COPING WITH ADULTHOOD

I just turned 21 last month, which is the legal age in my country because people of that age are able to be fully responsible and independent. It is said every 21-year olds will face a brand new mental state because it's a major turning point in life, and now I know how it feels like. 3 years ago I sorted a list of universities I could afford to go to, made some friends in matriculation class, and eventually enjoyed some solidarity with my classmates. It all started 3 years ago, but it only feels like it was just yesterday.

Just when I'm able to take a deep breath after all the stress and makeovers for the sake of adapting with the university lifestyle, I'm being rushed into adulthood. Indeed, at this age I can drink whenever I want without being chased by the police and for that very reason it's not strange to hear people congratulating you for being "legal", but that's just a small privilege you get for having so many responsibilities and burdens. I'm one year ahead from graduating, moving out and applying for jobs (or hopefully, master's degree), and I only have less than a year left to learn about these responsibilities and think about my future endeavor.

At this point, I realize that I'm no longer a kid and I must learn how to take full responsibility over my decisions, my actions, and my words. As a child, your parents or any other adult figures in your life will take the responsibility for you, but when you're already in your 20-something, you'll be on your own. And to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. It's a whole new level of "getting out of your comfort zone", and it all feels too rushed to me. I have to do another major makeover because I'm no longer a freshman and I'm only a few steps away from getting my degree. I have to get used with being on my own and do things on my own since I'm used with having companies or having someone who have your back.

Another thing I've been stressing over after my birthday is the realisation that I'll be graduating soon and I'd probably be so very far from my friends and family. I took the moments we spend together for granted before I knew I'll be moving away or probably get a tight schedule at work that I won't be seeing them as often as I can now. It hits me quite hard because there is a possibility that we will grow apart and move on with each other's life, and I just moved on from the "growing apart" issue with my old friends. Even now, my boarding house is already empty because the kids had moved out for some reasons. It used to be a packed and cheerful place because we like to hang out in each other's room and spend some time together, but now I'm the only one left who still lives here, along with some new kids who hardly socialize with each other. Some kids had moved out before I could say farewell to them, and that makes me feel sad.

As for my family part, it hits me that I only have a year or so to see my grandma whenever I like. I remember spending my birthday with my grandma at a pricey restaurant (I felt sorry for my grandma because she paid for the whole thing and she's best known to be a frugal person); after apologizing for picking that restaurant she said "Think nothing of it. This might be the last time we could celebrate your birthday together, before you move out." It hits me so hard and I can never forget this.

These thoughts have been revolving in my mind, and God how I wish I could rewind the time and enjoy every second and every moment I had in University. I wish I could tell my friends and family how grateful I am to have them around and how wonderful it is to know them. I wish I could live my pre-adult life to the fullest and rejoice the good and bad moments I have for the past 3 years, because I can never have these 3 years back. All I have left is some new blank pages to write. 

THE ENEMY WITHIN

Since last year, things seem to crumble apart and quite frankly, I'm starting to lose it. Unfortunate things keep coming one by one. Just when I thought it's over, another one comes in and kick me hard in the teeth. One would say "just look at the bright side!" or "some people have it worse than you". Have you ever consider how you would feel if someone said this to your face during hard times? Imagine losing everything you have or someone dear to you, a friend shows up and said "some people have it worse than you." I know they might try to show some sympathy and cheer me up but this is not helping at all. As a matter of fact, it only makes things worse. 

Sometimes you want something so bad and you work your ass to get it, but reality punches you. Hard. Last year had been especially hard for me personally. I lost my loved ones, I was betrayed, I went through several events that brought my old bad memories back, I fell ill and since then I will always be ill. But I made it through alive and I hoped that 2016 will be nice at me. So before 2016, I made a promise to myself that I will stay strong and at the very least, get fit again, and just before I turn 21 I will look fit and healthy because I'm freaking tired of looking like a dying person. But alas, reality kicks in and now I look like a whale with goggly eyes and that's way too far from looking fit and slim. So once again my dreams are being crushed into pieces. Yes, such is life. But we all have limits, am I right? 

I can't help but ask to God (if he ever exists) what have I done to deserve all this? Yes I have hurt people in the past and drink alcohol before I reach the legal age (does that even count as a "sin"? I hardly get drunk) but I never steal nor commit a murder. Now I'm reaching a point where I hate myself so much I think I deserve all the hate in this world and suffer. I can feel my usual enthusiastic and optimistic spirit fading away and all I can hear now is my own voice calling myself names every minute. Heck, my birthday is coming up soon and I don't even feel like I deserve it. In my current circumstances nothing could lift my spirit, but time MIGHT heal. 

This experience helps me understand what the classic "the worst enemy is yourself" saying truly means. It's true. People may hurt you but if you still have your spirit then there's no stopping you. The Buddha confirms this by saying "when there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you". But if your spirit crumbles apart then you're completely screwed. And when this happens, nothing else can help you, not even the excessive support from your loved ones. You can only help yourself by building your inner strength back. And it's not easy. 

ESCAPING THE GATE OF HELL

No, this isn't a witness written by someone who stands for God. I know you've seen plenty of those books in the library or bookstores. I don't believe in such thing anymore even though I used to. I no longer see hell as a place where souls of humans are being punished and tortured for eternity. I see it as a state of mind, a state where you can't make peace with yourself even after death. 

By holding to this definition, I've walked through hell several times. I remember when my teacher revealed what I was like 90 years ago, as a soldier participating for world war 2. I saw people dying before me and I was too helpless to help. And it was the kind of death you can't imagine; it was torturing kind of slow death and it happens to a lot of people around you. Living in a short time only to see people dying and dying with them right after was never the kind of life anyone would dream for. I don't need to see Satan standing between a high gate of fire before me to witness hell. That was already hell to me, and it didn't happen in any other realm, it exactly took place on where we are standing now; earth. 

Even as a young kid I already entered the gate of hell. Once again I had to be a witness to a group of reckless human beings torturing other human beings, but I was too young to understand, let alone do something to help the weak, because I too was weak and short-minded. Sometimes when the memories come back, I still feel rage and grudge growing inside me. The desire to take revenge whispers in my mind to hypnotise me, but I'd become one of them if I take my revenge, and I never wanted to do such a thing to any other beings. I don't want to live as another parasite. 

To me, hell doesn't last for eternity. There's an escape, and the only way to escape is to free yourself from rage and sorrow. The path to Heaven isn't so hard to find because it lies within you, but it's not easy to walk through it. The only way to Heaven is to make peace with yourself, to accept that things happen and you can't change it, but you can look forward and move on. 

CERITA SORE

Sejak menginjak usia yang sudah dianggap dewasa, saya sering mendengar pesan-pesan moral dari mereka yang lebih tua. Beberapa dari pesan itu memang membangkitkan gairah hidup saya kembali dan menginspirasi saya untuk menjadi orang yang lebih baik, namun tidak jarang saya mendengar pesan dari orang yang mindsetnya masih tertinggal zaman.

Kerapkali saya dipesankan untuk mencari pasangan hidup yang agamanya sama, dan kalau bisa, berasal dari keluarga yang kaya raya.

Beberapa orang menyiratkan reaksi negatif ketika mereka tahu bahwa saya tidak suka bayi dan anak kecil, karena "suatu saat nanti saya akan memiliki anak sendiri."

Saya pernah diberitahu agar "tidak usah menyusahkan diri dengan menempuh jenjang pendidikan lebih tinggi; hidup lebih mudah bila kamu menikah dengan seseorang yang kaya."

Di sisi lain, saya pernah diminta untuk kembali ke Indonesia dan membuat perubahan jika saya sudah menjadi "orang" di luar sana.

1. Dalam mencari pasangan hidup, saya tidak mementingkan kekayaan maupun kepercayaan seseorang. Saya ingin mendampingi dan didampingi oleh seseorang yang mau berjuang bersama dengan saya. Apabila kelak nanti saya akan menikah, saya ingin menikah dengan seseorang yang bisa diajak bertukar pikiran dan menanggung beban, tanggung jawab, dan kebahagiaan bersama. Itu yang paling penting. Urusan kepercayaan adalah hal yang sifatnya pribadi, selama bisa saling menerima point of view terhadap spirituality.

2. Saya punya hak atas rahim saya sendiri dan sejak dulu hingga sekarang saya tidak pernah memiliki keinginan untuk memiliki anak kelak nanti. Saya punya life goals lain yang ingin saya wujudkan, and my happiness comes first. Saya tidak ingin melahirkan anak semata-mata karena tuntutan lingkungan.

3. Mungkin at some point in my life saya punya keinginan untuk menikah, tapi menikah bukan tujuan hidup utama saya. Saya hidup untuk belajar dan menjadi seseorang yang berguna bagi orang lain, meskipun hanya terhadap segelintir orang saja. Saya tidak butuh kekayaan karena saya selalu berusaha untuk mengajak diri sendiri agar tidak menjadi seseorang yang materialistik. My true happiness comes from helping others. Mungkin membeli barang-barang brand atau rumah mewah akan membawa kepuasan dan kesenangan tersendiri, tapi bagi saya itu sifatnya tidak permanen, dan ujung2nya saya tidak akan pernah puas dengan apa yang saya miliki sekarang.

4. Percuma kembali ke Indonesia jika gagasanmu tidak didengar dan kamu tidak memperoleh apa yang layak kamu peroleh setelah bekerja keras selama bertahun-tahun. Again, my true happiness comes first, dan sejujurnya di sini saya tidak bahagia. Saya tidak mau membebani diri saya sendiri hanya karena saya dituntut untuk tinggal dan bekerja di tempat yang tidak saya senangi.

I STOP BELIEVING.

I don't mean to be such an attention seeker, I write this as apology to those who might feel hurt from my careless and heartless actions in the future. Please remember that I have no intention to hurt anyone nor myself. I've been going through unfortunate events since last year and some of them involve the shitty side of people, mostly from those I trusted and loved. Also, nowadays I'm coping with the urban lives and I get to witness selfishness and bad attitudes. I don't blame them for that nor myself, but I've absorbed too much negativities from those events. I've stopped believing that people can actually possess goodness for others. I see people as selfish pricks and that's also how I see myself right now. I'm not being a good friend to those who still love and care for me. This is one thing about being an empath; you take everything personally even if it shouldn't be that way, but you just can't help it. As a person who lives in the city, I should be prepared to experience the bad side of humanity, but I didn't. I was being too optimistic towards people but in the end it's all turning against me. This is why I'm not a compatible person to live in a huge and crowded urban area, no matter how social and adaptable I am. I can keep up with the pace and I can even start a small conversation with a random person I just met in the bus or anywhere else, but the habits and attitudes city people possess are not for me. I'm too fucking sensitive for bullshits. 

Again, I hope you understand if I'm slowly turning bitter. Believe me, I'm trying to get rid off it, but there are times when I can't see the light at all. I hope I find a way to escape from the city and make peace with myself somewhere else. When I can make peace with the self, I can be of help for others.

PS: I hate seeing my blog turning into "co.id" instead of "com" because I'm not proud of Indonesia at all. Can anyone help me fix this? 

ANOTHER ENDING, ANOTHER BEGINNING

In a few hours we will have to say sayonara to 2015 and greet 2016 with joy and pleasure. Almost everyone I know posts their top 9 pictures in instagram and expresses their gratitude for all the blessings they have during the year. Few post a list of events and people they care about in their blog. Some chooses to post new year greetings in facebook because it's more convenient to them. 

While it's a year full of joy for most people out there, it's one of the toughest for me. Many times I have to fall and get on my feet again. I faked my smile while there's a storm going on inside me. I lost handful of people I care for. I faced failures and betrayals by people I thought I could trust. I had to experience long-term sickness. Yet I survived all that on my own. It makes me realize that not everything is made of sugar. It reminds me that I don't really have much friends even though I like to socialize, but I still have handful of people who are being true to me. 

Although I don't smile and laugh as often this year, I don't see these unfortunate events as a reason to be bitter. I am forever grateful for the life challenges I have to face on my own, it gives me more strength, wisdom, and resilience. It gave me precious lifetime lessons about people and yourself. I consider myself lucky to have such experiences.

Happy 2016!

THE LIST OF THINGS I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE

Artwork by Rala Choi. Picture taken from berlin-artparasites

1. I anonymously sent a love poem to my first crush. Somehow the whole school found out, and a group of boys bullied me for expressing my true feelings. I was young and very shy, but I wanted so much to express my feelings freely. Years have passed, and if I have the chance to see my younger self and talk to her, I'd say I am proud of her for breaking the comfort zone. My first crush might hated me back then, but I have no absolute regret. 

2. I skipped prayer-breaks back in high school because I was curious on what the other kids are doing. I was grouped with the christian kids and every lunch time we would read verses from the bible and say our prayers. I don't feel like it's my kind of thing, so I decided to explore and find my own spiritual path. I shared interesting conversations with my spiritual teacher, my buddhist teacher and my jehovah witness' friends. I discovered my spiritual path and develop my personal belief from this experience (even though I had to get in trouble several times), and I have no absolute regret. 

3. I forgot to bring my umbrella and it was raining outside. I waited for it to stop, but after a couple of hours I knew it's going to last for the entire day. So I thought to myself, "fuck it, I'm going for a shower!" and ran through the pouring rain. I forgot how fun it is to jump on puddles. I got sick the next day, but I have no absolute regret. 

4. One of my closest friends made a confession to me. She told me she's into girls, and she was afraid that the society might judge her harshly. I grew up in a religious environment, so I knew what it's like to be "different". I told her that I accept her no matter what, and respect her courage to tell me about this. I might went up against my religion, but I have no absolute regret. 

5. I found out that my childhood friends had been talking shit behind my back because I'm a completely different person now. I confronted them and I simply moved on. I might've lost my childhood friends, but I'm now surrounded by good, supportive friends, and I'm much more comfortable being the new person I am now, so I have no absolute regret. 

6. My girl friends and I stayed awake through the night and talked about intimacies and intercourse. Some of us made a confession about our deepest fantasies. We live in a place where it's taboo to fantasize about sex (especially for girls) and it's wrong to wear revealing dress, so I felt a sense of relief during our late night conversation. This inspires me to break the taboo rules and make some erotic arts. I believe that girls have the right to discover their sexual pleasures and explore their own body. My sketch book is full of nude girls, and I have no absolute regret. 

7. I had been holding a deep grudge on someone from my childhood. It's a complicated story and I'd rather not write it down, but long story short, the person was being manipulative and abusive to my adolescent self. 10 years have passed and I decided to spare myself from the memories by forgiving that person even though the person never asks for forgiveness. 

What I did might not be as daring as what a main character in your favorite novel did, but these things change me as a person, and life still has so much to offer. I'm grateful for the changes, the tragedies and revelations in my life.