need scientific reasons to believe in God, I believe God is within to guide me. 

But am I religious?

I don't think so.  

In my personal opinion, religions are ways to understand the concept of God and to understand oneself, as well as the meaning of life. Each individual is different, thus the different ways, but at the end they will lead people to the same destination; enlightenment. 

I'm open to all teachings and concepts so I don't dedicate myself to only one belief. I'm also open for atheists and agnostics for such discussion. 

ON GAY MARRIAGE

Gays are human beings as well, they all deserve affection and attention. And love is never limited to a man and a woman. It comes in all forms so if they fall in love with same-sex person, let them be. If you're against homosexuality in the name of religion, religious beliefs have taught us to love one and another unconditionally, so even if we disagree with them, our duty is to treat them equally because equality is what everyone deserves. 

And yet, why hate an act of love? Homosexuality shouldn't be illegal, violence should. 

ON SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE

I'm moderately liberal so I'm fine with girls or guys that want to have sex before marriage, as long as they know the consequences and responsibilities. For me personally, sex should be sacred because it is an act of intimacy between you and your other half whom you might be living with in your lifetime. And sex isn't just about being naked in bed together, it's also about being spiritually and psychologically open to this person, sharing the joys and pains from one and another. 

Marriage, on the other hand, is a commitment held between you and your other half, a way to swear for your faithfulness and acceptance. For me it's wonderful to have sex with only someone you've sworn to love and to be with for the rest of your life. 

ON DIVORCE

I just said that marriage is a way to swear for your faithfulness and acceptance, but sometimes things don't go as planned. The sentence 'til death do us apart' involves both physical and spiritual death in the relationship. When there's no life that came from intimate love in this marriage, one should propose a divorce before the 'dead relationship' do any harm. 

Perhaps that's all for now. I'm open for friendly discussion and I'll be adding more opinions on critical topics later. Thank you for reading :)

IDEALISM VS REALITY

Long ago, after showing my dad some of my drawings, he told me I'm capable of becoming an architect, so I grew up believing that someday I'll be an architect. But in later years, after going through some experiences, that dream seemed to change into some other things I thought I can to do for a living. An engineer, a doctor, and then... a scientist. I made my final choice by applying to a research-based university, hoping that I can be one of the best scientists and that I can change the faith of my country, I can make money for myself, marry my other half, raise and educate my future children so they grow up to make positive changes in their environment at least. And I can buy a nice home for my parents as a gift of gratitude, even though it's never enough to pay everything they've sacrificed for me. 

But lately I've been asking myself a question: Am I living my own dream or someone else's?

Clearly those are what almost everyone in this world wants. Get some education, make money to live a better life, live a long life, etc. And I was raised to believe that those things are the only key to true happiness. But I've never asked myself what happiness is. I define happiness by thinking about others, what would they get if I can make enough money to support them. Sure, I'll be proud of myself if I can afford a luxurious life for my loving parents and my future family. And to do so I need to have a promising job, and there are few choices of promising jobs, most of them might not be enjoyable for someone like me. After undergoing some courses, I feel like this isn't really my thing. I begin to lose my interest in quite everything. 

Call my crazy, but this is what I really want:

I want to roam freely in nature, where peace lies. To make artworks and write some poems and stories in a small wooden cabin on the mountain, surrounded by the forest, near a fresh lake. No dependency on phones or how much money I have left, there's just me and the sound of nature, and starry sky at night.

Being distracted by the dreams that most define, I begin to abandon my true talents and gifts. I lose my ability to communicate with the loving spirits, to astral travel, to express myself through arts both sketched and written. I begin to forget who I truly am. Sure, it's their dream, have it their way, but mine is different. 

But being in this kind of world, it's hard to live that kind of life, huh? I might not be able to survive, I'm a homeless person without a home and money, I'm not a part of the society without wearing the latest trends. Safety can only be provided by technology and modern lifestyle. 

I never really care how long or short my life would be, I don't fear death. I just want to live my life to the fullest. 

SABDA ALAM

Rupanya, alam sudah lama mendengar rinduku

Untuk mendengarkan sabdanya dan memeluk kata demi kata

Demi menghibur pedih yang menyeruak tiap ruang dalam jiwa;

Ruang hampa dingin tak bertuan.

Selama ini, angin berusaha membisikkan suatu pesan

Yang diterjemahkan oleh caya angkasa siang pun malam

Tapi aku ini terlalu bodoh, arogan

Hatiku terletak hanya pada materi dan akal pada hedonisme

Aku lupa bahwa selama ini, harta abadi yang dicari umat manusia

Tidak berwujud, tidak bernominal dan tidak dapat dihancurkan waktu

Gusti, ajari aku agar kiranya aku dapat

Menemukan aksara yang merambat begitu dalam

Ke jantung bumi juga kulit-kulitnya

Agar aku dapat mengecap buahnya yang termanis

Dan kekallah jiwaku dalam kedamaian, juga buaian kasihMu