COMMON PROBLEMS AMONG EMPATHS

My grandfather gave me abilities that most people consider psychic such as experiencing strange yet meaningful dreams, astral projecting, and energy healing. Other than these abilities is the ability to feel people (empathy). It's different than sympathy, as told by this simple yet informative video:

But sometimes it comes to an extreme level where the person's inner conflict and emotions influence mine. I remember one day in school where I got to sit with a group of girls and one of them had issues with quite everyone else (that time I was completely neutral because I didn't even know her and I don't want to be judgmental) so there were rumors about her spreading around. She looked happy and fine as she talked to her friends, but I knew that deep inside she was in turmoil because I felt her. I felt a sudden pain in my chest that came out of nowhere.

There is another event; I was in the car with one of my instructors and I've been told that his wife had passed away years ago, leaving him and their son behind. As he drove the car in silence, I felt his lost, loneliness, and his love to the deceased wife. I somehow knew that he doesn't want to marry again because he wanted to remain loyal, which is why I salute him. Yet at the same time I felt really bad for him and I could feel my heart ripping slowly during the silence.

This ability is one of few reasons why I can never stand the crowd, because there are so many feelings and thoughts in the atmosphere, and to feel all of them at once is just so overwhelming and exhausting. I used to panic whenever I found myself trapped in the crowd and I've burdened my friends due to this.

Yet I now have to face expectations and pressure from here and there especially after I moved out to the city, I can feel how my heart hardens with ego. I know that I can still feel, but perhaps I just don't care about what other's feel anymore because to the new, grown-up me, what matters the most is me and I spare only a little room for others. Sometimes my actions seem so heartless (like throwing mean jokes) people have to talk to me about it. This also affects my other abilities; I can no longer heal or astral project voluntarily.

So both situations, over-feel and feel-less (sorry for the made-up terms), are never healthy, I know that. I'm far from my balanced state both mentally and spiritually. It is never easy to maintain that balanced state because we just have to sometimes be in hard situations because such is life. I'm pretty sure all empaths experience the same problem at some point.

A balanced empath may feel others without letting the feelings affect himself. He has good control on himself while he knows how he can help the person. I do so wish I could train myself to do this because I feel responsible for inheriting my grandfather's golden abilities and so far I'm the only one in the family.

If you're an empath and facing the same situation (or even better; you've learned how to overcome this problem) feel free to share it in the comment section below. I'd love to hear your thoughts and to learn to develop with someone else.

Namaste

BACK TO THE PAST

http://www.urjashakti.com/past-life/

Few days ago I had an interesting conversation with an old friend about our past lives. We are believers of reincarnation and we both have seen ourselves as soldiers from WW2. I learned all about my past from my realistic nightmares and a past-life therapy session from my teacher and my psychic friend, he learned his from meditations and dreams also. I served the USA, he fought for Germany. We never met each other back then, but the whole WW2 thing pretty much connects us in the strangest way possible. In fact, I felt this way to every incarnated soldiers I met. 

Our conversation lead us to two questions: why do we forget? And why some of us have to remember again? Most of us, both believers and nonbelievers of reincarnation, have lost most of our memories about the past. What we care about is the present and the future, and after all, that's all that matters. So why do we have to see the past, why is it necessary for some us to remember?

I left a wife and a daughter, and it wasn't the kind of death brave soldiers should face. I surrendered, I let my enemy shot me in the head. The war was too much for me to handle because I was never born a fighter. I survived the first hour, thanks to a friend who carried me to the nearest red cross post. The nurse stitch my head but it was no use because I bled too much. Even now I have this stitch-like birthmark above my left eye, but my thick long bang covers the mark so it can only be seen if I tie my hair back. 

My friend on the other hand, was so passionate about the war, even before he remembered his past-life he knew almost all the details about WW2. He enjoyed sketching soldiers and riffles. You can say that he's a human encyclopedia for WW2. Unlike me, back then he was good at fighting and he enjoyed serving for his past country. Unfortunately, his passion had to stop when he got shot right in the chest. He died in instance, leaving a girlfriend behind. 

So we served different countries, we died in different way, the war was a traumatic event for my past self while his past self sees it as something exciting. I might had to forget because the memories were burdens to my past self and my spirit wanted to restart life all over again without having to physically remember this event. He might forgot because his passion took the lives of people including himself.

But in the end, as time goes by, we began to feel the urge to learn about the past and remember everything all over again. Why so?

Perhaps our spirits wanted to remind us that our unfortunate death shall not be repeated in the end of our current lives. We have been given the opportunity to experience life yet again, and we are now fortunate enough to have better fate and to be in a better world (well, maybe 'better place' suits better because the world is still full of wars anyway). Our experience shall be a lesson to both of us and everyone else in this world. We cannot change what is happening right now, we have little power to do so and the world has been like this since the beginning of mankind. What we can do is protect people around us, at least those we love, from doing the things our past selves have done. If we want to make the world a better place, we have to start from a small scale. 

THE DAY I DECIDED TO GIVE

illustration was taken from huffingtonpost.com

It was almost 12, and it feels unusual to see how empty the city was. After a quiet morning full of workout at the gym, I rushed to see a taxi so I can go to my father's office in the heart of the used-to-be crowded city. Luckily there was one standing by in front of the building, and much to my relief it was a 'low-cost' taxi (I've been trying to save more money to purchase this pair of Nike shoes I adore so much). The friendly and polite taxi driver agreed to take me to the office even if it's not so far from where I was. 

We were on our way when someone called the driver. "Wassalamualaikum," he said. Soon I heard the person from the other side replied in a fainted voice. I heard the conversation in silence from the back seat, guessing that the person calling this driver was his sister (since he kept calling her "mbak"). 

"I sold the television for only 250.000 rupiah. It was the best deal I got. I asked the company (of the taxi) to lend me 350.000, but they won't give me."

"Where can I get that much of money..." he started to sound sad and desperate. I could see him trying to hold back the tears from his reflection. "We need 600.000 rupiah quickly to get mother to the hospital. Her condition is getting worse..." 

I felt like my heart stops beating for a few second. I heard reports about vicious taxi drivers trying to 'trick' people into paying them more, but I'm an empath and I trust my heart more than anything. My guts told me that it wasn't a scenario, that it is happening and the taxi driver is facing probably the biggest crisis in his life. 

"Please don't cry, take a good care of our mother and I'll do my best to collect the money." He ended the call just before we arrived. 

I grabbed the money I've been carrying in my pocket. I have 40.000 rupiah in hand that I planned to save for this pair of Nike shoes... but I realized that this man needs that money more than I do and the shoes can wait, though I wish I could give him more. If I were a wealthy person I would give him 350.000 straight, but I'm just an ordinary college student. I only have enough to feed myself, and it was the best I could give that day. 

The trip only costs me 14.000, but I handed out all I have to the taxi driver, convincing him that I want him to keep the rest even though he was being honest about the cost and he didn't ask for extra charge or anything. He began to burst in tears while showing the most sincere gratitude I've ever seen, and I will not forget the look on his face. I only give him 36.000 if I exclude the cost for taxi, and with that amount of money I could spend it all within a day, but that look of gratitude on his face... I will never forget.

It's the month of Ramadan, the sacred event for my fellow muslim brothers and sisters, and I want him to be blessed. I want him to remember that the world is not always cold. I just hope he could get his mother to the hospital as soon as possible. 

This event also hits me right in the face for spending too much lately, not giving time to appreciate what I have. When I disrespect 10.000 rupiah, the money means something to someone else out there. And to earn 10.000 one needs effort, and with all the excuses I made I hardly even take effort these days. I already have an income though not as much to fulfill my financial needs, but I still depend on my parents, while people out there will do anything, any job even the dirtiest, to survive and take care of their loved ones. 

We never know what a person has been going through, so please be kind to everyone whether it's Ramadan/Christmas or not. When you give, you receive.

SLEEP PARALYSIS

"You're getting powerful. One day, you might be able to see yourself laying on the bed while your spirit goes somewhere."

Said the 'father' of this country's Indigo Society Ed Candra Kanic, few years back. It was our first and last meeting together, and he was the first to see the ability I did not even realize I have. It is the ability to (astral) travel. 

Sounds pretty cool, isn't it? While it does feel great to go everywhere you like, to the past or to the future, to the extraterrestrial worlds, the underworld, literally everywhere... Everything has its risks and consequences. And as you grow older the risks get bigger too. 

This week I experience what seems to be called 'sleep paralysis'. Sometimes I subconsciously astral project when I sleep, like I just do it naturally. Few days ago the experience felt more lucid, and I feel it when my spirit went back to my body. Somehow it couldn't connect itself with the body like it used to, and that's when I felt two girls coming into my room with their conversations. I tried moving my head to see them, but suddenly I felt muscleless, like the energy I use to move my body just come to waste. I couldn't even open my eyes, and with the strongest attempt I could finally open the left one; I saw the wall stickers of my room with it, but the rest of my body was still stagnant. If my phone didn't rang that day, I might not be able to finally wake up. This happen again earlier today when I took a nap... I know that my mom came into my room trying to wake me up. I heard her, but when I try to respond, I couldn't. 

"You must be very careful using your gifts. While it is beneficial, it can also put your spirit in great danger."

I tried to contact him for help, but he didn't respond anymore. On one hand, I do understand that he might been through that phase in which he wanted to let go off this indigo stuffs and be something we consider normal, because I've been there too (and probably still there considering how I live my life right now). But on the other hand, I realize that I'm all alone facing this problem. It's possible that one day I can't wake up from my sleep at all (remember Insidious? that's exactly how it works). I don't wish for it to happen, but there's a possibility. 

For fellow indigos out there who stumble upon this blog, would you please send me your protective energy for I am in need now... because I'm still not sure whether or not I can handle this in the future. I know I'm getting stronger, but apparently not strong enough yet to overcome this situation. May karma give you something good in return. In every good deed there will always be a wonderful gift. I wish you all the best in life. Namaste

LOVE SPRING

I believe most of us have been through what I called the 'loveless phase', in which one feels abandoned/forgotten, left behind. I meant to draw this wordless illustrations to celebrate the powerful energy of love. When we're in the lowest point of life, please remember that love is literally everywhere. We see it, we taste it with our tongue, we listen to its melodies, we feel it blowing our hair gently, shining through the trees or the surface of the sea. 

There are times where our heart lose its ability to feel that powerful vibration, indeed. But the heart is also a powerful tool, it can heal itself and as life goes on, it is able to feel and celebrate life again. 

<Namaste~>

BAYANGAN TAHUNAN

Kala itu rumah hanya dikenalnya sebagai bangunan kotak, saksi bisu
Kamar sebagai penyimpan lembaran rahasianya, tak lebih dari itu
Ingin ia mengubur halaman demi halaman, bersama dengan dirinya
Semua hanya ilusi, yang dapat dirasakan oleh kelima inderanya
Tetapi di balik semua itu, kosong.

Coba lihat dinding di sekitarnya
Aku menemukan serangkaian kata berbahasa aneh
Mungkin ia tidak ingin orang lain mengerti,
Atau ia tidak ingin dimengerti orang lain.

Dan di situ ia mengurungkan diri, merenung
Si gadis kini sudah tumbuh dewasa,
tapi bayangan itu menolak untuk tubuh besar bersamanya.
Seseorang, berikanlah ia sebatang lilin atau sebuah lentera!
Sebab tiap tahunnya, bayangan itu akan menyeruak dinding-dinding
Dan tiba pada pintu hati si gadis untuk mengiba,
meminta untuk diperhatikan kembali.

MUSIC SATURDAY - ALICE IN CHAINS

Hello and happy weekend, everybody! After a long week I decided to put aside all my assignments and just do whatever the hell I want. And since I'm getting into grunge and classic rock again, I scrolled over some youtube playlists, and stopped by at one of Alice in Chains' (AIC) old music video.

"You don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be."

Many might point out Nirvana when we're talking about grunge. I love both equally and I appreciate Pearl Jam and Soundgarden as well, but to me (the original, 90s version of) AIC is very emotional and deep. People said that their music is too gloomy, dark, and somber (so it's rather understandable that not everyone listens to AIC), but this is part of why I'm grateful for the existence of this band. 

Like I said before, when it comes to sadness, anger or fear, I'm not expressive and I tend to avoid heart-to-heart talk, but as a person I'm very empathetic. AIC's music allows my deeper emotions to come out of their shell. Whenever the depression lurks back, I play their songs as loud as possible. It helps really, to know that someone else out there understands what you've been through emotionally without having to speak a word. I can't describe how wonderful the lyrics and the tunes are. They don't cheer me up and they aren't meant to cheer anybody, but they help people realize that they have burdens, they have problems, and they are lonely, but that's okay, that's completely humane because everyone, no matter how okay they seem, is going through the same thing. RIP Layne Staley, and thank you so much for being such an inspiration. 

Below is a playlist of one of their hit albums, Jar of Flies (1994). The songs keep me sane and alive till today.  One of the fellow youtube commenter said that Jar of Flies is an amazing piece of art.

Couldn't agree more.