THE LIST OF THINGS I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE

Artwork by Rala Choi. Picture taken from berlin-artparasites

1. I anonymously sent a love poem to my first crush. Somehow the whole school found out, and a group of boys bullied me for expressing my true feelings. I was young and very shy, but I wanted so much to express my feelings freely. Years have passed, and if I have the chance to see my younger self and talk to her, I'd say I am proud of her for breaking the comfort zone. My first crush might hated me back then, but I have no absolute regret. 

2. I skipped prayer-breaks back in high school because I was curious on what the other kids are doing. I was grouped with the christian kids and every lunch time we would read verses from the bible and say our prayers. I don't feel like it's my kind of thing, so I decided to explore and find my own spiritual path. I shared interesting conversations with my spiritual teacher, my buddhist teacher and my jehovah witness' friends. I discovered my spiritual path and develop my personal belief from this experience (even though I had to get in trouble several times), and I have no absolute regret. 

3. I forgot to bring my umbrella and it was raining outside. I waited for it to stop, but after a couple of hours I knew it's going to last for the entire day. So I thought to myself, "fuck it, I'm going for a shower!" and ran through the pouring rain. I forgot how fun it is to jump on puddles. I got sick the next day, but I have no absolute regret. 

4. One of my closest friends made a confession to me. She told me she's into girls, and she was afraid that the society might judge her harshly. I grew up in a religious environment, so I knew what it's like to be "different". I told her that I accept her no matter what, and respect her courage to tell me about this. I might went up against my religion, but I have no absolute regret. 

5. I found out that my childhood friends had been talking shit behind my back because I'm a completely different person now. I confronted them and I simply moved on. I might've lost my childhood friends, but I'm now surrounded by good, supportive friends, and I'm much more comfortable being the new person I am now, so I have no absolute regret. 

6. My girl friends and I stayed awake through the night and talked about intimacies and intercourse. Some of us made a confession about our deepest fantasies. We live in a place where it's taboo to fantasize about sex (especially for girls) and it's wrong to wear revealing dress, so I felt a sense of relief during our late night conversation. This inspires me to break the taboo rules and make some erotic arts. I believe that girls have the right to discover their sexual pleasures and explore their own body. My sketch book is full of nude girls, and I have no absolute regret. 

7. I had been holding a deep grudge on someone from my childhood. It's a complicated story and I'd rather not write it down, but long story short, the person was being manipulative and abusive to my adolescent self. 10 years have passed and I decided to spare myself from the memories by forgiving that person even though the person never asks for forgiveness. 

What I did might not be as daring as what a main character in your favorite novel did, but these things change me as a person, and life still has so much to offer. I'm grateful for the changes, the tragedies and revelations in my life.

A REFLECTION

"Even when the sea tries to shatter you, even when the sky crumbles upon you, you will get up again. You will stand up for yourself."

I will never forget what my teacher told me once. I often look at myself in the mirror and contemplate at the image that appear right in front of me. Years have passed and I've made it to this point. I've struggled many times yet I made it this far. And I still have many years ahead of me. I still have much to learn.

I wouldn't say that my life is harder than anyone else. But there are events in my timeline that change me as a person. I've seen people trying to kill each other with my very eyes. I've witnessed a crumbling household. I've experienced abuse and I did the same thing to someone else in return. I understand how it's like to grow up with unexplained anger and confusion. 

But I made it this far. 

I wouldn't lie about the thoughts of giving up. It came across my mind several times. Sometimes I do feel exhausted. Sometimes I ask myself if my life's worth fighting for. But I always end up telling myself: what do I got to lose. 

"You're stronger than you think you are."

I wasn't very sure of what my teacher said, but now I know that it's true. I made it this far. I crumble and struggle, but I always find a way to stand on my feet again. 

SOULS THAT GROW APART

Allow me to share a bit of my experience. 

I always believe that my life has its own pattern. I've met so many people who were part of my previous lives in the present, so it's no longer surprising for me to sense a connection towards another person whom I just met. But I've never felt such a strong connection towards a stranger I happen to met from the internet. Before we talk to each other, we shared the same dream. I was in a castle, and I saw him running all over the place. For the next few months we kept seeing each other in our dreams. I sensed his soul, only to learn that he played a significant role in my previous lives. He was a brother at one time, then a life partner at another. Once we learned the truth, we grew very close to each other, despite the fact that he lives in the other side of the earth. At such distance, we shared a strong empathy; he could tell when I'm feeling upset or disturbed, and vice versa. Our connection was that powerful. 

Things went very well between us. We both trust and love each other; it was a pure and unconditional form of affection, and that was the only time I feel it (so far). But at some point, we went through unpleasant things. We hurt one and another very often, and I've never been so upset with someone. I noticed that we're growing apart and we're not meant to be anymore, but our relationship was so wonderful that I don't want it to end. I closed my eyes from reality and tried my best to make things work again, but things got worse and I realize that it simply won't work, no matter how hard we try. My heavy-hearted self finally decided to end everything; we stopped talking to each other since. I've never been that close to anyone (since I grew up with trust and mental issues) so I thought our friendship could last forever. It was a very hard thing to do, especially because our souls recognize each other since the ancient times. But I've learned so much from this experience. I believe that souls come and go, reunite, and move on. There are times when we meet again, there are times when we hold hands and grow together, there are times when we separate ourselves and start a new spiritual pathway. Our eternal souls grow and learn each day, that's why some things will never be the way it used to be. When things are not the way it were, let it be. Let the past be the past. Let the past be an unforgettable experience, a lesson for our life journey, but never let the past disturb the present. 

As humans, we have the tendency to be partially--or even completely dependent to the significant people in our lives, and that's completely normal. But hurting ourselves over something that is meant to be is a waste of energy; we just can't do anything about it. Our soul is revolving and it will always find its way. So no matter how hard it is, move on and be content with the present. Once we're able to move on, we'll understand life better and we'll grow stronger as a human being. That's part of the spiritual process. :)

Namaste! 

NOTE-TO-SELF OF THE DAY

10 years ago, I was a very shy and quiet girl. I avoided mirrors because I was ashamed of myself; I felt ugly and worthless. I was obese, so the pretty clothes never fit me. There was a guy I like, but somehow the rumors had spread throughout the school. Since then, I was constantly bullied by a group of senior boys, they said I looked like gorilla and I don't deserve anyone. That moment, my only wish is to disappear or to be someone else. I wanted to change my body, I wanted to look like other girls. 

But girls grow up gracefully, and now I'm grateful for having a chance to grow both physically and psychologically. Whenever I look at the mirror, I can now see that I have a pair of beautiful brown eyes and natural thick eyelashes, thick eyebrows and bright skin, all of my physical features that I adore. Many may disagree, but I see myself as a beautiful woman, even though there are lots of girls out there who were gifted with natural beauty. Even though I cannot have the slim model-sih type of body, I'm happy to just be myself. I won't trade this body with anyone else's. I wear whatever I like without having to consider what others may think of it. Moreover, I realize that I'm more than just an Indonesian chubby girl (I lost a lot of weight in a healthy way, because I do care about myself and I want to take care of my own body!), I have potentials and skills, and I'm educated. I've gained my confidence, at last. And while I do appreciate other's opinion, I won't let it affect my confidence. In my mindset, I am beautiful and intelligent. I deserve to be confident whatever the circumstances are. 

So my message to girls out there is this, society has beauty standards and it's always there. It changes and adapts with the era, but there's always a group of people who can't fit in. Never lose confidence, always remember that you are unique in your own way. You're born that way and nothing can change that, but instead of going through plastic surgery, be grateful of your body. Be grateful that you can work with your hands and legs, be grateful and take a good care of the body you're using. All of us have that one unique physical feature others were dying to have. You may not be gifted with natural beauty like other girls your age, but some of you are natural-born musician, writer, artist, or scientist, and those things are cool too! And it's true that you look more beautiful once you have confidence. I compared a picture of myself 10 years ago and now; my facial features haven't changed much, but there's this bright and positive energy around my current pictures. Shine in your own way, and like what my cousin always says, never be the second version of anyone else. 

I SURRENDER, LORD

I grew up in a religious background (Christian, specifically). Going to Sunday School and participating in Church events were part of my weekly activity. I truly believe in God when I was a kid and I always spare some time to pray to Him. But as I grow up, my religious sense began to fade and I became skeptical. My prayers weren't sincere, and I used excuses so that I don't have to go to church. I skip prayers later on and I would just go to sleep and eat my meals without it.

This habit continues for years, until I went to college. For 2 years I've been experiencing emotional roller coster. I almost fail and I haven't done anything remarkable. It fell into depression, but I started to noticed that my friends are going through the same thing. Even though they're just as exhausted as I am, they're doing much better and they eventually get better achievements than I do. I began to wonder why, until I saw their posts on my timeline. They were thanking God for his guidance.

From thereon, everything makes sense to me. Even though it doesn't make sense to fanatic and pitiful atheists out there, I began to understand why religious folks can do better and be happier. They surrender to all the burdens they have to deal with because they believe God will guide them and give them better days. This belief is what keeps them going, that's why it's easier for them to handle emotional or exhausting situations.

Even though there are lots of points in the bible that do not make sense to me, I find prayers and worship songs soothing for the soul. I remember when my church uses 'All to Jesus I Surrender' as one of our worship songs for the week. Some folks bursted into tears, like their life was being renewed. I never actually understand that kind of emotional state, until now.


In Christianity, 'Father" is another name for God, indicating a strong bond between God and the people who worship Him. My Sunday School teacher once told me to remember God as my own Father and talk to Him everyday like how we treat our on father. To let God hears our unheard cries means we let our spiritual selves heal and we surrender to the lowest points of life. Surrendering doesn't mean giving up, it simply means we understand that we sometimes need to face life challenges and emotional situations to make us stronger. The religious may see it this way; God gives us burdens, but once we surrender to God, they believe that God will guide them and help them along the way. That's why the religious are strong both mentally and spiritually. They do not curse on the bad things that happen to them, they simply surrender.

Today, I myself surrender to the lowest points of my life, the unfortunate events and all the emotional conflicts inside me. I believe that God will guide me and I will see better days if I keep going. 

SUNDAY LOUNGE

Happy Sunday! I'd like to apologize if my previous posts were too depressing. Today I feel like the blues are over for now, and hopefully I can stay sane until at least my finals are over. I'm planning to book a session with a psychologist and see if it helps. 

Anyway, to celebrate an international day off, I'd like to post several some lounge music to make your weekend vibrant. But if you're out there working, I believe these songs can keep your spirit high too. That is, if you're into lounge music. 

If you're a big fan of oldies lounge/bossa-nova, I suggest surfing through youtube and look for these channels:

• -Quisquisest 
• -Soft Tempo Lounge (I even interact with the man behind this channel and share songs with him! He's friendly ^^)
• PolidroNobre 
• TheCoffeeShopShop

1. Sunny Escapade by Polish Radio Orchestra 

2. Take Off by Barbara Moore

3. Café by Guido Pisstocchi 

4. The Face that I Love by Chris Karen

5. Summer in Love - I Marc 4

6. Dramma delle Gelosia by Armando Trovajoli 

7. Le cerbiatte by Stelvio Cipriani

8. Uh... too lazy to type the title of the song. But it's relaxing in a sensual way, so it's one of my fave

9. Now or Never by Polish Radio Orchestra


10. Easy Lovers by Piero Piccioni

.

Is it okay to talk about things

that are not okay?

Would the world give me ears

and reveal my hidden tears?

Behind this appearance

lies a rotten heart full of dirt

You can hear it beating

but I know that it's dying