IDEALISM VS REALITY

Long ago, after showing my dad some of my drawings, he told me I'm capable of becoming an architect, so I grew up believing that someday I'll be an architect. But in later years, after going through some experiences, that dream seemed to change into some other things I thought I can to do for a living. An engineer, a doctor, and then... a scientist. I made my final choice by applying to a research-based university, hoping that I can be one of the best scientists and that I can change the faith of my country, I can make money for myself, marry my other half, raise and educate my future children so they grow up to make positive changes in their environment at least. And I can buy a nice home for my parents as a gift of gratitude, even though it's never enough to pay everything they've sacrificed for me. 

But lately I've been asking myself a question: Am I living my own dream or someone else's?

Clearly those are what almost everyone in this world wants. Get some education, make money to live a better life, live a long life, etc. And I was raised to believe that those things are the only key to true happiness. But I've never asked myself what happiness is. I define happiness by thinking about others, what would they get if I can make enough money to support them. Sure, I'll be proud of myself if I can afford a luxurious life for my loving parents and my future family. And to do so I need to have a promising job, and there are few choices of promising jobs, most of them might not be enjoyable for someone like me. After undergoing some courses, I feel like this isn't really my thing. I begin to lose my interest in quite everything. 

Call my crazy, but this is what I really want:

I want to roam freely in nature, where peace lies. To make artworks and write some poems and stories in a small wooden cabin on the mountain, surrounded by the forest, near a fresh lake. No dependency on phones or how much money I have left, there's just me and the sound of nature, and starry sky at night.

Being distracted by the dreams that most define, I begin to abandon my true talents and gifts. I lose my ability to communicate with the loving spirits, to astral travel, to express myself through arts both sketched and written. I begin to forget who I truly am. Sure, it's their dream, have it their way, but mine is different. 

But being in this kind of world, it's hard to live that kind of life, huh? I might not be able to survive, I'm a homeless person without a home and money, I'm not a part of the society without wearing the latest trends. Safety can only be provided by technology and modern lifestyle. 

I never really care how long or short my life would be, I don't fear death. I just want to live my life to the fullest. 

SABDA ALAM

Rupanya, alam sudah lama mendengar rinduku

Untuk mendengarkan sabdanya dan memeluk kata demi kata

Demi menghibur pedih yang menyeruak tiap ruang dalam jiwa;

Ruang hampa dingin tak bertuan.

Selama ini, angin berusaha membisikkan suatu pesan

Yang diterjemahkan oleh caya angkasa siang pun malam

Tapi aku ini terlalu bodoh, arogan

Hatiku terletak hanya pada materi dan akal pada hedonisme

Aku lupa bahwa selama ini, harta abadi yang dicari umat manusia

Tidak berwujud, tidak bernominal dan tidak dapat dihancurkan waktu

Gusti, ajari aku agar kiranya aku dapat

Menemukan aksara yang merambat begitu dalam

Ke jantung bumi juga kulit-kulitnya

Agar aku dapat mengecap buahnya yang termanis

Dan kekallah jiwaku dalam kedamaian, juga buaian kasihMu

SUATU HARI NANTI

Suatu hari nanti

Bila Tuhan menghembuskan nyawa

Kepada angan-angan kita

Bila Tuhan melukis di atas lembaran kisah

Sehingga andai tak perlu lagi
bersembunyi dalam bayang

Dan bila Tuhan melantunkan balada

Pada angin sepoi yang membumbung tinggi,

Membawa kata demi kata tak terucapkan 

yang ingin kuucapkan

Kelak nanti, bila Tuhan merestui

MY ENGLISH TEACHER

6 years ago, I was marked as a troublemaker and a rebel in school. I spent hours sketching on some blank papers, and for doing so my teachers felt like I wasn't paying attention to them. It was actually a form of silent protest from me because the way they educate us in there are boring and thus ineffective; lacking of creativity and a waste of time. Studying should be made fun, especially for elementary students.

But the situation was completely different when it comes with English class. You'd see smiles on everyone's face when class starts. There was no such thing as authority; my teacher never forced us to do anything and she gave us the freedom to be ourselves. You don't have to sit down all the time, you can simply walk around, lay down, have a snack, or even go to the corner and read a book from the shelf, if that's the most effective way for you to learn. She understands that each of us is different and unique, and none of us is dumb. We're all the same, but we have our own ways to learn comfortably. She was every student's mother in school. 

Aside from that, we were offered fun activity as often as possible, like English Bingo (using candies), cooking class (usually she'd invite her fun-loving Australian friend to teach us too), and a tour. Only in english class, we are allowed to be true kids. 

My teacher noticed what other teachers have been thinking about me, so she called me one day to do her a favor. She put a blank paper on her desk.

"Could you draw me something, please?" She asked. "Draw anything you like."

Of course I was happy and honored to do such favor! I drew the best drawing I could made that time and I added a bonus for her; a short story about an old and lonely grand piano in english. She became the happiest woman in school when I finished my artwork and typed my story.

"You are gifted," she said. "I'll show them how gifted you truly are!"

I was surprised. I didn't know that she wanted to show my work to other teachers who've been judging me.

And that's not it. On our english final exam tryouts to graduate elementary school, she came in to our class and comforted everyone. She carried my last tryout result (100 or A+) and said:

"I have faith in you. You are a brilliant girl and I know you can do it."

I am now a college student, and I haven't heard from her in years. But I will always honor her as a true teacher and I wish to meet her again one day so I can give her my other surprise; my success. 

SURGA DAN KEMATIAN (MENURUT SAYA DAN MEREKA)

Di sela-sela istirahat yang lumayan panjang, saya memutuskan untuk mampir ke ruangan seorang guru. Saat itu, siswa lain mencari Tuhan dengan cara mereka masing-masing; doa syafaat, shalat, bertapa. Saya pribadi yakin bahwa cara mereka adalah beberapa dari banyak jalan untuk bertemu Tuhan yang sama, dan saya punya cara sendiri; cara yang hanya bisa dimengerti oleh beberapa, termasuk guru saya.

Seakan sudah menyatu dengan raut wajahnya, beliau tersenyum begitu melihat kedatangan saya. Saya selalu disambut dengan pertanyaan yang terdengar sederhana, namun untuk menjawabnya butuh pemikiran yang dalam. Hari itu, pertanyaan beliau adalah: “surga itu seperti apa?”

Dengan mata yang terpejam, saya merasakan kehadiran gerbang emas paling besar yang pernah ada, yang membawa saya masuk ke kota terindah dengan segala ukiran emas, perak, dan batu permata berkilauan. Dedaunan hijau nan segar berjatuhan mengelus helaian rambut saya, beberapa hanyut dalam genangan danau yang disebut-sebut malaikat sebagai ‘cermin peri’ karena airnya yang begitu bening. Saya membayangkan surga sebagai kota peristirahatan yang tidak akan pernah bisa dilukiskan pelukis paling handal pun.

Beliau mengangguk seraya tertawa. “Yang saya bayangkan tidak seperti itu,” katanya, “tapi intinya sama.

“Keindahannya tidak bisa digambarkan dan dideskripsikan siapa pun, karena indah itu subjektif, tidak memiliki makna yang absolut. Yang kamu lihat adalah apa yang kamu ingin temukan kelak nanti di surga. Apa yang saya lihat adalah apa yang saya inginkan. Namun cara menemukannya sama saja bagi siapa pun tanpa terkecuali.”

Surga erat kaitannya dengan kematian, masa berakhirnya nafas mortal manusia di bumi. Oleh karena itu, saya balik bertanya: “kematian itu apa?”

Beliau menjawab dengan gayanya yang sederhana, “Antrian untuk mendapatkan kehidupan. Begitupun sebaliknya; hidup sendiri adalah antrian untuk memperoleh kematian.”

 Tanpa terasa, bel tanda masuk mengingatkan saya untuk segera bergegas ke kelas. Kami kembali ke tanggung jawab dan kewajiban kami masing-masing; saya sebagai siswi dan beliau sebagai guru. Layaknya orang lain, kami berbeda, namun kami juga mencari hal yang sama. Tujuan manusia untuk hidup, dan tujuan manusia untuk mati, pada hakikatnya sama, dan akan selalu demikian.

JOURNEY OF ZESTEV'S SPIRIT

Haven't astral project for long so I decided to do it again yesterday night. When my body relaxed and the night light in my room faded into complete darkness, I found my astral body standing on the beach and under the night sky, all alone. "No one, just you and the Universe," a voice of a lady said, as if she knew that I need guidance. "You may ask questions."

I told her that I'm tired of all the wars and greeds, and I wanted to live somewhere else but earth. 

I'm blessed with my safe and secure life, caring family and friends, and access to enough food, water and shelter, but I've been thinking about how unfair it is to see many people out there aren't as lucky. Many are surviving a war, poverty, and injustice. Everyone deserves to have what I have now. It's painful to learn about reality and I've been carrying these thoughts as my burden. You might don't understand what I'm talking about... but I'm simply tired of all these madness and angry that we just can't live together in peace without hatred, and share instead of creating laws and powers to make some people rich and others poor. 

An strange entity covered with light appeared right in front of me. I've never seen anything like her, but I can tell that she's full of kindness and empathy. 

"Among all the misery caused by greediness and misused powers, you are the hope of many. Without your participation, the suffering will continue."

But what can a nobody like me do? I'm nothing but a girl from a big country yet ironically forgotten by most, from a middle class and normal family, raised in normal society. 

"Everyone was nothing before they make a huge difference. You are more powerful than you ever realized.

Let your intuition guide you. You were given a sharp intuition for a reason."

FOLLOWING THE LIFE OF DAVID: HIS LOVE FOR SNOW WHITE

Everyone knows this classic Disney princess, and some know that she is the very first. When Snow White came to cinemas as the first ever full length color movie, David was, in fact, impressed and amused by every details of the animation since he himself wished to be a cartoonist or animator someday, tho that never happened sadly (but al least I still have his drawing skills). 

Snow White is David's first and last fictional crush. Illustrated books and vintage pictures might've inspired him in a way, but the beautiful animation and story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs inspired him in many ways. Without future technologies we have today, making full length color animation with realistic design of the protagonist must be very something to him. 

When I watched this movie some time ago, I couldn't help but feel this weird deja vu thing inside my head. Part of me tried to convince me that I've watched this long time ago. Not just years ago when I was still a young girl, but way before that. Thinking that it came out in the late 30s, I realized that David must've seen it himself. 

Despite the nightmares and bad memories from David when he was doing his job during the WW2, I'm grateful that he left me this memory. I'm also thankful for Disney. I don't know what David and I would do without him. :)