I just can't stand it.

Being alone in your own world, stuck in my own illusions and feel disconnected with the real world. I tried to escape my own world, living a normal exciting life with everyone I met, but I cannot find a way to get out from my lone world.

I try to be happy, to get along with everyone, to live a normal teen life; to fall in love and break up with a boyfriend, to hanging out with best friends and have a pajama party with them. Each time I see my friends hanging out with their boy friends or just getting along with each other and talk about their problems or about other things like their favorite bands, I'm getting really jealous. What I see, what I've gone trough, is not the same, and I guess, it will never be. To see what others cannot see and trying to share my sight to others yet they found it as an imagination of mine or that they cannot understand or believe in what I see or what I hear, while those sights and voices are still hanging around me, it hurts. I keep those visions, sights, abilities, and voices by myself, trying to find a normal life story to share, but I hardly own a normal story to share. I don't know what to talk about; I just wish that I would have a teen life story to talk about with my friends or anyone else which I trusted.

I feel cursed, even if these abilities I had are a gift. I found it no use to have these abilities because it brings me pressure each day, and when I feel like I wanted to explode and I need someone to share this, I hardly found people who understands. People, even my own family, starting to think that I'm getting inexpressive and boring, they blame me for being so rude at the internet without knowing to reason why I did that. They said that I should just enjoy my life, but how can I enjoy my alone life? Each time I finally found happiness, something pulls me back to my own dark and alone world, isolated from everything. As I try to forget about everything I see and I hear, and joining the normal life with others, they found me as an awkward, inexpressive, monotone, boring, and so on, because I hardly live a normal life. No body really understands what I've gone trough all of these days, and I'm getting sick of it. They blame me for being too miserable and pathetic, they blame me for being stuck in this dark side of the world. But how can I be happy when I'm stuck here all alone without finding a way to escape? How can I be happy when nobody understands me yet I try to understand everyone? how can I be positive when I've been positive for too long yet stuck in the same dark and alone feelings as a result?

I grew tired of this. I grew tired of being alone, while others still stabbing me and blaming me for everything. "Get a life," they said. and how can I get my life when I've lost one?

I found that my life is no longer useful. I'm not making everyone proud. I'm not making any changes to everyone. I'm not making everyone happy. I'm only a burden. If I really am a lightworker, how can I work in this alone world? How can I escape from my loneliness and pain? When will I find people who understands me?

I tried to change, perhaps there's something wrong with me, and I try to be someone else. yet, something pull me back again. Even if I like myself and I want to be myself, I grew tired of being the self that people do not understand. I want to be understood, I need help, but who can offer a helpful help?

I met many kind people who tried to understand and help me. I feel thankful for that. But I never be truly understood. No one will. Not even my parents or my closest friends. I live my life in this psychic world for far too long, and I hardly feel a normal life. As I wanted to share what I see and what I hear, people think that it's just my imagination or I just made that up to impress people.

I don't know what am I going to do now, or who can I trust to share these feelings. Even if I found one, he or she will never truly understands me. I knew it. I grew tired of being alone. I grew tired of having this psychic abilities even if some people wanted to have it or they think that it was cool. I grew tired of hiding this. I grew tired of being scared and sad yet when I describe the reasons why I feel that way, no one understands. I want to return to my real and happy world. I grew tired of living my life in the earth.